wendy house

No traffic jams for cyclists on Brighton train station.  Its systematic and cyclistically focussed,  its Queuing!  Hoorah,  I do love a good queue.  Unfortunately I’d come-over all pedestrian so wasn’t eligible for participation.  Pooeeeey

In 1991 I invested in driving lessons, passed my test, bought a Diesel Engine car, and regularly drove the A68  wishing the road, daylight and hope would last forever.

Tracey Chapman sings fast car

Not train line

BT phone line

The Wendy House was positively brrrrrrringing  with the noise when I cam home.  The cats were hiding in cupboards.  Poor tortured fluffballs.  Emotionally scared and scarred.

I lifted the reciever,  the noise continued in a muted form. 

 I tried to ring BT.  Hah!  Then used my mobile phone.  My mobile phone service plan (t-mobile) charges me for the free-phone number.   

Unlike trainline faults,  BT didn’t feel the need to apologise, and offered a reimbursement of less financial value than the cost of their line being faulty.  In the spirit of sharing feel free to experience a snippit of the BT pain by listening to this….

After a few minutes silence a new conversation starts

male: I’ve got a new horn

female: Oh?

male: Yes,  it’s no longer ‘MOOOOOOO’  now it’s ’MOOOOOOEEEEW

female: that’s nice

male: do you want to see my horn?

Wendy: Teeeeheeeehheeeeheeee he wants to show you his horn

Returning to the UK has reinforced my ability to regress the age of 12 without the aid of a parachute or hypnotist. 

How cheap is that?  Bargain basement cheap! 

why I love England #11:  birdsong

Sound engineers play birdsong on a dis-used radio channel.  The channel became very popular.  People were OUTRAGED when the birdsong channel was closed down.  I am SO lucky because I can just open a window or door and hear the little blighters bickering away.   Jolly good show

Please adjust your balance before commenting. 

Thank you.

Which of this weeks ‘errors’ do you think should win my error of the week award,  and why?

1. Transient notification of a ‘USB Device Not Recognised’?
2. Network Diagnoistics ‘Windows tried a repair but a problem still exists’?
3. Or the classic old favourite from IE8 ‘Internet Explorer has stopped working’?

Young Male Colleague (YMC):  morning luv

Wendy: morning luv (reflecting,  while trying not to choke or laugh at what feels like an innappropriately over-affectionate term to me, but might not be)

WMC: You’ve got bed hair

I move my hand to my hair to ruffle it some more, emphasize the effect.  Before my hand reaches my head:

YMC: No, don’t, it looks good

The UK chaps do like to use conversational styles (flirting?) that were not normally used,with me, in the NW US.  A lot of flirting,  its not ’serious’ though,  it appears to be dished out fairly evenly within a heterosexual framework.

subtitles are silent

Yazoo sang Nobody’s diary

Wendy email text: July 3rd, Niel Sedaka at the Colston Hall – can you come if I get tickets?

Mumxie email text:  Cannot come sailing on the Danube  Sorry

This is mumsie’s second email to me.  If I flatter myself,  as I am wont to do,  possibly her second email to anyone.  I can’t help but be impressed by both content and style. 

Naturally I followed this revelation with a phone-call to discover Bucharest, Saltzburg, Vienna and butler-service were involved (and a new kitchen but that’s another story),   thus clearly justifying turning down free Neil Sedaka tickets and an evening out with their adorale only daughter. 

Mum saw Niel Sedaka on his last UK tour. 

Darn, foiled again…

person 1: what’s your favourite road?

Wendy: A68

person 2: yeah,  that’s got some nice (demonstrates bends and hillocks with his hands while making excellent sound effects)

person 3: what about the road that goes down to Cornwall?

person 4: Yeah,  the A30

The conversation continues in this vien.  I feel that I’ve found home.  Next time I may mention buses,  what do you think?

This is a figment of your ripe imagination

A couple of friends are in the process of selling one and purchasing another gorgeous home in downtown Reading, near the Wendy House. 

There’s one slight hitch in the plan

In 1998 the local council placed an access restriction on the to-be-purchased property.  Pedestrians and vehicles cannot access the house from …   …the public highway.  There is no other obvious route to the house.  The current resident ignores this restriction.  How can my friends get from the roadway to the house without breaking the law?  Without:

• using a Vehicle:  A device or structure for transporting persons or things; a conveyance?
• being a Pedestrian: A person traveling on foot; a walker?
• accessing  the property from the  Road?

After the perpetually  irritating, poorly designed user interface,  web n walk software appeared to completely fail I removed it from Vista. 

The removal process involved webnwalk software telling me to reboot my computer.  As my computer re-started Vista Blue screened,  I scrambled for my camera but sadly missed the moment.  When Vista started it made sure that I knew about this unexpected shutdown.

In 1986 a friend was sectioned with psychizophrenia.  Before he was sectioned he talked of his fear and knowledge of the condition he suspected that he had.  He knew what was happening to him,  he knew something of what was to come,  he was profoundly scared.   Another friend talked her way through why she should take her own life.  I listened one night.  I listened another night.  I listened again. I listened into the early hours of the morning.  It was overwhelming,  I didn’t have the answers,  she did.  She killed herself.  I moved into the room she had lived and died in.  The rape stories, like a gushing tap that you can’t turn-off.  You have to listen.  The often all to vivid knowledge of how their pain has changed their world-view  for them, stays with you.  Always. 

Meanwhile I was trying to live in a crumbling contorted fantasy where girls had full human rights and fell in love once, forever.  By 1986 I was denying the dream was dead while engaged in a futile, depserate, effort to resuscitate it.  Everyday could be the day the dream came true…

 The The sang this is the day 

(warning: this video includes 1980’s hairstyles and a brass section)

I started smoking. The The sang slow train to dawn

get orf moi land, 

or in regionally more accurate terms  ‘OI!  git orrrf my lahnd with the optional extra ‘OAR isle shoooooot yew” is often creatively used by Bristolians to deal with all sorts of naughty intrusiveness. 

someone hogging the twiglets?   ‘OI! git orrrf my lahnd…’

Seattle symphony stealing your artwork? ‘OI git orrrf my lahnd OAR else….”

Seattle symphony orchestra is (allegedly) stamping on your emotions:  ‘OI git orrrf my lahnd OAR isle shoooooot yew“ 

A birdy around the Wendy House garden has a reasonable variation on this call,  here she goes,  sat in the neighbours Rowan tree: 

(18 seconds of chirpy  & wobbly camerawork warning)

On a sunny Saturday morning the front door is wide open, birdsong, breeze and buzzy-things float in and out. I hear footsteps on the gravel drive, the garden gate open and close then a cautious voice calls out:

knock knock

At the door a petite, dapper, elderly anglo-saxon lady and a tall stout lady of colour are soaking up the ambience of my garden. The elderly lady, Barbara, smiles and announces

I didn’t know this was here, its lovely, its a hidden garden

I smile and lean against the door frame, considering the ladies semi-formal dress and wondering who they are and why they are here

Barbara: don’t you find that people have very little faith these days?
Wendy: I have faith

Barbara reaches into her big, old-person’s handbag and pulls out a copy of Watchtower. Ah, Jehovah’s witnesses spreading the word and recruiting. The aptly named Gloria stands behind Barbara, her substantial, boxer-like, stature makes her visible both above and around Barbara. Barbara nervously explains how informative and useful the ‘Awake’ pamphlet, within watchtower, is. It has information about prescription drug addicition and about woolly mammoths. She flicks through the pamphet showing me the pictures while trying not to drop the pamphlet or her handbag. I smile.

Barbara: would you like one?
Wendy: I have faith, but if you want to give me one of those I will look at it

Barbara looks surprised, hands me the Watchtower, glances around my garden

Barbara: it’s very nice here
Wendy: yes, especially the nieghbours, the lady who lives in that house was born in it, when she got married her husband moved into the house with her and they both looked after her elderly parents. Isn’t that awesome?! I love it here.
Barbara: can we come back and call again?
Wendy: yeah, sure, have a nice day…

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A phrase uttered by a radio presenter to describe the new use of an ex magic shop, a place for  ‘Laptop Dancing’ . 

Do I hear you ask:

Is this a place where sequin and spandex covered laptop computers bounce around in close proximity with young upcoming professional people on underfloor-lit dancefloors to a funky disco beat?

Here’s a couple of young professionals practicing their laptop dancing :

One of their commenters sums up this new cultural phenomena rather well using new-english:

“wahey!!! this is gonna be huuuuge in the future!! Just get out ya fackin’ laptop beast out sum choonz, whack it on ya shoulder and jus fackin dance!!! awoooooooooogaaaaaa!!!!!!!”

Words of wisdom from an almost stranger*. in this case Windows Network Diagnostics:

When planning your party make sure you employ communicative DNS servers to hand-out the canopes and if your host is being a bit remote,  just ping him a bit and he’ll deliver cuddles all round.

* past tips provided by Alan the hairdresser.  Lucia the hairdresser, an anonymous manicurist, a Jackson’s sales assistant, a bus stop philanthropist, a mini salesman, a neighbour and Reading Police

Matrix is considering expanding her fundamental skill set into a profit making business by running stress reduction clinics for busy professionals. 

The main obstacle is that she’s way too busy (sleeping).

1984 involved discovering life outside of the southern 1968 Wimpy housing estate of my youth.  Catching National Express coaches to join demonstrations supporting the miners strike.  Being picked-up by the police on the main streets of Birmingham city centre under suspicion of being a prostitue*.   A friends suicide, numerous confidences of experiences of rapes.  According to the Birmingham rape crisis centre in 1984 an estimated 1 in 4 women were raped by the time they are 21 years.  There was a fabulous music scene in Birmingham and it attracted many upcoming artistes from around the cournty to the smaller venus.  The midlands had soul.  

In Birmingham Swansway played ‘Soul Train’**

(warning: this video includes Sax)

* girls not accompanied by a men walking outside after dark,  the only possible justification for this wreckless behaviour was prosititution

** the video ends before the eerie last notes of the song….  I bought their album ‘The Fugitive Kind’ which is exceptional way beyond its recognition.

At least I get diversity from my regular doses of reactionary software,  it’s like the early 1970’s all over again, retro-chic software on a 3 day week working to rule.  Your guess is as good as mine over what rule it will work to.

At least Windows is acting as an arbitrator, looking for a solution on my behalf,  this is on top of the 169 problems it recently investigated on my behalf.

Dad:  you can make elecronics stop working just by walking into a room
Wendy:  I thought I was being paranoid
Dad: No.  Not Paranoid. You have a talent for disrupting electronics
Wendy: thanks dad, its good to know I’m not paranoid
Neverland:.

 

Windows Vista provides problem reports and solutions. That  is helpful for people who want to try and fix something now, cheaply.  We don’t have to pay for a service specialist or spend hours fiddling in the depths of the control panel. This is quite nice of them.  Or is it? 

All Neverland’s 169 reported problems are atribbuted to Windows rather than other applications.  Should I be alarmed by Windows?  Or, iIs this because other programs don’t use the Windows problem reporting system or is it because Windows has an infinitely higher problem rate? 

On planet wendy there are no problem reportsbecause the program causing the problem would receive the report, fix it then make me a cup of tea and compliment me on my choice of frock.

friend: you’re wearing a skirt, I’ve not seen you in a skirt before

I pull open my cosey warm cardigan to reveal that the skirt goes all the way up to my armpits

Wendy: a dress

friend: Oh!

inadvertant administrative error

in MP Speak appears to mean

I can convince people it was an accident rather than deliberate fraud

Irrespective of whether they have demonstrated a practical understanding of the concept of ‘honorable’,  members of the cabinet should be addressed as ‘The Right Honourable Member of Parliament for….‘ 

Young Adult #1:  I have 3 friends that live together who don’t have a computer in their home, one is a librarian, one is a shoe-shop assistant and the other works for the council.   They don’t even have facebook accounts.

Young Adult #2 : No FACEBOOK?!

Young Adult #1: ’No computer’ is the new ‘no TV’

I used to think that Exodus was about char people until I met a Rastafari in Handsworth, Birmingham, and he explained how the local riots stemmed from a lack of understanding and tolerance for the role played by ganga in their religion.

in 1977 Bob Marley sang Exodus