wendy house

A sign at the check-out counter of a childrens toy department makes it clear that only adults can purchase imitation fire-arms.   At least children wont be able to get their hands on imitation firearms when they feel the need to use them for nefarious purposes…   …naughty children.    

I can also report that there was not a group of children outside the store asking people to purchase the imitation firearms on their behalf,   they must be using more cunning organised methods to acquire them.

The Reading Chronical reports that the astrology section could not be published due to unforseen circumstances.   The Reading chronical clearly has a very highly developed sense of humour,   excellent!

while waiting for a train

wendy: a medium sized mocha please

cashier: £2.45

Wendy Hands over the cash and waits

barista:   medium Latte

Wendy:   is that for me?   I ordered a mocha,   are you making a mocha next?

barista: I don’t have an order for a mocha

man in queue behind me:   actually, you ordered a Latte

Wendy:   checks receipt,   it clearly states Mocha £2.45, shows receipt to man in the queue behind me to verify that I remembered correctly, checks cost of Latte ( £2.35)

cashier:   she did order a mocha

train pulls into station

Wendy:   I’ll take the Latte, keep the tip  

The strangest things can happen to an unaccompanied girl,

of an evening,  

in Reading.

Marmite binge is just one hazard that effects even the most un-pregnant of people.

why I love England #6: It’s near Europe

Learning about diverse countries, climates, cars,  cities, cultures  by actually visiting them  is easy because they are close, part of the European community (EU) though  Britain has opted out of many of the unifying practices such as the Social Charter and the Euro currency.

These reasons for not catching the bus to work have been cropping-up rather more frequently than I anticipated before moving to Reading:

• The cat ate my homework.
• I can’t get my computer to work.
• Washing machine, drains, pipes, roof,  (replace with home-feature of choice) is broken and I have to wait for the repair-person.
• Aliens have surrounded cemetery junction.
• I’ve got a cold.

Approaching Peterborough train station.

A  small lady with fake-blond hair drawn tightly against her head by a short pontytail mutters ‘scum scum scum’ under her breath as she rises.   I can barely hear the chink of her three large, gold, hooped earings dancing together over the sound of flirting and empty high spirits from passengers further down the carriage.  ’We love Leeds’  

They all alight at Peterborough.

A sleeping passenger on the other side of the isle  wakes,   pukes half digested  pringles  on the seat next to him,   places a newspaper over the puke then goes back to sleep.   Another passenger pulls his scarf up over his nose and buries his head deeper in his book while hugging a guitar case.

The service,   food and experience as provided by the supper rooms was outstanding,   the customers sat near to me were not typical of the softly spoken guests at other nearby tables and I have to say they were perhaps a little below par for such a well tailored experience.

A selection of quotes from  the most verbose  fellow at the next table,   overheard inbetween the sombre aubergine ceiling,  loud floral-print wallpaper, dizzying geometric pink diamond-design carpet,   and flamboyant floral chandeliers  In Colleys supper rooms.  

the journey was crap… …Lynne can’t come because she  has a hangover…

Tottenham have a brilliant mid-fielder from Barcelona…

tuck your nape in…

we don’t know what they are  (to the waiter about the starter list)

You’ll be alright if you keep your mouth shut,   Lynne doesn’t think I’ll be able to keep my mouth shut…

I’d never go to Moscow again,   its crazy,   its not like Spain or Greece,   its crazy,   all the words are like squares the only things I understood was Macdonalds and even that was squares. (about a trip to watch a football match)

Someone with either mucho cheek,   or confused time-zone, wisely withheld their number as they tested the  theory of Wendy-sleep-talking.   They were disappointed.   Not even my Lucid dreaming skills could reach the phone lying on a table down the stairs of danger…

HIF: Did you enjoy your holiday in Italy?

Wendy:   yes

HIF: are you all fresco’d out?

Wendy:   yes

The Piccolomini library  in Siena was outstanding, fabulous books, floor tiles, wall frescos, ceiling frescos, quiet ambience, excellent lighting  and virtually no other visitors.

Kevin the Canadian wonder plumber stopped by.   Some people have implied that my unreserved praise of Kevin  may not be motivated by plumming necessities.    Heres a summary of our November rendezvous at The Wendy House:

1) 2 weeks ago to fix the hot water hose on my washing machine.

2) 1 week ago to fix the leaking bathroom sink plughole pipe.

3) this week to unblock the bathroom drain.

After unblocking the drain Kevin gave me, for free, his spare set of rods and tuition on how to unblock the drain myself.   Awesome,   with Kevins thoughtful tution I am gradually learning the basics of how to look after my home.   Kevins outstanding full service cost less than the basic call-out charge of any of the online drainage services.

says the Very Nice Lady (VNL) from the highways and drainage specialists  at Reading Borough Council freephone information.

VNL:   if I don’t have any joy I’ll get back to you in just one second

Wendy: thankyou

VNL: I didn’t have any joy

Wendy:Oh

Lunching with an hearing impaired friend (HIF) who uses spoken words rarely, with good effect:

[silence]

HIF: you are the only person I know who talks less than I do

Wendy: is that good?

HIF: yes (laughs)

Wendy: (laughs)

[silence]

Hittavainen, the Karelian god of hares has turned up in the Wendy House garden.

According to the BBC Hares crop up in Mythology all over the place and are associated with the Moon, the celestial skies and the Sun, with fertility, the dawn, cunning and bravery.

This one is associated with pebbles purloined from beaches all over the world.

The driver smokes a short filterless cigarette, awaits a passenger.  

Not any passenger.  

Not Flat Eric.      

A passenger from a windowless room.

We passby,   missing the passenger emerge, missing the small car leave.

On Friday in Joe Allen’s*     Exeter St. restaurant Mrs. Pouncer partook of some Chardonnay,   Scarlet Blue imbibed some Mules and I took a small Boddingtons or four.

I can unreservedly, with miss spellings and split infinitives, confirm that Mrs. Pouncer is in person everybit the stylish counsellor that her entertaining blog suggests.   During our brief encounter I discovered the true extent of my lack of knowledge of advance eyewear handling techniques.   Mrs. Pouncer arrived at Joe Allens equipped with both fabulous stories and the four sets of eyewear necessary to fulfill all advanced eyewear handling techniques.   Needless to say I learned a thing or three.  

I can also confirm that Ms Scarlet Blue’s hair was of a certain colour and that meeting her has brought new dimensions to my understanding of the word ‘cute’.

* no relation of Mrs. Pouncer’s acquaintance  Keith Allen,  father of Lily Allen.

Stylish wheels in Florence with low environmental impact enable the locals to surrepticiously pass by large and well protected

glass

window

panes

In a small Siena courtyard the walls mimic windows,

forgetting to mimic shutters or reflections.  

Silence and darkness within the windowless rooms.

Protecting the people within from too much colour,   too much light,   noises from neighbours and the street,   from the prying eyes of passersby.  

In the silent darkness occupants can float on siestas unseen, unknown.

Freedom to dream of the luxuries of everything  and nothing

dusty dry cold  rigid fox deftly holding a long-dead bird in yellowed teeth.

Rustic pane

I had the pleasure of paying BT to listen to the Indesit  messages below  for  a full 20 minutes before dropping the receiver with a thunk that ended the call.   A thunk not dissimilar to that made by my washing machine before  it too resorted to silence….

…We are encountering an unusually high level of calls to our company, but are working to connect you shortly…

…thankyou for calling,   you call has been placed on hold and you will be attended to as soon as an operator becomes free…

…your call is important to us and we are attempting to connect you to the person or department you require…

…thankyou for your patience, we will connect you shortly…

…Our operators are aware that you are holding and wiull connect you as soon as possible…

…we apologise for the delay…

An email to Indesit support describing my problem resulted in them giving me this link to a list of their error codes.   Hmmmm….

For the luxury of John Lewis’s service I’m tempted to buy a new machine…

Words of wisdom from a  personal grooming specialist,  

normally a hairdresser,  

mainly Alan the outrageously expensive  and  handsome, former professional-brick-layer, young product-dispensing hairdresser, and

occassionally Lucia the scissor happy hairdresser.    

This month Alan’s tip is bought to you courtesy of Lulu,  a downtown Reading manicurist:

treat yourself,   buy a TV for christmas

Loch Fyne is  a chain of fish restaurants  that has a premisis  in downtown Reading on the banks of the river Kennet.   Loch Fyne restaurants  serve only line-caught fish.  

Excellent.

chap:   I have to smoke in bed,   I wake up at 3am every morning regulalr as clockwork just to have a fag

wendy: oh  (signifying:   failure to segue effectively into another topic)

chap:   I  can’t give up,   I have a fowl temper if I do (his hand  is shaking as he scrunches his face while taking a long deep draw from his hand-rolled,  warped, filterless cigarette)

wendy: oh (recalls him  slamming  doors, stamping his feet and throwing things  all with  a fag  balanced in  his mouth)   I’ve locked myself out,   got to go and pick-up my spare key.

chap:   do you want a lift?

wendy: no, I’m alright (signifying: no way am I getting in a car with a chap demonstrating signs of emotional instability)

chap: where are you going?

wendy: not far, bye   (signifying: no way am I  letting this chap know  where I store my spare house key)

Wendy House service will be temporarily sub-sub-standard while flagrant‘ Happy Birthday to us’*   activities are conducted in Italy accompanied by  this years soundtrack courtesy of  Eyan  …

* us = people I know (Eyan, Jenn, Angela, Dr. Phil, Prof. Dave)  and pobably quite a few people that I don’t know…

things are hotting up in preparation for my 45th birthday celebrations,   hotting up with Milk, Lemsip,  Brandy and  Horlicks,  though not necessarily in that order…

As part of my birthday treat,   I purchased the 45th copy of AFH’s poetry book ‘Of birds and bees’.   The book is  beautifully illustrated by Jo Thomas.   The first line I read was Jo’s introduction to  the Bee  illustrations:

“In spring 2007 walking,  a bee fell, in front of me, on the pavement, dead. I picked it up and drew it. Since then I have continued to collect and draw found and gifted dead bees.”  

I’ve not yet seen a dead bee.   This summer some beautiful large fluffy bees tended the tea roses at the Wendy house.   This may become a treasure of the past as I learn to collect dead bees as memories.   At 1pm today the British Bee Keepers Association (BBKA) is coordinating a  demonstration In London,   Whitehall outside Westminster palace  and delivering a petition to Downing street (Prime Minister’s residence).    Guidance provided by the BBKA  to potential demonstrators includes:

You need to look your best as you may well be on TV! An umbrella probably makes sense too.

They are demonstrating to raise awareness of the impact of the the lack of government funding provided to avert an impending ecological disaster that has clear financial, agricultural implications.   According to the Guardian:

Beekeepers have warned that most of the country’s honey bees could be wiped out by disease in 10 years unless an urgent research programme is launched to find new treatments and drugs…    

 ….the Department for Farming, Environment and Rural Affairs revealed that bees contribute £165m a year to the economy through their pollination of fruit trees, field beans and other crops. In addition, the 5,000 tonnes of British honey sold in UK stores generates a further £12m

According to wikipedia providing legislation for  females  to have equivalent to male voting rights happened in

• 1920  in the USA,   males of colour were given the right to vote  50 years earlier  1870
• 1928  in the UK, males over the age of 21yrs,  irrespective of race of property  were enfranchised from 1919.  

Both countries legally enfranchise males  of different races before they enfranchised women.   What might that imply about beliefs of equality?

Few events can attract my attention as effectively as a TOOL SHOW.  And a  tool show  in a school playground to boot!.  

Did I walk past this tool show?   No.  I bounced right on in!

Looking for a suitable  large mechanical  warm  treat for my impending birthday.   To my joy,  I was able to handle more tools than you can shake a stick at.

According to Vanish   ‘the worst time to discover a stain is during the Ironing’      

The ironing?

hmmmmm….  …my cunning plan to avoid stains and purchasing products (an iron and stain-removing chemicals)  is to  avoid ironing anything!  

Hurrah for wrinkles!

After consulting with the experts (mum, friend, their books, the internet) I thought that the nobly, noble, small tree in my garden was a ‘Sambucus nigra’ more commonly known as an Elderberry and before that as aeld.  

Like many trees the Mythical history of the Elderberry  proposes, or describes its traditional uses.  The name may come from the Anglo-Saxon term ellaern or aeld which means “fire” or “to kindle a fire“.   It was associated with female-centric goddess systems then over time gradually perverted to represent ‘mischievious faeries’  by both the celts of  Ireland and England.   Traditionally the Elder is placed by the back door of a home, where mine grows, to keep evil spirits from influencing or entering the home and used to pin the thatch to a roof.   The runic association is with Feh,  the first rune, indicating where one sequence ends and another begins,   the cusp of transition,   renewal.

 British Christians gave the Elder a more sinister press,   claiming that Judas committed suicide by hanging himself from this tree.   He must have been short or the tree leaning over a decent drop.   Along with many other trees it is claimed Jesus was crucified on an cross made of Elder.

Then a garden specialist happened to wander by saying  that’s a Viburnum tinus…