wendy house

Thomas swirls along roads built to bounce him and give me lots of  steering opportunities, through violently yellow rapeseed fields, between hedges who’s vaulting arms meet above us. 

Thomas purrs and whirrs

Wendy curls and twirls

Years before I read Peter Pan when I was less than 4ft tall I had an imaginary friend.  Without wings, he could fly into my bedroom at night while my unsuspecting family carried-on their downstairs life-after-my-bedtime.  Unlike Peter pan, John wore ordinary clothes:  flared corduroy jeans, t-shirt, jumper and daps.  You could easily miss noticing John in a crowd of shorter children.  John had an ordinary quiet, thoughful, way about him.  His silences matched mine.  He was good company.

John could fly right through the force-field that protected me from the monsters beyond the wardrobe.  The force-field that looked like bedroom walls but was infact protection that moved with me as I travelled through planet Wendy.  John knew how to co-pilot the big red double-decker bus,  the bus that was cunningly disguised as my single bed.   Unlike my real friends John didn’t scream or throw the extra pillow at the slimey poison-tongued Lizards that chased the bus.  John could use his powers of flight to lift the bus out of the swamp.  John was magic,  he could corale the heard of wild unicorns into the wardrobe without saying a single word.   He was my secret, special friend. 

John stopped joining my evenings when, in my teens, evening adventures moved into the world beyond my parents home. I wonder if John’s still out there,  whether he grew up or maybe became someone real.

Sometimes I miss him 

Sometimes

Game-addict clinic opening in Amsterdam
Dueling piano bar opening in downtown Boise
Archived Items not opening in Microsoft Outlook 2003
croci opening in my garden

When considering a move to Reading,  consider that Reading is the sort of place that

• you are bound to meet up with someone that you might already know.
• a country boy can walk completely around it,  or hide in it. 
• you can find a favourite restaurant and order Polish dishes.
• you can be disturbed.

These properties of Reading are uncannily similar to those of Memphis Tenessee:

Listen (static picture) to The Colorblind James Experience Considering a move to Memphis

Thomones are like pheromones,  you can’t see, hear or smell them but they affect the behaviour of those around them.  In Thomas’s case he clearly affects the behaviour of Mini’s that come within car parking distance.  Either these Mini’s are stalking him or they find impact of his Thomones too much to resist.  Maybe the Mini’s natural habitattery is in a herd, or convoy,  maybe that’s why they were used for the Italian job.

Mini herding behaviour demonstrated:

In a highly controversial move Matrix’s photograph appears on a website of cats impersonating Hitler.   She’s not a cat you should risk appeasing,  I’ve tried and lost my favourite chair and the side of the bed nearest to the radiator.  She’s ruthless.

Delivering apologies is a local (English)  fine-art form.  The 90 second video above was  filmed exclusively by the Wendy House Audio-wideo Team (WHAT!)  before the arrival of Thomas (soppy SIGH).   It includes a First Great Western (FGW) Reading platform announcer delivering  ordinary apologies followed by the first of what turned out to be multiple extreme aoplogies.  Lisen for the stylish use of a contemporary xylophone solo ‘bing-bong-BING’ .  I had literally hours of fun that morning on Reading train station.

Well done FGW,  a fine example of extreme apologies.

On a sunny April weekend  post-youngster Brits launch into the highly risky business of sculpting their garden.  This weekend I fell victim to the under-publicised gardening health hazards.  Not a muscle problem from lifting, digging and carrying, or falling over a garden ornament,  but  a  little arm-blush reaction to a local ant. 

Ouch!

Kids,  beware the garden,  its a jungle out there

Emotional attatchments to animate, vibrating, warm, supportive, stylised objects.  It happens.  You may have noticed my recent focus on my new comrade, Thomas.  I’ll try to keep my enthusiasm away from the too-tedious-for-700-yawns range.  Try.

This week I’ve been humming an appropriate Queen song from their debut album A night at the Opera.

Queen sang I’m in love with my car

Microsoft Visual C + + Runtime Library (MVCRL) kindly burst this little message onto Neverland which left me

SCARED:  an  exclamation mark,  a red circle with white cross and  the word ‘error’.  This looks serious.  Something is broken.

CONFUSED: 

• application?  do I need to rub lanolin on my computer?
• runtime?  do I need to run somewhere and time it?  what does this mean?  Why am I being told it?
• Did it get stuck in the stack overflow?
• Why tell me?

INSTRUCTED:  to contact IE7 and, or, MVCRL support teams for more information looks like I should know more.

UNINFORMED: how do I contact them,  how do I find out how to contact them?

If the Microsoft IE7 team’s program (application?)  is going to make unusual requests to the Microsoft VCRL team’s program (application?) it should do it directly without hassling me to learn technical jargon and find out how to contact them then PAY for the pleasure of talking to them because they can’t be bothered to talk to each other before shipping software that produces errors and causes me emotional distress.

Pooooeeey

I was browsing along minding my own business, or rather minding the business of Schrockthehouse when suddenly,  without warning I was accosted by a stack overflow on line 1. 

What is a girl to do? 

I was totally unprepared for this outpouring of stack,  this flow from line 1.  Do I need help?   Do I need a new stack?  Do I need a stack-removal operation from a highly qualified expensive surgeon?  Should I phone a stack-support line?  I was confused and frightened. 

It’s alright because there was a button telling me it was OK. 

Phew.

Please indulge in a brief, chirpy, round of applause to welcome Thomas with the Diesel tank engine to the Wendy House team.  He growls in the morning but purrs after he’s had a little run.  Just like my first Diesel engine car. 

In his first few days Thomas has already become the star of the Wendy House travelling show:

Person in car park (PICP): Have you bought a car then?

Wendy:  Yes

PICP: It’s not the Mini?!  (raises pitch towards end of sentence)

Wendy:  It’s the mini

PICP: OH, such a lovely colour

In some circumstances computer systems can deliberately stop people from making ‘Errors’.  This is an example of a system preventing the people that use it from making ‘errors’ by trying to do rather useful things:  

Wendy:  can I move the car insurance start date back by one week?

Car Insurance Agent (CIA):  No

Wendy:  Oh (signifying complete suprise at this rude treatment of a potential non-customer)

CIA:  you will have to cancel the whole policy and then open a completely new one with a different start date

Wendy:  Computer system makes you do that?  It wont let you just change start dates?

CIA:  Yes

It took us 30 minutes to cancel,  then re-apply for the same car insurance with a different start date.  2 sets of documents are in the post.  

Wendy:  Are you from Hull?

CIA:  Leeds,  its quite near to Hull

Good weather in Leeds.

There are lots of active things  in the English countryside. 

This bank holiday weekend amongst the vivid west country green I found a ‘bathing beach’ beyond a ‘kissing gate’.

My new pruning shears may not be electrically powered tools but in my hot little holiday hands they can power through a Viburnum Tinus at dusk before the sun fully sets. 

Invite me to all your pruning parties…

clip clip clippy!

First love was a roller coaster. 

The highs involved lashings of peanut butter sandwiches, outlandish hairstyles and jewellery,  singing and dancing in the streets, railway stations, buses, bedrooms, and on beaches.   We could harmonise with each other and sing every track by EBTG.   

He had a penchant for spontaneous immitations of Jack Russel terriers.

My perfromance fruit was, and still is,  uniquely engaging (and available for appropriate inducements and parties).  

Love on a shoestring budget with a wealth of imagination was bright, distracting, and fulfilling if haunted by rumours, potential lies and deceipts. 

Everything But The Girl (EBTG) sang when alls well

When the grief burst in.  Always a suprise.  Always dramatic.  Tracey, alone with her guitar sang New Opened Eyes

Waiting for a local bus,  for local people, locally, my other brother skipped up to me with a big smile and HELLLOOOOOO Wendy HaHaHa.  I jumped up to hug him (he’s 6 ft 4).

skippy:  Here’s the bus,  three busses at once,  OooooOOOOoo HaHaha

I walked toward the first double decker

skippy:  WRONG!   we want the single decker, Hahahahaha

Wendy:  Oh (signifying disappointment at not getting the double decker)

Skippy is on the bus and has placed himself in the centre of the back row of 5 seats by the time I’ve joined the line and paid for a ticket.  I look down the bus too see him at the end of the isle,  he shows me all of his teeth and claps his hands,  then raises one hand and waves it at me, as if I might be leaving, while laughing.   I show him my recently cleaned teeth and run down the bus to take a seat next to him.  We chat loudly during the journey.  I laugh everytime Skippy talks because his enthusiasm and volume is brillliant.  He is clearly happy to be with his little sister and I with him.

Skippy is looking forward to the Easter special Dr. Who episode,  he tells me about it.  I posit that maybe this bus is a TARDIS and one of the passengers is a time lord disguised as a local,  the conversation deteriorates from here on. 

Hoorah!

Outstanding. Highly recommended.

My 4 day holiday weekend kick-started with a magical evening of slick, creative, quality performances in glowing cricketish whites over a glass of wine in the circle of the Oxford New Theatre.  

Choreography variously included synchronised office-chair twirling and dancers leap-frogging David while he played.  A packed audience of silver-haired and teenage people bounced in the good natured holdiay-ready atmosphere. 

David’s vocal control and pitch has matured beautifully adding more depth to classic tracks, those played included: Air, I Zimbra, Once in a lifetime, Take me to the river. 

David was his usual unassuming, audience focused, personable-self.  When he noticed venue staff asked audience members to sit-down he stopped the band mid song and gave people explicit permission to stand-up and dance, then picked-up the song again where they had left-off.   

A David-designed alien themed t-set was a featured part of the mechandising.

Words of wisdom from an almost stranger*.  In this case a Mini dealership sales person of a Canadian persuasion gave me this tip:

If you enjoy driving, and want a Diesel, I wouldn’t recommend the Mini One Diesel.  The Mini Cooper Diesel is much more fun, its in a completely different class.

I didn’t accept this tip on face value,  I test drove a Mini One Diesel.  Not fun.  I did enjoy driving the Mini Cooper Diesel,  though I found all the superflous fancy stuff, such as internal lighting schemes more embarressing than stylish. 

* past tips provided by Alan the hairdresser.  Lucia the hairdresser, an anonymous manicurist, a Jackson’s sales assistant, a bus stop philanthropist and Reading Police

This fully trained corporate server IT specialist spends her spare time decorating newdspaper pages purchased for the coffee room of a forward thinking,  diversity aware,  equal-opportunity-implementing corporate office. 

Well done that IT specialist for making your spare time work for you by selling views on your hardware that conforms to current male tastes in buffer stacks.  With your good IT job you can probably even afford to sculp your hardware to keep up with evolving fashions in male tastes.   How clever you are. 

I wish I knew how to manage the deployment and maintainance of multiple mail servers.

This pile of junk has wasted a lot of my time and money (user quote)

The Fab28 in not FAB (Wendy quote)

A recently published user review study gives preliminary indications that 1950’s style Smeg Fridge  (FAB28)* is aesthetically pleasing, expensive and functionally f******.  This Smeg fridge scored a severe health warning level of 26% on the Wendy International Standard for Experiences (WISE) because of its unreliable, expensive, breaking parts, poor support service and short life that left people fridgeless and with water damage to their homes.   The score scraped itw way up to the depths of 26% due to the branding, size and visual styling that influenced users’ original purchase decision.

Study summary:

An expert Wendy (me) collected and  reviewed reports from SMEG fridge owners then used the information to complete the WES ©™ questionnaire (below) by placing an X on the line in a position that best summarised the user experiences published on product review websites:

FAFFAUCEP score of 23/90 = 26%

Source product review websites:

• Individual reviews on unbeatable.co.uk suggest that the compressors break,  the seals don’t work,  the shelves smash, it turns itself on and off,  it leaks, replacement parts are outrageously expensive.
• Reviews at ‘the review centre’ are predominantly critical with a couple of pleased users.  The comments confirm expensive parts that are prone to breaking.  Buying a new door because the seals break, a frequently mentioned problem, costs more than replacing the fridge.
• Australian ‘product review’

Quotations:

• it is without doubt the worst purchase I have ever made
• I’ve had to replace the freezer door twice, and the plastic door compartments are also broken. Don’t buy it!
• Less than 3 years since I bought this Smeg Fab28 fridge, it is heading to the tip.
• thought it was cool (!) and looked nice but soon found out its a pile of crap that breaks regularly!
• The seals on the main fridge collapsed within 3 months
• I have to clean this fridge out more than we clean the car
• I have noise like small explosion coming from around the compressor area
• fridge has frozen up at the rear, and it then decided to defrost all over the kitchen floor!
• I have been plagued with problems such as the door seal going (you have to buy a whole new door at a cost of £300 plus labour to have this repaired!)
• This pile of junk has wasted a lot of my time and money
• One complete positive review

* this review only covers the Fab28,  it cannot be generalised to other Smeg models.

Outrageously expensive legal person wearing a suit with a tight, short, skirt and a long jacket with shoulder pads of the size normally worn American football players:

what a lovelly smell of flowers,  have you got some in your back-pack?

As a very professional person meets me in the security area of a flash building she leans forward and looks around me to the left,  then to the right,  then notices my little back-packand says:

it that all that you have?

I suspect that, if I wanted to impress the business world,  I should be using on of those big wheely-half-suitcase size bags to convey professional person with lots of big documents rather than a back pack that suggests I’ve just escaped from the garden centre….

In 1984 I fell in luuurrrrrrve,  surruptiticously,  with such stealth that I didn’t notice.  For the first six months  I couldn’t understand a word he said with his northern near-Geordie brogue.  The oscillations of his intonation, arms, facial expressions and dangly earings together told fascianting stories without the need for the precision, or ambiguity, of actual words.  We relied on songs and dancing to communicate. During our early courtship he would wrap-up his DJ shifts by playing this song for us

Lloyd Cole and the Commotions sang Perfect Skin

preliminary thoughts insincerity scrawled on a serviette

Sneak preview videow  (pixellated for privacy reasons by google earth*) that demonstrates weekend chit-cat about a recently observed pigeon at a House family household ….   …can you bear the excitement?

” photograph of Google earth camera in operation on Schrocktthehouse

You can take the Wendy out of Chipping Sodbury… 

…but…

When the roads are closed for the Sodbury Mop

I’ll be back

How long ago did I create my facebook profile picture album? 

I’m not abusing facebook, not at all, no, we’re actually very good friends 78.33335589% good friends.  Excel can confirm the decimal point and can even convert the Facebook fraction of a day into hours, minutes and seconds.  Excellent.  I’ll just be left with the problem of working out what to use this information for…

This is the first in a series, YAY  A SERIES!  of  Wednesday Wendy Experience Survey reports,  bringing you the scores on the doors on products and services that could affect your happiness and health.  

A recently published scientific study gives preliminary indications that Yorkie bars are a consumer health risk when they scored a shockingly low* 23% on the Wendy International Standard for Experiences (WISE).   People in possession or a Yorkie bar should return it to the point of sale and seek a refund with compensation for emotional distress.

Study summary:

An expert Wendy** was given a Yorkie bar then observed while she conducted an end-to-end*** experience assessment covering

• unwrapping
• chunk-breaking
• eating

The Wendy was observed completing the above actions than interviewed while completing the WES ©™ questionnaire (below) by placing an X on the line in a position that best described her experiences::

FAFFAUCEP score of 21/90 = 23%

Observations: 

• Unwrapping.  Successful.    Despite no instructions to talk out loud the Wendy talked out loud about the text on the wrapper.  Unwrapped in 7 seconds.  unwrapping involved no false-starts or error routes.
• chunk-breaking.  Failure.  After attempting to break a single chunk off the bar with two hands and failing the Wendy resorted to using the edge of the table to break the first chunk of chocolate from the bar.   Towards the end of the bar the Wendy used her teeth to bite-off single chunks,  this involved an average of 3-bites per chunk.
• Dunking.  The Wendy added an unaticipated use of the chocolate bar when she tried dunking the bar in her tea between bites. 
• Eating.  Poor.  we observed sucking (after dunking) and maximum range jaw-movements during chewing.

Quotations:

• I can think of better ways to exercise my jaw
• taste like fat with a hint of chocolate
• OUCH,  that hurt the roof of my mouth

* Any product producing a FAFFAUCEP scores below 30% is provisionall designated a health hazard by the Wendy International Standard for Experiences (WISE) .

** due to research funding constraints the data for this study was provided by one Wendy, we recommend that at least 5, ideally 10 Wendy’s are used to enhanve the reliability and validity of published results.  We are currently recruiting volunteer Wendy’s to participate in future studies.  You can volunteer by contacting the Wendy House either through a blog post comment or writing directly to Wendy at Whendeee[at]hotmail[dot]com

*** purchase and pooping  process were not included in this assessment and may impact the FAFFAUCEP score either up or down.