:: The Wendy House ::

US commenter’s fictional statement on a football match: 

“previously an umotivated not pretty deadleg would streak into the box and step on an airborne bench, that’s a no-no, giving the opposition a P.K.  History is against the bench“ 

The below commentary on American Broadcasting Company (ABC, US) Portugal vs England World Cup match commentator’s comments will help you translate the above fictional sentence.

go airborne. Another new euphamism!  ‘we’ve seen a lot of players go airborne in these 21 minutes with some nasty landings’  go airborne = jump? 

streaking. “Here’s Rooney streaking up the right side”  In the context of soccer the word streaking is normally reserved for the nude people who dash across the pitch. 

playing benches. “The benches might come into play“  Can you picture it.  Benches playing football.  He must mean the players sat on the benches.  The substitutes.  Why not say substitutes?

not pretty. “English soccer is not pretty but its effective“  Bollocks.  Joe Cole’s footwork is as cute as a freshly baked cherry pie.  That’s so cute it’s pretty.  England’s playing may be sloppy at times, for international level play.  These commentators crossed my offense-line when they called the English team’s playing ‘not pretty’ = UGLY.  I suspect US sensitivities make it more polite to say ‘not pretty’ than ‘ugly’. 

Dead legs. “There are a lot of dead-legs in that box“  ‘The box’ refers to a marked area on the pitch immediately surrounding the goal.  The ‘penalty box’ is generally considered the space from where goals can most easily be scored.  A foul commited by the defending team in the box gives the attacking side a penalty kick,  hence the name penalty box.  The commentators used the verbal shorthand “P K” to refer to penalty kicks.  I thought ‘Dead leg’ was a euphamism for someone useless.  I like to believe the commentator was suggesting these people were tired rather than useless.

stepped. “Wayne Rooney just steps on him,  the referee did a good thing he saw the step then he took him off“  actually Wayne Rooney kicked him in the bollocks.  “when Rooney stepped on him that was a big no-no”.   These Amercan’s and their ‘polite’ euphamisms.  ‘Stepped‘  “big no-no“,  Hahaha.  

motivating. The commentators suggested that England’s (ugly?) performance was attributable to Sven Goran Eriksson and the coaches style. ”I think the coach didn’t motivate the players” They suggested neither had adequate motivational discourses with the team.  I’m assuming they mean US style ‘motivational’ perhaps they think that Sven’s not sufficiently ’super excited’.   

distraught. “Beckham is in tears on the sideline” Taken off in the 53rd minute due to injury.  I cried at that point.  People do cry at football matches.  Audience and players,  after misfortune and GOALS. I find it hard to think of the England team as lacking motivation when there are such clear physical displays of emotion and determination.   Sadness is quickly and effectively conveyed by subtle positioning of facial musccles.  Camera shots of England player’s faces after they lost the kick-off were strikingly different from earlier in the game.

UK based England fans.  ”79% of people in the UK watched England Ecuador match that’s amazing that’s the difference between English and American Football“  I like it when commentators throw in some statistics.  I wonder how they could possibly know that - how was the information gathered?   79% is especially impressive because the UK includes Scotland,  Wales and Northern Ireland.  The commentator didn’t mention this.  British people appear to support which ever regional team is left playing. Scotland, Wales and Ireland teams have already been knocked out of the 2006 World Cup.  An even higher proportion of English people outside of the UK probably watched the match.  All my English friends in the US did.  The dedication of the fan base is only ONE difference between American and English football.  Not THE difference.   

England fans in Germany. The commentators rarely commented on the fans in the ground.  Exceptions included comments at the end of extra time like “Nobody in the stadium has sat down for an hour“.  The English fan’s vocal and musical presence was a very strong part of the whole experience right from the beginning of the match.  The commentators often had to ’shout’ to be heard over the background noise of the England fans.   The fans sang

• “God save our gracious Queen….”  (Chorus of the British National Anthem)  
• Eng-GER-land Eng-GER-land…
• “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO“ 
• “O-lay, Olay-Olay-Olay”
• clapping (and horns) :    clap-clap     clap-clap-clap     clap-clap-clap-CLAP    CLAP-CLAP

After England lost the game the relative quiet was striking.  The Portugeuse winning cheers were quieter than the England supporters’ encouraging chanting.

history. “History is against England” the commentators’ discourse implies that because England has never won a penalty kick-off in the World cup they are hampered in some way.  Huh?  Whether someone-else did or didn’t score a goal in a different competition will impact whether this player does or doesn’t score a goal?  That’s just silly, silly silly.  Scoring is completely attributable to the ability of the players (shooter and goalie) at the time they take the shot. 

“previously an umotivated not pretty deadleg would streak into the box and step on an airborne bench, that’s a no-no, giving the opposition a P.K.  History is against the bench“ 

translates, in Wendy-English, to

“previously, tired players have raced into the penalty box and kicked jumping substitutes in the bollocks, that’s a foul, giving the opposition a penalty kick and prompting disapproving ‘booo’s from the fans. It could happen again.