wendy house

 a very busy hotline,  very personal service, hot and personal

Jonny Cash sang personal jesus

Sheffield city centre on a cold, wet March evening hosted this advert, selling shorts.

Pressumably the advertisers believe there is something in this image that will make women want to buy their product. Something aspirational and attractive in this image?  The unusual placing of the arms, the lack voluptuousness?  The image firth made me want to cry with pain then scream with anger. I wonder why the advertisers didn’t try adding the humour with a topical retro 1970’s theme and spread her across the bonnet of a sports car implying if she purchased these shorts she could get fucked by men who can afford a good sports car.

Oftentimes it feels like the 21st century redefinition of feminism is an appropriation of examples of freedom of choice that in actuality maintain the role of women as slaves.

Would you stop by for a cup of tea with the person who’s Saturday shopping trip included

• cat food and litter
• a large axe
• soda crystals
• the axe is still quite large
• WD 40
• that axe has a handle for swinging
• long handled matches
• the axe has a blade protector
• lavendar shampoo
• the axe is in the corner of the front room, for the moment

The upcoming cartoon  ”Cheyenne Cinnamon and the Fantabulous Unicorn of Sugar Town Candy Fudge” is about “a Strawberry Shortcake pop princess that lives in a candy wonderland just outside of Detroit. She comes into Detroit and helps solve problems of racism and teen pregnancy with the power of love and teen pop songs“.  The lead cartoon character lip-synch’s to sing the pop songs because the actress is a country and western singing star,  not a pop singing star. 

What a fantastic cartoon idea.  I love it when the Americans self-parody like this.  They are self-parodying aren’t they?

Since the arrival of a woodburner in the wendy house, things have started to get

• high temperature,
• high tempo,
• hi disco. 

Disco inferno is the current tune of choice

The Trammps sang Disco Inferno

Terry: this chimney was added after the house was built

wendy: what makes you think that?

Terry: none of the chimney brickes are meshed with the outside walls

He then whacks another brick out of the bottom of the chimney and dust motes swirl through the sunshine.

The Wendy House was originally a coach house for one of the larger houses nearby.  The large house is now two large family homes and the wendy house sits behind them.  It always seemed a bit odd that a coach storage room would have a chimney.  The Coach house became a garage and the garage was converted into a home in the late 1960’s.  It’s likely that the chimney was added at this time.

Got WOOD!

Or rather, for £15, Thomas gathered 0.4 cubic metres of mixed wood types from Nettlebed Sawmill and shuttled them to the Wendy House woodshed. It was like stepping into the Waltons, the nearby saw operator smirked charmingly as I loaded Thomas…

Fabulously orange brick dust swirls around the wendy house and out the open windows and doors.

The builder wears a facemask as he powerhammers through the brickwork to widen the fireplace enough to to fit the woodburner.  He lends his oversized hammer to the gasman removing the supply to the fireplace.

Gasman “The conservatory wasn’t here when I last came round, how long have you been here?”

wendy “2 years”

Gasman “Did you buy the place from Claudia?”

wendy “Yes, she added the conservatory around 5 years ago”

It feels like all the service providers that come to my home have been here before and remember the previous owners.  Very homely local feel.  The gas man took a while to sit with me on the K2 snowboard garden bench, enjoy the spring sunshine in the garden, talk about what a lovely secret spot it is and how the kitchen skylight has transformed the kitchen.

I like that people like the wendy house, so far that seems to be everyone who visits. NICE!

cousin: are you planning to settle down, get married and have kids?

cousin: you all look the same. Except, well, perhaps, wendy.  Wendy was always the quiet one.
wendy: I’m not quiet now
cousin: I can see

I was wearing a pair of beautifully embroidered 2-tone cowboy boots, black leather jeans, and my favourite fluffball of an artificial skunk-skin jacket. I like to think of it as pret-a-road-kill.

Aunty (87yrs) shouts:  I wanted you to wear those lovely red leather trousers
wendy shouts back: Oh Aunty!  I wanted to wear my favurite red leather trousers too, but I thought they might be just a bit too loud for some of the youngsters here.

Every cake should tell a story

This cake tells of the busy 90 years of my uncle Albert (pronounced Awe-burr).  Busy ballroom dancing, cruising, fiddling on the computer and his favourite motorcycle. A great grandchild reads the pictures.  The cake is edged by the tools he used to build things and was delivered in a Mason’s hall. 

What does your cake say?

Home can be anywhere, anytime,
It can be in more than one place and time. 
Home is always there and never there. 
Unlike Rome my home doesnt need time to be built.
Like a shadow it follows me around.
Always welcoming, its presence waxes and wanes through my days.

Morcheeba sang rome wasn’t built in a day

Please turn on the taps with care as the pressure is quite high

high pressure:  lots of complicated concepts in this message. Do children have a concept of ‘water pressure’ do they know what ‘high’ and ‘low’ water pressure are?  By contrast a message like “Water comes out of the tap fast” is much more descriptive of the experience of turning the tap. 

with care:  what does it mean to turn on a tap with care?  should I use a cloth incase the handle falls off?  Do they mean that the tap is greased up and turns really fast?  Because I know what high water pressure can do from experience and from physics classes I know that the best strategy is to ‘turn the tap slowly’.  Maybe they mean that if you turn the tap on using normal torque the water will spray all over you and the bathroom floor.  What fun!

To prompt the desired user behaviour the sign could become

Please turn the tap on slowly

With the possible explanation of the consequence.  Though addition of this is an invitation to people who like splasshing, YAY, to turn the tap fast for fun. Hoorah!  Can you guess what I did?

to stop water from splashing outside the sink

As every modern person knows, a gimlet in your handbag is easily worth more than three pairs of tweazers in the back pocket. 

Never leave home without this little powerful, versataile essential

The UK’s National Bullying Helpline (Charity) cited number 10 Downing Street as being a place where the bullying of 4 staff members happened.  Who did it?  The main assumption appears to have been that the Prime Minister is a bully. 

The reaction of members of the labour party to the accusation of bullying at 10 downing street probably demonstrates something of British attitudes toward bullying.   I’m not impressed.  These are the responses I’ve heard so far.

• Not me.  Gordon Brown is my friend, he’s never bullied me.  The most common response from Labour party members.
• Not Witnessed.   I’ve never seen or even thought of Gordon bullying anyone.  For example, the BBC reports Alan Johnson as saying “ in 17 years he had “never” heard Mr Brown raise his voice”.  The Telegraph cites Ed Balls as saying “I’ve known Gordon Brown for 20 years and at no point has it ever occurred to me that Gordon Brown is or would ever be a bully”
• Honest behaviour.  I’d rather be lead by a real person who has weaknesses and shows them than by someone calmly insincere. For example, part of this argument is illustrated by the Telegraph citing Gordon’s wife Sarah as saying “‘What you see is what you get“  While this is not the dominant discourse it has been expressed by several individuals and news papers.
• Expected behaviour. Gordon’s got a tough job, tensions run high, he cares about what he does, people should expect that he’s going to loose his temper and shout sometimes.
• Desired behaviour. Bully’s have the qualities to be exceptional leaders you don’t want a wuss leading the country.  For example, the Telegraph cites Ed Balls as saying “constituent…   …would say he gets things done, he is tough, he is a leader, and that’s what we need.’“
• Desired behaviour. Supporters actually demonstrating that bullying behaviour is acceptable. For example, in the Telegraph:  ”I think this attack on him by this prat of a woman down in – where’s she from, Swindon? – I think that’s backfiring on her”

The BBC is one of the few sources that mentions Downing Street’s processes for dealing with bullying, calling it “rigorous” but providing no evidence of the process or rigor. 

I’ve set up an anti-bullying hotline for the fluffballs but they still persist, Sampo ambushes Matrix on her way to the food bowl and Matrix pushes Sampo out of all the best sleepy spots.  My rigorous processes have failed to ameliorate the problem.

I’m boring.

I know I’m boring.

I keep a note book and make a note every time someone tells me I’m boring.

Everyday people tell me I’m boring.

Without a job,  I dont have enough money to go anywhere or do anything.  All I can be is boring.  I’ve tried being interesting but it didnt work.  I tried wearing interesting clothes. People just laughed at me and threw tomatoes. I am boring, that is who I am.

My days are all the same.  I’ve lived here all my life. I dont have anything to talk about. 

Last Thursday morning someone painted the word boring on my garage door. They are right. What can I say?  I know I’m boring

Even the librarian told me I’m boring

happy frog: how are you feeling?

chess master: pretty stiff, actually

happy frog and wendy: [silence with growing smiles]

chess master: its not that I don’t find you two ladies attractive

happy frog and wendy: [laugh out loud}

chess master: it’s just that I’ve been playing badminton…

double-negatives can be hard to understand and fun to play with

During the recent snow, cars moved very, very slowly and often moved into unintended places with slow, steady momentum.

It’s difficult to forget the world while shivering. Its worth a try. Getting a good wood burning stove is also worth a try

snow patrol sang chasing cars

Before the Anti Social Behaviour Order (ASBO) their was nuisance. 

Along with murder, marriage and adultary (not necessarily in that order) people would commit nuisance.  They still do. 

.

Ordering food in a pub while sat on a stool at the bar, during the Wales-Scotland six nations match

wendy: can I have a burger?

publican: I’m not serving food

wendy: When I came in I asked,  And the man who gave me the menu said that you are serving food

publican: well those guys want to eat too so I suppose I could put the oven on

publican: is there just you?

wendy: I came in alone,  is that alright?

publican: where are you sitting?

wendy: here, is that alright?

I wasn’t made to feel welcome, until I left to a wave of hearty cheerios

drinker: how much is that?

publican: a nicker

drinker: how much is that?

publican: a nicker (giggles), a pound to you

The wendy house has spent 4 years together with wordpress. This is one of the longer technology-service relationships that I’ve participated in. 

Still feels good

Happy valentines day

Aquaintance: you are looking really lythe, you’ve lost a lot of weight* since I last saw you, what diet are you on?

Small Business Owner (SBO): the poverty diet

Aquaintance: [silence]

SBO: eating one meal every three days is a sure way to quickly get really lythe

A birdbath, not fit for purpose.  Purchased at Wyevale garden centres in November, showed cracks in December, fell apart in Januray, returned to Wyevale in February.

After patient waiting for, gently assertive haggling with, Wyevale staff.  They eventially raised their offer from nothing because I was returning it  ’outside the 28 day return period ‘ to a paltry refund of the current sale, half the original, price in vouchers.  I settled believing this pathetic show did less than Wyevale is required to do by law and very glad to get away from them.

Wyevale - not recommended for garden furniture.

In the foyer of Reading’s downtown homebase an Owl collects donations for a rescue and sanctuary.  Big, beautiful, fluffy owl with efficient looking talons.  The handler talks about giving young criminals lessons in how to look after owls.  How this skill and responsibility enables them to develop self esteem and respect for others

A gift of croci sent from a flower provider with a message indicating they are ‘commemorating’ my birthday.  It’s jolly nice recieving some flowers with a message of hope. Though at the risk of splitting gray hairs I’d rather celebrate, than commemorate, my birthdays passed

the sound of the subway phone

John Foxx sang underpass

Spoilt for choice in a local antiques shop

Picking a plain wrought iron poker for the to-be-installed over-hyphenated wood-burning stove

Breathing-in was required to walk between the goodies.  The tiny antiques shop brimmed with lovely practical gadgets. It was like walking through a museum store room. There were leather straps for sharpening razors, there were copper kettles and iron flat irons. I was lucky to get out of the shop having bought only a poker

My self-control can be utterly astounding

Paul from warm interiors popped round to look at the Wendy House’s wooden roof beams.  When the fireplace is opened-up to install the woodburning stove Paul will be making a fireplace opening lintel from oak to match the roof beams. The lintel will have bolts and hooks like the original (circa 1845) beams.  Excitement levels are on their way up in the Wendy House.

The urban dictionary attributes my singleness to my name:
1) Intellectually attractive woman.
2) Physically attractive woman.
3) Emotonally attractive woman.
4) Attractivve in all 3 major ways, yet not you are condemned to be ‘just friends’

Person A: Oh man, she’s perfect!
Person B: Oh yeah? So are you guys dating ow what?
Person A: Nah man, she’s a total Wendy….ya know?
Person B: suxx0rz 2 b u l4m3r!!!11

Would ‘Person A’ please un-anonymise themselves…