wendy house

When pronounced with my regional accent 7 sounds  like:

SE’vUUUUURRRRRRRn

The  River Severn  is Britains longest river and local to my formative youth.   It has the 2nd highest tidal rise and fall in the world and helps constrain splushy fraternization between the English and  Welsh.     The name Severn  is published all-over-the-house,   in folklore stories, on road signs,   businesses,   bridges  ”anna loik‘   (regional pronunciation).   The once local ‘Severn Trent’ water authority  was purchased by an US company during the Thatcherite sell-offs of British publicly owned resources.    It now  has research sites on the Columbia River in Tri-Cities, WA.

When pronounced with my regional accent Severn sounds like:

SE’vUUUUURRRRRRRn

This marvellous river is responsible for many numerical spelling errors that I loyally persist to this day.    

7 = Severn

On the positive side:

• None of my Cheques have bounced…       ….yet.      
• To help local USians understand me I can ‘awmows tawk praahpaaaah’        

Wendy Spelling-pronunciation-atrocity-perpetrator

While the big shiny black man (BSBM) scanned my tea and beers  from the fridge.   I slipped in a little yawn.

BSBM:   “why are you tired?”   <he flashed his abundant white  toothipegs at me><

Wendy: “I’m pathetic AND I stay up late,   you know,   ’til midnight”

BSBM: “You’re not pathetic,   <more reckless toothipeg flashing> you should give me a back-rub when I finnish here”   <Thank heavens for a normal man,   my singleness must be showing>

Wendy: “I’m way too tired to give you a back-rub,   I’m really THAT pathetic” <Wendy bounces out of the store>

Wendy showing-kick-arse-development-potential

Bluuuuuhhhh

I’ve failed to ‘claim’ this blog is my own on the fantasy blog-shares-trading site.   I have to put this html code on my ‘front page’ to verify ownership:

Just posting it in a blog-entry doesn’t work.   Blogshares give’s no clear ‘failure’   feedback,   you just wait, and wait, and wait…     then nothing happens so you go Bluuuuhhhhhhh.

I guess that means that I dont own this Blog.   Probably MSN Spaces own it.   I never read those long agreementy thingys they put in the way of using something.   That probably said MSN has censorship,   editorial and ownership rights.  

All good reasons for me to get off my un-kicked ‘ass’ and get MovableType set-up.   Oooo,   I can’t wait,   I love a geeky,   technical challenge… NOT!    

Wendy Procrastinating-MovableType-set-up

Evidently,   that’s what some boys kiss like.  

Wendy cautiously-vacuuming

• Digging-up Anglo-Saxon graves.   Getting hot and sweaty down in the dirt,   researching people’s lives through their deaths and artifacts.   Hey that skull was placed on the skeleton’s feet!   Evidently this was common pre-christian practice to stop the ‘dead’ from coming back to life and walking away.    Not sure if someone’s dead?   Then decapitate them.    That removes uncertainty!   I DID this date and  I’ve  been digging-up skinny old bodies ever since….
• High-diving.   oOOoOOoo! Wet,   adrenaline rush, challenge, skill and the obvious visual attractions.   There’s even time for Tea between dives.
• Small dinghy sailing (Lasers,  Hoby-cats  and the like).   I do luurrve wriggling into my wet-suit,   holding the jib in a force 3 or more and balancing the boat for speeeeeeeed with a guy who can skipper while wearing his wet-suit with aplomb.   Calm down.    More TEA!
• Hospital accident and emergency room.   Date demonstrated calm collectedness and caring  responsibility in a high-stress context.    Very appealing to a fall-over artist such as myself.   I’ll  be on-call for  Tea duties to help everyone stay calm.
• Setting-up Moveable-type blogging software on my home wireless network.   Oh,   I neeeeeeeeeed that…     …I lurrrve a man who gives me what I need….    
• Clairvoyant.    A novel way to work out whether we should have a second date.    Ask clairvoyant for a short and long term forcast.
• Roller-coaster rides.   B-b-B-b-B-b-Bouncing!   Need to keep the thermosflask of Tea lid tightly screwed to avoid it flying up your substantial nose.
• Gardening.   Hands and knees in the mud,   communing with nature.   Hmmmm… …natural appeal and a shower requirement…  
• Beer Festival: Close to this girl’s heart,   flavours,   people to meet and listen to, a relaxed atmosphere and a personal interest.
• Interactive Show:   I’m thinking of Theatro Zinzani.   Sensual,   engaging, an opportunity to dress-up and feel special, an opportunity to join in and much to talk about.
• Tom Waits concert.   Spluuuuuusssssshhhhh…  …OH OH!…   was that good for you?    It was AMAZING for me.   I feel all dizzy.   Careful, high-fall-over risk zone (Tea wont help here).

 

 

 

• BonfireNight.   5th November. Warm UK memories <Sigh>
• ThanksGiving Dinner.   All those fabulous family members and wierdy special guests of all ages, shapes,  and fortune.   Love the generosity and the group dynamics.  
• Wedding: think 4 weddings and a funeral,   these events are so special.    To be invited to share in someone’s special day is an exceptional wonderful gift.   Oh,   crumbs, I’m ‘gushing’.
• Kite flying over lake union  from Gasworks park…..

• Cycle-ride to a local brewery.    I like working-up a sweat  & downing a beer.   No need for Tea if the other brew’s on tap.
• Restaurant dinner.   Certainly reveals if the date is ‘conversationally challenged’.   US restaurants may present their Tea in a visually pleasing fashion but they haven’t mastered the necessary brewing skills.
• Mariners game.   I might get to see some passion along with the conversation.   No risk of spilling any  Tea from the thermosflask.  
• Meet the parents.   See what he might turn-out to be like in 20 years time…  …without asking the Clairvoyant.
• Day-trip  with fabulous views.   Pleasing the visual senses,   taking in nature.   In the Northwest this is an ‘easy’ option because there is just SO much.
• Shopping-by-proxy.   Where the date absolutely has a deadline on purchasing something (home, bed, wedding-outfit, pet, major household appliance  etc).   Date should beg,   and I mean BEG, me to come along and give my EXPERT opinion.   Date must be prepared to LISTEN and act on that  expert opinion.

• Coffee in Starbucks.   Extremely poor Tea options.
• Walk around a suburb.   For example, Greenlake park.   Careful,   I might get over-excited…   …Uh,   I don’t think so!
• Mountain hike.    Leave cellular-service range with a  potential wacko for company?????   Give me credit,   I’m not COMPLETELY bonkers.

Any good-bad date stories YOU (it’s not all about me) would like to anonymously share?  

W seeing-reasons-for-a-good-brew-up

they called  from a mobile phone and put me on speaker for a de-briefing on my recent hot date.

Wendy:   Have you read my blog?

Crazy Ladies: The internet connection in the cab isn’t so hot sweety…

Crazy Ladies:   …tell us what underwear you were wearing?

Wendy: <Wow, cut to the chase!    Uh,   first thing out of the drawer?    More specific answer provided is  ABSOLUTELY NOT PUBLISHABLE>

Crazy Ladies: were they matching?

Wendy: <after due consideration. UNPUBLISHABLE>

Crazy Ladies:   Did you snog him?

Wendy: <These gal’s KNOW how to ask all the RIGHT QUESTIONS!   To protect the innocent. Unpublishable>

Crazy Ladies: <Raucous laughter>

Hmmmm… ….If you’re really lucky I  might  unpublish  extras later.  

Gotta luuuurrrrrve these expert-mobile-phone-wielding  carazeeeee British ladies… …give me more  I want MORE!

W must-plan-underwear-choices

Books and t-shirt both received a thorough face-hugging sniff…  

W

Quick recap:

• trouble getting photographs through internet dating service censors.
• inbox explosion from unfiltered potential dates.
• post-hoc rationale for writing to potential hotties serially rather than consecutively.
• first phonecall from current hottie.
• Splushy e-mails.

MSN Spaces categories could have helped me here,   but they didn’t.

Was the first date a success?

• I wasn’t inolved in a major pile-up.   I took the bus to by-pass the challenge of driving Loo Sea (1995 Honda Civic).
• I got off at the wrong bus-stop.   Luckily, hotty has a mobile phone and  knows how to use it.
• Half way through the evening I felt deep empathy with Jackson Pollock canvases.
• hottie is confirmed as party animal.   I didn’t get home until 3am.   Though it’s difficult to tell the exact time because all the clocks in my home are being creative about what they publish and I was nearly asleep.
• I slipped on the side-walk.   Completion of this accidental fall-over maneuver avoided by hottie’s quick reactions.
• second date arranged for after I’ve cleaned my canvas.

W

You are lucky!   Here’s some more of my conversation with the codger:

Codger: They’ve got a lot of tea houses in Britain

Wendy: Oh <i didn’t know this,   probably because I’m already tanked-up on Tea before I hit the streets where-ever I am>

Codger: yeaarhh,   ‘Lyons’ .   It’s a big chain,   I went to London

Wendy: Oh <I thought Lyons made ice-cream,   must check it out online when I get home>

The Lyons history is fascinating….     …I suspect old codger went to London a long time ago, maybe during WW2.   I wish I’d asked when and why he went to London… …maybe he’ll be in the Diner on another weekend.  

What?  

I’m actually looking forward to talking to a republican-wrinkly who watches dodgy DVD’s in the dark?!!!    Do I need ‘help’ or WHAT!?
W learned-British-cultural-history-from-US-old-codger

3 hour conversation with codger in diner over brunch and newspapers. The conversation started like this:

Codger: I’ve just got me a DVD player

Wendy: do you have any DVD’s?

Codger: they gave me two when I bought it, I’m going to buy some more

Wendy: Any particualr DVD’s you thinking of buying?

Codger: I’m not going to say.

Wendy: <?>

Codger: My friends would think that I’m the type of guy who would buy DVD’s that you can’t watch until you’ve bolted all the doors and covered all the windows.

Wendy: <don’t ask, there are famlies sat nearby>

If you’re very lucky I will share the Codgers’ views on the NY Times, using credit, voting, politicians, gas prices, California, London, traveling, portable DVD accessories and, of course, the weather.

Wendy meets-native-USians-in-their-natural-habitat

Intoxicated purchasing skills have long been a British talent.

These skills are best observed after 3pm (Pub closing time) on Christmas Eve (last day shopping day before Christmas). I discovered this while working as an 20yr old shop assistant in a major city centre ladies fashion outlet, TopShop (1983). Working on Christmas eve paid 3x the standard hourly rate. Employees would rather have the day off to avoid the hassle and be with family (in the pub?). I didnt see it coming. My job description definitely hadn’t included handling drunken purchasers. Drunken male purchasers often want to be ‘handled’ by young female shop assistants and they normally shop in same-gender parties of 2 or more. This created a challenging business environment for a young gal. I learned how to:

• quickly identify which Brit. has a need to buy a gift for one of the gals in his life.
• prevent party members from falling over, puking on merchandise, or pulling-out anything other than a wallet from their trousers.
• herd the non-purchasing members of the party to a position where they will cause minimum disruption to other customers & parties.
• avoid getting groped or having to call for back-up.
• focus the intoxicated Brit. on making a purchase decision. Identify viable ‘gifts’ by asking targetted, ‘un-innuendo-able’* questions about the recipient of the gift.
• move the purchaser to the till (US = check-out) before he looses consciousness or pukes.

*This proved virtually impossible because the answers to necessary questions are a major source of hilarity to the intoxicated purchaser. For example, what ‘size’ does she normally wear? Has to be asked, prior to completing a satisfactory purchase. The intoxicated, debatably humorous, retorts to this question varied inexhaustibly with every question-phrasing variation I tried.

Intoxicated Brits know the shop assistants agenda and take pleasure in ‘teasing’. It becomes a very intricate game. For example,

• how to stay in the store without prompting the shop assistant to escalate for back-up, or
• How many levels of back-up can they produce before calling the police is even mentioned. Apparantly, with the exception of the police, each level of back-up heightens the entertainment value. Probably because it adds more female shop-workers to the mix.

The British have recently extended these shopping skills to the internet and cunningly taken advantage of the new physical context to ‘get their kit off’. Another popular British passtime, despite the unpredictable weather. I suspect internet purchasing is socially less satisfying than teasing shop assistants. These purchasers probably subscribe to other internet services to satisfy their social needs.

Combine internet purchasing with the disturbing trend of corporations cynically marketing alcohol to children and you’ve got drunk kids purchasing online. Add the potential for extended opening hours and handling drunken purchasers may become a part of the shop assistants job description…

W prefers-shopping-sober-by-proxy (its cheaper)

At approximately 2am  this morning I answered my ringing phone.    No-one there….     …at normal wake-up time I discovered a new text message on the phone.    

There’s no doubt that I am a somnambulistically talented gal.   I can make a cup of tea while asleep.   That talent proved particularly handy when living with nocturnal Brits.    

But there is a boundary to these extensive skills that includes

• reading.
• constructing coherent sentences.*
• typing T9  on a phone keypad.  
• Yo-yo-ing*

* if you  haven’t mastered it during wakefulness it’s a long-shot that you’ll show improvements when asleep.

W bemused-by-her-adorable-phone

Choices to avoid an accident:

1. Buy a hairdryer to ensure the car windows do not steam up ($30)
2. Fix the air conditioner in the car ($500)

Unfortunately, this morning, I couldn’t tell if it was ‘foggy’ or if my windows had just steamed-up unless I wiped my finger across the window. Foggy and steamy. Apparantly, when your hair feels dry from a $30 hair-dryer its just lying. Cheap solution didnt work. With the heating and fan on full Loo Sea (1995, Honda Civic) was still struggling to give me a clear view of the road.

Solution?

Shower before going to bed instead of first thing in the morning

If there are no more entries on this blog, you’ll be able to infer the result, otherwise I’ll let you know how this experiment in basic physics works out,

W wet-hair-disguised-as-dry-hair

G:   “Nice glasses Wendy,   are they new?”

W: “No,   they’re about 2 years old’

G: “Have, you had a haircut?   Somethings changed”

W: “No haricut,   but I did walk into a glass wall yesterday and whacked my nose,   so its a bit swollen”

G: <laughter> ‘Yeah,   that probably explains why my attention was drawn to your glasses’

No black eyes.   Swollen nose.. ..which is pretty big to start with.. ..that’s how come it hit the glass first…

W

by 6pm  I’d temporarily mislaid

• Car-park that I’d put the car in
• Laptop power cable

After finding my car and power cable,  while hurrying back to work,  I walked into  a ceiling-to-ground glass wall.   Messy.   I left a trial of nose-blood all the way to the rest-rooms.   Suspect I’ll have a couple of black eyes tomorrow.  

An excuse to wear my Oakley sunglasses to hide my black eyes and walk into even more glass walls,   doh!

Meanwhile,   I missed my reminder for my lawyers appointment.   Arriving 30 minutes late as a thunderstorm took out the power so we had to sign and witness documents  using a torch (US = flash-ligh).

For the person who found my blog using the search terms “tinkerbell nasty pictures“,   frankly,   that’s just way too naughty.

Imagine  a 700 point scale of ‘scattiness’ where

• 1 = memory  of a goldfish & the perceptual skills of a dead-ant.
• 700  = high resolution digital quality  reproduction &  Tele-kinetic focus.  

In summary,   this week is on schedule to achieve a rating under 100…..

I’m not depressed,   I’m British

W without-where-abouts

temporarily mislaid:

• car in car-park
• bearings when leaving car-park (drove South instead of North)
• 700 grams of ebullience

Recent college graduate:   “Wow,   you’ve done a lot“

Wendy: “I’m old“

Recent college graduate:   ”               ”

Wendy:   “What do you…   ” (guides the conversation to be about the recent graduate’s interests  after realising that her quick reply was possibly misread as  an ‘abrupt’ conversation ender)

W