my new passport arrived. Secure mail services let me use an old passport as proof of ID to sign for the new passport.
Wendy: OoooOOOoooo THANKYOU!
Secure Mail Service: that sounded like genuine excitement
Wendy: its a long story, OH, its a 10 year real-adult-responsible persons passport! (jumping up and down and slapping the passport againt my hand in a clapping-like manoeuvre)
I’m a real proper UK person now, who can come back to the UK if I leave, until I loose it again…
Sixty-forth in an in-sight-full series explaining the reasons behind my single-ness
Reason # 64: scary eyewear
Wearing Teflon Rohan trousers and a ski jacket with the hood up makes me look like I’m touting for business. While ambling home from work in the dark I notice that a car driving towards me slows up, passes, does a 3 point turn and starts to crawl the curb, matching my pace, next to me. I walk over, stoop to look into the car and give the obviously confused driver some advice. Upon seeing my scary eyewear he puts his foot on the accelerator.
Because the US readership of the Wendy House has dropped as dramatically as my UK readership has grown I will be heading back to the US if my passport situation obliges, on tour, in April, enjoying succulent hash browns and perky customer service. Hoorah!
The lady serving customers in the local cornershop invariably manages the whole purchasing experience with one hand while holding a conversation. She can operate the till, listen to customer requests, select cigarettes, take change, she can even give you a plastic bag to load your shopping into, with one hand and no fluster whatsoever.
Very impressive
US people visiting UK fast food outlets may discover deep-fried potato rock-cakes that are served-up under the name of hash-browns.
Initial repair and maintenance costs will be based on a full structural survey, local and environmental searches, drainage and sewerage reports and finally builders work estimates. Builder estimates will include:
- Replace Kitchen roof: new slate, new pitch, increased overhang.
- Damp-proof-course protection: add the standard building regulation gulley around the conservatory and front of the house, add vertical damp-proof course at the each of the 3 junctions where a garden wall meets the House walls, and internal injection damp-proofing the wall between the kitchen and the hall cupboard.
- Insulation improvements: Increase insulation quilt thickness to 250mm over horizontal ceilings & use high performance insulation slabs or the loft access hatch and over sloping ceilings.
- Replace missing slates on main roof.
- Install humidity sensitive extractor fans in kitchen and bathroom.
A new Wendy House on the horizon, with a new Kitchen roof, it’s all very exciting… …I’ll have a cup of tea while I re-read the survey bacause that’s my idea of fun….
currently catless
Using this fun NHS service I pinpointed a GP surgery within ambling distance of the big white house. It told me that the surgery was taking on new patients and performance metrics including patient-survey responses compared to national and regional averages. While being impressed I phoned the chosen surgery and the receptionist made an appointment for the registration process. Guess what I’ll need to bring to the appointment?
- Passport (luckily my drivers licence will do)
- Proof of address (bill with my name and address on it)
- Dr.’s card. ”The small card with a purple bit and your NHS number on it“
sixty-third in a sporadic Wednesday series of posts explaining my singleness.
Reason #63: subconscious stalking.
Geordie: are you stalking me?
Wendy: Probably, but not that I’m aware of…
I’ve been 2 months back in the UK, living, working, trying to buy a new Wendy House with a view to permanently drinking my tea and beer here. I wrote to the US immigration lawyers explaining this and requesting they stop my greencard application. Immigration services have decided to ignore my requests, instead, they have announced that I am a permanent resident.
The words bolt, stable door and horse all come to mind.
After bleeding the bedroom radiator the heating system lost pressure. The boiler safety system switched it, and all my hot water, off.
January. No Heating. No Hot Water.
In a moment of stinky-armpit panic I resorted to the boiler ‘user manual’ looking for ways to top up the heating system pressure by adding water from the mains. I know this because I’m a sharp cookie, or so I thought…
Which valve do I use? The red, yellow or one of the blue valves?
After an hour of reading puzzling diagrams and mystifying text I
- gave up
- washed in cold water
- called the plumber
- relayed my tale
Wendy: I’ve read the user manual, almost all of it.
Plumber: (raucous laughter) that’s no use! There are half a dozen copper pipes under the boiler, some thick, some thin, between two of the pipes is a silver pipe, turn the valve on this one to add water to the system, you’ll hear the water flowing. Watch the pressure dial until it reaches 1.5 then turn off the valve.
I pulled-away the wooden surround beneath the boiler and low and behold, a silver pipe with a valve. Fixed in less than a minute with no plumbers call-out charge and the added bonus of now knowing several of my land-lady’s, and neighbours’, wine-induced DIY emergency plumber call-out stories.
Apologies are used in a subtly different way here in the UK than in the NW US. This bus uses a lively exclamation mark. It feels more like a cheerful announcement than a humble seeking of forgiveness. I don’t recall the word sorry used in this cheerful way as frequently in the NW US as in the UK.
Reading has 15 conservation areas. The Borough council wants to maintain the character of the areas and uses more regulations governing upgrades and maintenance of a property than outside of a conservation area. I phoned the planning department to check whether they knew about the updates to the possible new Wendy House I’ve asked to buy.
Planner: whats your current address?
Wendy: the big white house
Planner: I know that! my best friend used to live there…
how cosey is that?
When I completed my credit card details on the form required to pay for my passport renewal I made an 8 look like a 9 so they had to send me a letter and delay processing. Oooops. Must relearn how to write, and put subject lines in emails, both these skills have been somewhat more lacking that the normal mere absence of spelling and grammar ability.
Some times… the TALLEST boy I know, your hugs promise to lift me heavenward.
Other times… the grumpiest old crow, my words secure cruel slashes from your sword.
Often times… the proficient fellow, our conversation easily ignored.
My Geordie friend called IPS a second time to make sure they were fully appraised of quite how insulting it was to be deemed inelligible to verify my passport photo because she had opted to stay at home to bring up her young children. She spoke to a different person who told her she is eligible to sign my passport photograph.
Do you think they’ll replace my passport?… …its been gone for 2 weeks…. …will they send me a 1 year scatty person passport or the full 10 year reliable-person version?
The DVLA returned my Birth certificate promptly, Hooray! In an envelope on its own. No letter. No note indicating whether my friend of 21yrs, the one who’s picture verification skills were not acceptable to the IPS, provided acceptable picture verification skills. What are the odds on this renewal progressing smoothly?
The solicitor who will be handling the purchase of the next Wendy House wrote to say that they will accept a Birth certificate instead of my passport given all the other (US) ID I’d provided. Hoorah! No sooner has my birth certificate been returned than it is off out of my hands again….
What will come back next?
A professional person that has known me for at least 2 years had to sign my passport photograph to verify it was a true likeness. A Geordie friend of 21yrs that I met at Loughborough University did the honours. She’s currently a full time mum. It didn’t occur to me, silly me, that full time mum’s don’t count as professionals worthy of verifying identity. Even if they have British passports, clean driving licences, no criminal records, like my friend. IPS rejected her. She’s mightily insulted, that’s insulted that takes about 90 mins to fully detail . I’ll have to track down a friend that’s currently employed, even retired professionals don’t count because obviously they get unreliable and dishonest once they retire….
Halifax House names survey 2003 doesn’t include The Wendy House.
Kent Junior School claim that the tradition of naming houses was introduced by Landed gentry and subsequently copied by peasants.
Here are the top 5 names for UK houses according to the Halifax in 2003:
1. The Cottage
2. Rose Cottage
3. The Bungalow
4. The Coach House
5. Orchard House
Basingstoke
BBQ activity or something way more sinister?
Overheard in the Hogshead:
Its housing for the morally deprived
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome young product-dispensing hairdresser:
Legend, even with Will Smith in it, it’s just another zombie film
Maidenhead
Town or symbolic body-part?
npower supply natural gas and electricity to the Wendy pent-house. Since 2nd December when I moved into the Wendy pent-house they have sent me 15 paper letters using creative variations on my name (Mr. House, Ms Hawse, Mrs Horse, Dr. House) and 2 different account numbers.
In loving response I have called them 3 times to confirm they have the right name, meter readings, address and to confirm that I will only be billed once. No wonder they have recently hiked their prices, it must cost a lot to send all the inaccurate letters and the support calls they produce.
Now they’ve hiked thier prices nationally by 17.2% this chilly January. Brrrr…..
When I find the next real Wendy House we may well be going with good old British Gas.
My out of date, useless, passport is on its way to be renewed in the UK with a covering letter and supporting documentation explaining the scatty circumstances that lead to the requirement that it be renewed in the US while I’m resident in the US and the exceptional travel circumstances that made this virtually impossible.
My ancient UK drivers licence was sent to be renewed to comply with legal requirements that it show your current address. I don’t have the new-fangled UK photo-driving licence. The DVLA didn’t renew it, rather they are holding it hostage until I’ve applied for a photo-licence. I needed proof of ID to apply for the photo-licence, original documents only. Luckily my birth certificate counts as proof of ID. Birth certificate, driving licence and passport all in the mail at the same time. Risky? Asking for trouble? I’m so reckless, living life on the edge.
To buy a new Wendy House I need a solicitor. During previous UK Wendy home purchases the solicitors were happy to get cash for their services. Now they need, yes, acceptable ID. All my acceptable ID is being renewed.
* please see entry on August 4th for more details.
In the heart of Reading is a shopping centre called the Oracle on the same site afore this was a workhouse of the same name:
In January 1626, the town corporation paid William Kendrick (John’s brother) the generous sum of £1,900 for his house and workshops on Minster Street, opposite St Mary’s church, and with handy access to the Holy brook and Mill stream. By 1628, the site had been redeveloped to provide a workhouse for poor clothiers. The impressive building (for which William Brockman, brickmaker of Tilehurst, supplied 200,000 bricks and 20,000 tiles) became known as “The Oracle” — the name possibly deriving from “orchal“, a violet dye obtained from lichen… …The Oracle became a troop garrison during the English Civil War, and then ‘an Habitation for an idle sort of Poor, who lived in it Rent free.’ The building was demolished in 1850 and the site redeveloped.”
Reading town celebrates it’s role as Royal Berkshire’s home county seat by making sure the seating role is represented in local street signs and business names. Hoorah for Berkshire’s unabashedness!
In English newspapers sport stories, results, are normally reported on the back pages of paper newspapers. When I graduated from a Leicestershire University (1992) an hounoury masters degree was awarded to Gary Lineker for being a Master of his sport and
“putting sport where it belongs, on the back pages”
In the early 90s footballing celebrities like Gazza were getting newspaper coverage on the front pages for behaviour that is surely not worthy of emulating.
Recently I had the pleasure of attending a fun Christmas, office, party held in Madame Tussauds waxworks where I met Gary again and he looks just the same…
John Lewis’s till operator (JLTO): that will be 33 pounds 75
I put out 2 twenty pound notes and 4 pound coins
JLYO: I’m sorry, did I say 44 pounds?
Wendy: No, you said 33.75. I’ve given you enough to round-up to give me change of a tenner and a few coins
JLYO: You’ve still given me one pound too much
He hands me a pound, pulls a fiver from the till and starts counting lots of chunky coins.
Wendy: Hang on. I want to minimize my small change and get a tenner. If I give you 44 quid you can give me a tenner and 25 pence change, right?
JLYO: oh yeah. Sorry, its really hectic today
I’m currently somewhere in Cambridgeshire dressed as a 1940’s French Cabaret artiste pretending to be at a dinner party in Casablanca while trying to work out which of the other guests, or me, murdered someone.
I’ll probably need some character witnesses so vouch for me, if you see me.
