Dec 02 2008

cold… …water

category: short stories
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The combination boiler rattles in the kitchen,  warming water and pumping it around the Wendy House 5 radiators. 

Outside,  water on the patio has already frozen.  Temperatures of minus 3 centigrade are predicted tonight.

Combination boiler
Inside, the radiator-free kitchen releases a trickle of water from beneath the kitchen units.  A leaking pipe?  A phone call to Kevin

I discover that the mobile phone service doesn’t work when my head and mobile phone are both in the cupboard under the chilly kitchen sink while I try to answer Kevin’s questions,  to determine how many millimetres thick are the pipes that lead to and from my suspiciously rusty stop-tap.  

Will the pipes survive the predicted below freezing temperatures of the night?  Stay tuned for the leaky-pipe fly-on-the-wall,  phone-under-the-sink, real life potential plumbing drama.


Dec 01 2008

banjo before bedtime

category: short stories
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I do love the sound of a banjo before bedtime.  This lullaby is the first song that I remember singing.  During those good old days, sing-along-a-mumzie was a regular and highly valued feature of my daily life (1966).  The lullaby musical genre appears slightly under-exploited by current popsters.

The Seekers sang Morningtown ride

Thanks to Scarlet for introducing ‘jukebox monday’ on her blog, an idea I am shamelessly apeing here in The Wendy House.


Nov 25 2008

bog standard excuses

category: short stories
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These reasons for not catching the bus to work have been cropping-up rather more frequently than I anticipated before moving to Reading:

  • The cat ate my homework.
  • I can’t get my computer to work.
  • Washing machine, drains, pipes, roof, (replace with home-feature of choice) is broken and I have to wait for the repair-person.
  • Aliens have surrounded cemetery junction.
  • I’ve got a cold.

Aug 16 2008

the washing machine

category: short stories
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gently rocking to produce a wet deckWe motored North towards the party Island of Ios, into the meltemi, into the wind, sails tightly packed-away, avoiding the katabatics.  Wind speeds were between 40 and 50 knotsgale force 10, with what the skipper described as flying water from the tops of the whitecaps.  Red, Poodle and Spanial donned anti-seasickness wristbands.

Labrador in full sensible waterproofs stayed dry on deck to the left of the skipper.  To the left of Labrador Red lay back-to-the-bench shivering in full sun and swimwear.  Red was unable to sit-up lest the action give momentum to Red’s stomach contents.  I dragged myself along the boat, down the almost-as-dangerous-as-the-wendy-house-stairs and went below to bring-up Red’s fleece.  It was like navigating a fairground ride without a laughing audience.  

Poodle was buried beneath towels lying on the bench next to me, groaning.   All the colour had drained from Spaniel’s lips laying back to the bench opposite facing the sky.   Retriever was head over the side wretching while Spanial and I held a leg each lest the jerking of the boat lever Retriever ir-retriever-bly overboard. 

Skipper would smoke a cigarette every now and then… 

Lighting a cigarette is a tricky manouvre while helming a boat in a gale,  one has to admire the skippers dexterity and skill.  With each puff on the cigarette the pack pulled either hands, towels or jacket collars over their nose and mouth to filter any trajectile-style impact of the smoke on thier bouncing stomachs.

Skipper put the boat on auto-pilot and went below to brew a coffee.  As soon as he’d left the deck labrador elegently turned,  ejaculated a globule of stomach contents in one smooth action off the stern, then returned to face the wind looking like a true stalwart.  Good timing and action,  10 for technique I’d say.

I sat in my sea-spray-soaked, warm, neoprene jacket in the blazing sunshine with regular sea-showers.  Each sea-shower produced a seemingly choreographed choral groan from the lying-on-thier-back pack.   I waited unimpatiently for

real sailing experience #2: feeling sick

I never did get real sailing experience #2. 

The shere volume of flying water made reading my novel impossible,  the powerful swinging motion made  writing in my journal or sketching impossible,  the pack were clearly not in the mood for good conversation,  the views were rather predicatbly sea and sky, which can induce visual boredum.  Instead of developing seasickness I worked on fending off the boredum by considering the contents of this post and singing to myself… ‘What shall we do with the drunken sailor?…


Jul 07 2008

Popular conversational topics #3: kitty settling

category: short stories
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“how are the cats settling in?”

Thankyou to everyone who inquired after the wellbeing of my darling fluffballs.  I am happy to confirm that they have quickly adapted to this Wendy House and are exhibiting a full range of healthy fluff-ball-ee activities,  most notable of which is the Monaco-ish,  formula-1-ish speed and agility,  dangerous-staircase dash.

Dangerous-staircase dash

Starts in the garden where Sampo cues-up Matrix by strutting backward and forward in front of her just out of paws reach.  Next, Sampo runs for the front-door gathering sufficient speed to arrive before Matrix,  maintaining sufficient control to take the entrance-hall-front-room 90 degrees doorway-bend.  Occassionally Sampo misses the bend and ends up in the bathroom where she is cornered by Matrix and has clearly lost the chase.  After several months of practice she has the hall-front-room doorway-bend almost fully mastered. 

The subtle curve on the approach to the foot of the stairs occassionally causes loss of footing on the bare floorboards and is invariably accompanied by liberal doses of meowing from both teams.  The main course-obstacle is the dangerous-staircase u-turn.  The dangerous-staircase u-turn either involves a headlong crash into the front-room wall for those missjudging their momentum,  or falling down the first couple of steps for those misjudging their paw-friction.  Sampo tends to crash into the wall due to belly-induced-momentum,  Matrix tends to slip on the steps.  Once past the first few steps,  if Sampo is still ahead of Matirx she’s pounces safely to the finish line on the first-floor landing and is ready to start the next round.   Fresh water,  views of local trees and birds are provided on the landing at the end of the course for the competing kitties.  

The cats are regularly able and willing to practice this tricky F1 course on a daily basis often changing chaser-chasee roles and investigating route variations including the dinning room table top,  sofa-bends and comfy chair corner.  

Ringside tickets are available. 

Corporate bookings and sponsorship considered.


Jun 22 2008

Reading’s underground

category: short stories
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Despite my deep affection for the Berkshire county town of Reading, formerly known for its ‘Beer, Biscuits and Bulbs’,  living in Reading does come with some inherent risks under the guise of a 4th ‘B’ 

Bricks   

The production of high quality bricks involves mining for materials,  including chalk which produces a yellow coloured brick.  The chalk mines of Reading are not all well documented.  People who built homes in Reading didnt know and didn’t ask the wise elderly locals for the location of the mines.  Homes were built above the mines.  Tourist and residents alike should take extra care lest they fall into an undocumented mine when exploring the extremely interesting streets of Reading.

Unfortunately, the normally plucky Reading Borough Council has not-yet maximised on the tourist potential of this interesting and valuable historical feature of the town.  There are no guided tours of the mines,  you cannot visit the Reading underground shop because it doesn’t exist.  In not-existing the Reading underground shop never fails to sell kitsch miniature bricks in red, yellow, and grey as paperwieghts.  The not-existing visitor centre doesn’t provide hands-on experiences for school children to make their own bricks during educational tours. The not-existing shop goes on to fail to provide an unwritten Two Rivers press book covering the history of brick making in the Thames Valley featuring Reading and Tilehurst.  The not-exisitng visitor centre tourguide doesn’t point out that the town Aldbrickham (Old brick town)  in Thomas Hardy’s  ‘Jude the obscure’ was inspired by Reading.  Without the visitor centre tour guide to tell them,  even former brickies no longer know that yellow bricks are produced by using chalk in the clay.  There are no ladders to climb down,  no safety helmets to wear,  and no dank holes to crawl through during the not-existant live and dangerous underground tour.

As you can imagine I was really rather upset at not being able to wander through the caverns of undeground Reading accompanied by an informative and enthusiastic pot-holing-expert,  probably from South Africa,  tour guide.  

Hankys were poised.

There are times when Reading quite simply isn’t up to par.


Mar 23 2008

Easter cats

category: short stories
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On the 1hr drive to Reading from the Gatwick Animal Reception Centre Matrix rode gunshot purring, chatting and rubbing the journey away. Sampo silently hid under her food dish. Within an hour of being given free reign of the Wendy House Matrix had eaten, drunk, pooped, then snooped into every cat-sized orifice she could find. Meanwhile Sampo slurped a sack of water then watched the goings-on from the safety of under the dining room table before a tip-toe exploration.

Then. They both got on with the serious matter of snore-laden snoozing in front of the fake-real fire.

Pleasing the kitties was a primary influencer when selecting a new-old Wendy house. The main bedroom, conservatory and fake-real fire are already big-hits. Phew.

Tricky-test passed.

Now champagne and kebabs… Hoorah!


Mar 08 2008

living in a stable

category: short stories
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This weekend I’m moving into the new Wendy House.  A stable.  This may lead to blogging service interruption as it takes a while to get the Wendyhome up and running with unpacked furniture, services connected and hay out of the corners etc 

Hopefully my passport will not get mislaid in the move,  there will be no explosions,  falls, and the neighbours will not die suddenly and suspiciously.  It’s happened before…


Mar 02 2008

Personal service

category: short stories
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I dropped by the Reading branch of my bank and

  •  banked a final goodbye from Uncle Vaughn
  •  arranged to wire the deposit for the new Wendy House to my solicitor
  • learned more about my friendly local bank clerk, the clerk with the neighbour-from-hell

She noticed when I got to the front of the line and came over:

I know this customer, I can deal with this

Ushering me to a private side room, she dealt with all my banking needs efficiently then relaxed as she continued with her life story.  Now I know the make and model of her car, its recent maintenance history, how much it cost, how old she’ll be when she pays off the car loan, why the gear stick is special…. and more….

I really like the personal service at my Reading bank branch


Mar 01 2008

signature witness

category: short stories
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Wendy: could you withness my signing this Mortgage information document?

Witness:  Yes,  “The Wendy House’,  where is it?

Wendy:  down by the [local landmark]

Witness:  I used to live in ‘The Wendy house’ [Describes its layout and location in a recognisable way]

Wendy:  What was living there like?

Witness:  Well,  the boiler broke so I have lots of memories of a cold dark unpleasant time,  I’m sure its not like that now.  My partner kept getting confused about the orientation of the house and would walk into the wardrobe when he meant to leave the room to go downstairs.  [mentions some house characteristics that aren't like the Wendy House]

Wendy:  [highlights this difference and mentions the street name]

Witness: The Wendy House we lived in was on [name] street

More than one Wendy House in the district how cosey is that!


Feb 26 2008

duller than dust or tinned baby-food

category: short stories
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Trying to make my Wendy House buying story interesting is impossible. Like making a conversation about some-one-elses infants’ tastes in tinned baby food interesting is impossible. Or is it?


Feb 11 2008

piping hot

category: short stories
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Henry (Father) Willis and Sons’ firm of pipe organ builders have thier own Wikipedia entry that features a photograph of the Reading town hall, Concert hall, organ. It also lists many notable Cathedral’s that feature Willis organs (e.g. Canterbury).

I’ve heard all of 2…. …..3, …no 4 unexpected Readibus proudly display their knowledge of the town’s possession of a father Willis organ.

Now I’d like to see, hear, this celebrity vibrating the concert hall with beautiful music…


Jan 05 2008

Oracle originally a clothier workhouse

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In the heart of Reading is a shopping centre called the Oracle on the same site afore this was a workhouse of the same name:

In January 1626, the town corporation paid William Kendrick (John’s brother) the generous sum of £1,900 for his house and workshops on Minster Street, opposite St Mary’s church, and with handy access to the Holy brook and Mill stream. By 1628, the site had been redeveloped to provide a workhouse for poor clothiers. The impressive building (for which William Brockman, brickmaker of Tilehurst, supplied 200,000 bricks and 20,000 tiles) became known as “The Oracle” — the name possibly deriving from “orchal“, a violet dye obtained from lichen…   …The Oracle became a troop garrison during the English Civil War, and then ‘an Habitation for an idle sort of Poor, who lived in it Rent free.’ The building was demolished in 1850 and the site redeveloped.” 


Jan 04 2008

home county seat

category: short stories
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Reading town celebrates it’s role as Royal Berkshire’s  home county seat by making sure the seating role is represented in local street signs and business names.  Hoorah for Berkshire’s unabashedness!

  


Dec 24 2007

codswallop

category: short stories
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this post is not worth reading because its a lot of twaddle and the like.


Nov 20 2007

Mine’s a pint of Bass

category: short stories
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My Seattle leaving do was full of a hand-picked set of local characters that I’ve met through blogging, tea parties, being a Lecturer in a past life, and being taken to bizarre mountain getways surrounded by gnomes and melon-eating hyennas (you had to be there).  LaCroix and I were able to indulge our predelictions for Bass ale,  while others drank iced tea,  all around it was a stonker!  One of the girls that arranged this party had also attended my ‘leaving the UK’ party in April 2000! 

By the end of the excellent evening everything was slightly fuzzy.  I had to hold onto the patriotic balloons in order to maintain a standard upright position.  The infamous grin was on full display all evening. 


Nov 07 2007

Happy number: 44

category: short stories
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Its my birthday.

It’s Eyan & Phil’s birthday.

It’s international Jennifer day

I’m 44 (and British)

The wikipedia entry for 44 points out that despite not being a prime number it is one of an elite 12% of numbers that can be described as a ‘Happy Number’.

44 trivia:

  • Its the international dialing number for the UK and that’s where I am today,  in Reading, in the UK, and that’s where I come from and I’m a citizen not an alien.   
  • A bus, big caravan, production company in Germany.  I like buses.
  • 44 was a leap year starting on Wednesday.  During this year Emporer Claudius returned from a campaign in,  yes you’ve guessed it, Britain!
  • Psalm 44 is powerfully emotive,  excerts of the language within the psalm:  ‘crushing people’‘trampling our foes’, ’scorn and derision’, ‘reproach and revile me’, ‘crushed us and made us a haunt for jackals’.  It is a bid to the christian God for support in torrid times.  Probably a bit more torrid than my current repatriation expereince* but in that sort of direction on the scale that ranges from comatosed to extreme torridity.

* I did phone someone up yesterday to tell them I was frustrated,  so that is pretty torrid on the Wendy torridity scales.  I used the word frustrated 4 times,  then had a cup of tea to calm down.  I feel a bit bad now about that impulsive outburst of saying I’m frustrated.  


Oct 30 2007

pumpkins are coming. take evasive action

category: short stories
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NOW!

The pumkins have been gathering in and around large stores.  They are luring unsuspecting families to pumpkin patches.  Be careful,  they are everywhere in the US,  they are sneaky,  they disguise themselves as lamps and pies.  They can make a very squidgy mess of seeds and gooey stuff.  They haven’t yet taken a strong hold in England,  where parsnips are more prolific but it could happen.  Be careful.


Oct 07 2007

1975 appraisal still applies

category: short stories
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At 11yrs old my school teacher wrote in my annual report that I:

  • need to work on my spelling. 
  • work hard without any pressure. 
  • create interesting items.
  • have an above average grasp of maths.
  • work well on my own or as leader of a group.

  It’s darn right spooky how little I’ve changed.  Luckily we have spell-checkers now (though not in Wordpress),  my job requires maths skills and creating ’interesting items’.  Um… and I still let team members and leaders know when I don’t understand their contributions…. 


Oct 05 2007

sofa escape

category: short stories
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1994-2007

This sofa with design and print chosen by a person I lived with in  1994. 

He wouldn’t take it when he left.  He dumped me with the sofa-print from hell.  It’s fabulously comfortable and works perfectly well as a Sofa if you shield your eyes or use a throw.  Hence the sofa and I spending 13 years together despite the ‘looks’ issue.  But. 

Enough is enough

Craigslist put an end to the relationship.  Hoorah.  Furniture Freedom!


Sep 20 2007

temporary home

category: short stories

My parents moved home in April 1982 when I was 18yrs studying for my A level’s in June 1982. 

Mum & Dad had been looking for a new home earnestly since 1977.  After 2 years of their looking I no longer took their house- hunting seriously.  I saw a fussiness that would rule-out all almost-right choices.  Hmmm….  like parents like daughter?  lets just not go there.  Suddenly in January 1982 they found a house nowhere near my school and succssfully purchased it.  They placed me in a foster-home for me to cover April 1982 thru June 1982.  Due to a vicious bout of the flu I was bed-ridden and couldn’t join in the choice.

My parents picked hosts who were a couple starting on their second marriage,  both recently divorced from their first marriages.  He was a ‘Royal Engineer‘ who was thoroughly commited to the Faulklands war that started in April 1982 both were staunch supporters of the Ronald Regan and conservative Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.   I hated the stink in the home.  Their Labrador puppy peeing on the floor daily didnt help. The couple made it clear that my coloured friend should not come to their house.  She was not an appropriate person for me to spend time with.  They explained to me that it embarressed them and lowered the tone of the neighbourhood to see her walking towards their house.  Soon it became obvious that my male-friends were also not allowed to call at this house, apparantly it made their home look like it was a brothel. 

I had friends of all colours and genders,  but only the white females were allowed to be seen walking to their house.  Even this honoured class had to be dressed appropriately,  meaning some form of Victorian image of demure.  Village life in 1982.  It may be village life today.  At the time I was furious with my parents for leaving me there.  Retrospectively I think I learned a lot of valuable lessons from the difficult experience of living with these people. 


Sep 14 2007

malicious mischief

category: short stories
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Malicious mischief is an actual offence in Washington State and a way of being for Matrix when she smells roses.   Being a very English domestic cat she simply loves a mouthful of roses.


Aug 10 2007

under sink passport

category: short stories
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In November I lost my second passport in one year.  I found lost passport # 1 when looking for lost passport #2.  When the UK Govt. sent a replacement passport #2 they put me on a special limited edition.  Limited to 1 year validity.  They call it the scatterbrain edition.

Tonight I found lost passport #2.  It was under an unused dusty note-book,  in a cupoboard, under a sink,  in a bathroom,  a cupboard that I didn’t think I had ever used. 

Passport.  Bathroom undersink cupboard.  Now I think that’s a bit silly. 


Jul 11 2007

icky sticky

category: short stories

South West UK:  mostly cloudy with outbreaks of rain

unlike like outbreaks of acne,  outbreaks of rain can be pleasant.  Misty fog with rain and drizzle can seem appealing when you’re not suffering from floods,  like the UK.

North West Pacific:  icky sticky

Here in the NW US,  despite proximity to rain forests and mountains on the west, a reputation for rain and yet more mountains and deserts on the east,  we’re having a hot sink. 

Even the kitties are panting for air conditioning.  

There is definitely a miner surge in the icky-sticky ratings understated in the weather summary:


Jun 26 2007

scarey with shiny metal teeth

category: short stories
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colleague:  I dreamt about you last night

wendy: yes?

colleauge: you were angry because I hadn’t finished this work

wendy: really?

colleague: you had metal braces on your teeth

wendy: grrrrrr…    …gnash…    ...sounds like a nightmare  

colleague: not really


Jun 09 2007

Visiting time at the BRI, 1968

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Mumsie packed older brother (9yrs) and I (5yrs) on a public bus for a 40min bus ride to the Marlborough St. City centre bus terminal

Exciting.  Adventure.  Upstairs on a double-decker bus without any adults.  Going to the big city.  Bother held my hand as we left the bus.  We walked up the hill towards the  Bristol Royal Infirmary.  I knew the way because I came on the Bus with Mumsie every Thursday when she came to the city to shop. 

Crossing the road,  very scary.  Mumzie always held my hand, checked for traffic.  I didn’t know how to cross the road.  I still find it particularly tricky.  I held my brothers hand tightly, walked fast and close to him as we crossed the road.  Once in the hospital I had no idea where to go.  My brother read the signs and found my other brother (6yrs) in the childrens ward,  who promptly started crying. 

What a wuss.  Here in this interesting big hospital with lots of fabulous toys and other children to play with and all he does is sit in bed crying!  I wandered off to play with the other children and big toys.   One of the children was bald.  Some wacky children in here.  Then dad turned up and we left crying brother in the hospital,  crying even more now.  We rode home in Dads pale blue Ford Corsair car.  I was allowed to sit in the front seat because Mumzie wasn’t there. 

All in all  a fabulous adventure. 


May 11 2007

another reprint

category: short stories
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line #1:  security scan at building entrance.

An Hispanic looking uniformed lady checks my appointment notice and ID then instructs “stand behind the line” until the tall Aryan looking blond man calls me through the scanner. He is using a baseball-bat shaped black stick to  ceremoniously wipe the whole body of an African looking lady.  The left side of her face looks crushed,  her left eye is low and mishapen, her cheekbone none-existent.  Manual misshaping.  She is standing with her arms out, crucifix style, turning on request,  she smiles at me.  I return her smile.  We are packages in this process to the processors,  as women we share an understanding of what it is to be a woman, a package.   The Aryan male calls me though.  I  raise my arms crucifix style.  He laughs and points me to the next line.

line #2: sorting line

There are 5 lines ahead.  Each line has a low-hung, easily obscured by people standing,  paper label describing its processing function.  I find the words “finger printing” in one and line-up.  All 5 lines go through a single processing point,  a chubby man, possibly Pacific Islander.  He doesn’t smile,  the edges of his mouth turn down. He looks sad.  He calls for people to approach him “line 2” or “line 4“.  People are accidentally in the wrong lines.  He sighs, he sends them to the back of the right line.  When it’s my turn he checks my ID and my appointment notice,  gives me a paper form to complete and a number “H14″.  

Line #3: Counter 11

Instrumental music is piped into a large hall with central rows of seating surrounded by 11 counters.  People don’t talk.  Two overhead TV’s tuned to CNN. Sound turned down, no subtitles.  Two large flat screen displays announce which counter is taking which number.  I complete my poorly designed form.  A canned voice announces “counter 11 is now serving H1“ The flat-screen updates.  The flat screen updates faster than the audio.  As the Audio announces “Counter 11 is now serving H4” the flat screen is announcing that counter 11 is serving H11.  At counter 11 sits a chubby lady with Pacific Islander characteristics whose mouth turns down so much at the edges that she looks sour before she’s even said anything.  I hand her my ID, appointment form and recently completed form  haveyoueverbeenmarried I paused to parse the very fast monotonically delivered sentence No

SourLady asks more questions,  all these questions were on the form I had given her,  verifying incase I didn’t complete the form properly,  highly likely given its poor design.  When finished she points to a line of people that she’s already processed & provides a large square of paper on which is written #12

Line #4: finger-print machines in sight

CNN TV’s are out of sight,  canned music isn’t piped into the finger printing room.  The chairs for the line-up are packed close together,  closer together than the average width of a person.  Bodies touch,  most unusual in the USA.  Sourlady process the people behind me with exactly the same questions,  in the same fast monotone  difficultforanEnglishspeakertoparse way. 

The process has dehumanised her and is dehumanising the Aliens she processes.  No room for smiles.  A cell phone rings and all the staff simultaneously turn round,  glare at the lady who’s phone rang while pointing at the wall sign that says ‘turn of your cell-phone”.   The movement was so simultaneous it looked choreographed,  like a Dennis Potter scene.  The glare felt vicious.  Silence maintained.  The silence feels oppressive and reverential like that of a church in prayer.   A child cries,  I start pulling faces at the child,  who pauses for a moment then carries on with renewed vigour.

I start to read “Making the Cat Laugh“,  Lynne is in a British registry office registering the Death of her father.  The atmosphere she describes is powerfully similar to my current environment,  except its English.  She draws analogies to Alan Bennett plays highlighting that the dramatic irony of real life so often reflects and extends that portrayed by artists.

Finger printing #12

A lady in 4″ healed mules,  tight white mini-skirt that shows the outline of her panties,  pink denim jacket with intentionally frayed cuffs,  red tight fitting plunge-neckline t-shirt with red glass beads bouncing between her breasts,   beckons me towards her.  Her long hair in tight curl’s with a ‘wet’ look and bright red lipstick on pale white skin made me wonder why?  what on earth made her choose all these strange ways to adorn herself?  ”Were you born in England?”  Yes “are you a citizen of England?”  I’m a citizen of the United Kingdom of Great Brit ”Yeah,  England”  Now if I’d been Scottish, Welsh or from Northern Ireland that would have really been inaccurate and insulting. 

RedLady asks some more questions that verify answers I gave on the badly designed form while chewing her gum, taking my photograph then pressing my fingers onto the print-capture screen.  You can go now.  Relieved to be released.

Now immigration services can be confident that my fingers are still on the same body as the face verifying my identity in my passport photograph. 


May 08 2007

first pacific flight crossing: glorious belly flop

category: short stories

Aerial circus star Clyde Pangborn and playboy Hugh Herndon, Jr., captured the Japanese prize with a glorious belly-flop in Wenatchee, Wash., in 1931.

I passed this hangar while faffing around in East Wenatchee.  Then discovered this colourful article on the  HistoryNet  (above title).  Local Washington State boy Mr. Pangborn was quite a character,  he went on to join the RAF (Royal Air Force)


Apr 22 2007

dichotomy in the universe of closed questions

category: short stories
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Waffle Warning

dichotomy in the universe of closed questions

a ‘closed question’ is a question that has a specific answer,  answers like:

Lets suppose that in the universe of possible questions there are an infinitie number of closed questions. 

What is the dichotomy in the universe of closed questions?  The dichotomy is between questions that can be answered ‘no’ such as  ‘Wendy,  do you live in an igloo?’,  and questions that can be answered ‘yes’ such as “Wendy do you live in a wooden house?”  Tonight’s beer-induced Wendy-epiphany is that this dichotomy of closed questions may not be equally populated.  I suspect that there are more possible questions to which the answer is ‘no’ than there are questions to which the answer is ‘yes’.  This suspicion is based on the following preliminary analysis:

Take this question structure as an example:  “Wendy, do you live in a  [insert word here]?”

If the inserted word is a physical home-type without counting all possible insertions I am estimating that the answer is more often No than Yes. 

Example physical home-type:  house, bungalo, igloo, TeePee, tent, hotel, skyscraper, apartment, condominium, flat, tree, bath, lake, road 

If the inserted word is some other plausible descriptor of living conditions I suspect there is still an obvious weighting towards no over yes.   

Example plausible descriptor:  mess, illusion, happy place, circus, bubble, dream, fantasy

If the inserted word is not plausible the answer is most likely to be no

Example not-plausible words: pin, parrot, toe-nail, bling, 43

There are more no than yes answers in the range of possible answers.  People tend to produce ‘yes’ answers,  it’s been studied by psychologists so that they can create and understand the results of questionnaires.  Since people tend (bias?) to agree, to provide ‘yes’ answers,  the tendancy has been given the fancy name of  ‘acquiescence bias’.    

People, not psychonlogists, use skill and prior knowledge to help raise the baseline for the production of ‘yes’ answers above that which would be predicted by either a

  • model that assumes the answers produced are a proportionally representative subset of all possible answers (More ‘No’ responses), or 
  • counter-balanced  (half no, half yes) answers approach normally used in questionnaire design to ‘control’ the bias.  

Some people, and psychologists, are so cunning they minimize asking questions that can be answered no and can effectively use this acquiescence bias to move towards, and gain, a concensus.  People are wonderfully clever like that;  giving each other the opportunity to say yes.

I really like questions where the answer is ‘yes’,  I’ll leave you with this example:

Wendy would you like another beer?”

Waffle warning over 


Apr 13 2007

sweater 101

category: short stories
Nurse:  what’s the problem?
Wendy: I’ve had a fever for 3 days
Nurse: what’s your temperature?
Wendy: I don’t know, I don’t have a thermometer (feels extremely guilty for failing this social communication requirement,  I haven’t transformed my experience into a standardised, shared, language a thermometer scale)
Nurse: how do you know you’ve got a fever?
Wendy:  alternating between profuse sweating and cold shakes with some hallucinations?


Apr 10 2007

Pianos in public

category: short stories
scribble tags:

Ever since stumbling across a grand Piano being played in the stairwell of a shopping centre I’ve been curious about the places that pianos might be found.  I’ve set up a flick-r photo-group to find Pianos in public to explore the possibilities.  Here are few examples:

Toronto Metro station:
Toronto Metro Piano

Impressive wheels:
Piano on Wheels

Cremation:
Death of a Piano

engine replacement:
Piano Car 2

Sidmouth Sea Seranade:
Sidmouth pianist

French riviera:
French Riveria


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