:: The Wendy House ::

sixty-nineth hypotheses about the multitudinal causal factors of my singleness

Reason #69: home improvements

Getting the new  old Wendy House running smoothly is going to be keeping my hands away from potential boy-girl naughtiness and may turn me into a bit of a bore judging by recent posts

sixty-eighth post in a series attempting to explain the subtle complexities of my singleness

Reason #68:  Teddy bears picnic

The chorus to this well known childrens song is turning-up as auditory hallucinations in my day today.  

Once I’d manage to throttle the teddybears into silence Marc Bolan turned up singing Debora,  a much more desirable intrusive thought,   you’ll find me attempting to harmonise with the Marc in my head,  its enough to put-off even the most soppy of suitors and definitely a downer for T.Rex fans.

Sixty-seven in a non-conversational-style series of posts detailing many reasons for my singleness

Reason #67: conversationally challenged

I haven’t got an engaging commute story,  I haven’t got neighbours from hell stories, in the US my food-centric conversations were decidedly below-par,  there are times when even I recognise that my conversational skills take a nose-dive,  I’m gradually realising that all the stock legitimate popular conversational topics are not part of my standard repetoire.

Sixty-sixth in a slightly opaque,  and yet slightly transparant,  series of posts detailing many reasons for my singleness

Reason #66: glass brick fascination

When I saw this wonderful glass brick wall,  with the beautiful plain font and circular windows in the door I not only photographed it,  I stood their gazing at it for minutes.  Taking in the beauty looking like a catatonic crazy woman.  This glass wall made me very happy,  I may just go and visit it again for a repeat performance.  Oh yes,  show me a well placed glass-brick and who knows what soppy messes will ensue. 

Reason 65 in a slowly emerging series detailing the reasons why I am currently not diddling with anyone.

Reason #65: slow learner

An unpleasant flavour mixed with the mild dizziness of nausea and a desire to be elsewhere. What prompts such an unpleasant physical reaction? Not the graphic goriness of Sweeny Todd but the sight of a small beautiful old pub in Nottingham, Bell Inn, where I spent many happy evenings in the early 90’s with my then intended and one enduring love. Who would have guessed that nearly 20 years later the sudden evocation of those happy memories would prompt such an unpleasant physical reaction? I begin to understand why over the years we’ve exchanged letters rather than met for lunch.

I’m a slow learner….

Sixty-forth in an in-sight-full series explaining the reasons behind my single-ness

Reason # 64: scary eyewear

Wearing Teflon Rohan trousers and a ski jacket with the hood up makes me look like I’m touting for business. While ambling home from work in the dark I notice that a car driving towards me slows up, passes, does a 3 point turn and starts to crawl the curb, matching my pace, next to me. I walk over, stoop to look into the car and give the obviously confused driver some advice. Upon seeing my scary eyewear he puts his foot on the accelerator.

sixty-third in a sporadic Wednesday series of posts explaining my singleness.

Reason #63: subconscious stalking. 

Geordie:  are you stalking me?
Wendy:  Probably,  but not that I’m aware of…

It is possible that one of the reasons for my singleness is that I find the excessive use of the phrase m-kay unengaging,  maybe even irritatingly, unimaginatively, overused.   Example phone call:

Wendy:  I’d like to book a (censored) on Sunday,  is that possible?

Lady:  m-kay  (click-click-click… ….click-click-click….click……click…. click-click-click… ….click-click-click….click……click….)   m-kay….   ……m-kay…..   (clic-click… ….click-click.. ..click…. ..click)  ….mmmmmm-kay…  (click…  )

Wendy: (starts counting the number of times the Lady says m-kay because Perry Como is not providing the sound track)

Lady:  Were you thinking morning or afternoon?

Wendy: Afternoon

Lady: m-kay…. …click-click (repeat 6 times)  does 2pm work for you

Wendy:  yes

More detailed questions required the Lady to sling dozens more m-kays into the clicky Perry Como-less void.  

Aaaaaarrrrgggggghhhhhhhh…..  

On posting the reasons for my singleness.  No time to explain. 

sixty-second in as unstructured Wednesday series of posts explaining my singleness.

Reason #62: easily confused. 

The not being single thing is all way too complicated.  My theory is that when it isn’t complicated then that’s the right match for me!  Slam dunk,  I’ll know because its all effortless and unconfusing.  It will be like an atronought landing on planet Wendy.

sixty-first in an weak weekly Wednesday series of posts explaining my singleness.

Reason #61: limp appeal. 

Despite the well-known hobbity effect,  and a limping Wendy being a fairly regular state of affairs, my limp hasn’t induced an affair but has induced a wobbly state.  Maybe I should just cut the falling-over part of being Wendy? 

sixtieth in an occasionally dark Wednesday series of posts explaining my singleness.

Reason #60: enjoys occasional gloom. 

I like being melancholic,  occasionally.  Overcast skies,  drizzle,  cold,  damp, and the like provides a familiar comforting feel.  I enjoy this occasionally.   Not all the time, just sometimes.

Fifty-nineth in an outspoken Wednesday series of posts proposing reasons for my singleness.

Reason #59: arrogant & mouthy

2 votes amongst friends can show a trend.  This trend looks like arrogant and mouthy.  Alas,  noone wants to spend a day on a desert island with me….  …Hmmmmm…. 

Fifty-eighth in a grumpy Wednesday series of posts proposing reasons for my singleness.

Reason #58: anglophile aversion

Lady@party:  my sister over there is an Anglophile,  she heard you talking in the kitchen,  you really must talk to her

Wendy: Oh (overhears the Anglophile imitating and English accent,  inaccurately overemphasing the vowel-sounds.  Decides to politely ignore the suggestion and starts conversation with interesting other-guest )

Host:  (brings anglophile over, interrupts interesting-other-guest conversation and introduces Anglophile.)

Wendy: Hello (returns to listening to ijnteresting-other-guest-story)

Other-guest:  how are you? (to Anglophile)

Anglophile:  Really happy,  I’ve just got a new calendar of London with things like Red London buses on it. (looks at Wendy)

Wendy: (Silence. Effortfully applied facial-stillness. Contemplates various escape routes)

Fifty-seventh in an unfeminised Wednesday series of posts ironing out the reasons for my singleness.

Reason #57: wrinklefest

YAY

It’s official,   I’m a wrinkly and proud of it.  Looks like I have what TV advertising calls ‘aging spots’  or are those subtle skin tones summer freckles?  I squidge my wrinkles at the organisations that attempt to sell anti-wrinkle cream and loudly chant

YAH-BOO TO YOU

My wrinkles are exuding rather-adorableness at twice the normal rate of a 43yr old to an audience that may not yet recognize their fundamental beauty.

fifty-sixth in a Wednesday-series of posts detailing the geographical causes of my singleness.

Reason # 56: Downtown

It has been pointed out to me that I am unlikely to meet cool happening cosmipolitan dudes while I do not live Downtown.  Where all the lights are bright.  Downtown.  Even Kevin Turvey recognised the value of going Downtown.

fifty-fifth in a Wednesday-series of posts detailing the not quite realistic causes of my singleness.

Reason # 55: fantasy land

Wendy having an absolutely fabulous time often involves lashings of fantasy play both indoors and in public places.  I have met very few boys that tolerate or engage in, or better still promote spontaneous fantasy play in public places.  They are absolutely yummy companions when I stumble across them…   

fifty-fourth in the essential-reading Wednesday-series of well-hyphenated posts detailing the causes of my singleness.

Reason #54: touched

When I see an instruction saying “do not touch” on something circular and raised that looks remarkably like a button,  it makes me want to push that thing even more.  Take this picture as an example.   Do you think I touched the button-like thing with my forefinger like one-would press a button? 

Was the designer of the Descarga automatica pulling my leg finger or am I still a tad too paranoid?  It’s hard to tell.  I need help with such tricky questions.

fifty-third in a Wednesday series of posts detailing the very serious causes of my singleness.

Reason #53: delayed reaction

when my leg is pulled 

sometimes I don’t notice it for

 …. minutes ….  

especially if my knee is grazed,  which it often is…..

fifty-third in a Wednesday series of posts attempting to uncover the many mysteries of my singleness

Reason #53: see reasons 1 though 52

I’m on Holiday in SPAIN,  Madrid,  its and exotic place,  surely you can’t expect me to write sensible reasons for being single when I’m on HOLIDAY.  You’ll have to satisfy your curiosity with a bit of re-visiting earlier gems of delightful rationality because I’m GONE.  Let’s say it together, with feeling,

GONE

MADRID

SPAIN

HOLIDAY 

(gosh,  I hope I’m alright)

fifty-second in a Wednesday series of posts uncovering my score on singleness.

Reason #52: one strike

One strike and I’m out.  Zero tolerance for anything even approximating physical violence to another human being or a cat.  Apparantly there are some people who believe in a discourse that endorses violence by attributing it to beyond control,  to passion,  they ’can’t help’ being violent,  they were provoked,  and so on.  What a load of complete bollocks.  Walking away is always an option for potential agressor and often also for the potential victim. 

fifty-first in a super Wednesday series of posts revealing the heroic reasons of my not currently coupling-ness

Reason #51: superhero

With a few notable exceptions (e.g.  the Simpsons) most classic superheros are single.  Batman,  Wonder Woman,  SuperMan, Valerie Singleton, and some popular Gods. 

fiftieth in a Wednesday series of posts revealing the seemingly unending reasons of my single-ittude

Reason #  50: underwhelming in person

software developer (SD):  YOU read Raymond Chen’s blog.  Why?

wendy:  I may not understand the code but I can read his attitude,  its funny.

SD:  yeah,  if it wasn’t for Raymond I never would have discovered Jenn or Wendy

wendy:  the Piehole and the Wendy House?

SD:  yeah

wendy:  I’ve met Jenn ………….and wendy……..that’s me,  that’s me,  I’m wendy (full horror-show of yellow wonky teeth glinting in the spring sunset frightening oncoming traffic as we drive west)

SD:  YOU?  wendy,  you ARE wendy?

wendy: yes-yes, yes-yes,  YES,   that’s MY blog.   I did it ALL myself…  … I did ask Raymond for help setting it up.  He pointed out that working on Windows was not the same thing as being an internet website development consultant   (…sleep inducing monologue of everything I think I know about blogging)

Forty-nineth in a Wednesday series of posts challenging your suspicions as to why I am single

Reason #  49: picky, Picky, PICKY

Example pickyness,  wendy age 16yrs,  Sailor age 18yrs cutting a dashing figure in his Navy uniform.  Sailor and I started dating when I was 12yrs and he 14.  Then he just disappeared when I was 13.  He reappeared when I was 16 and proposed marriage.  I suspected his commitment skills were  below par for the marriage course so I suggested that we wait the 5yrs until after I’d graduated from my University degree course before having the wedding.  He pouted quite prettily then made his final disappearance. 

It is the way of things.

Forty-eighth post in a Wednesday series where Wendy fails to meet someone that drives singleness out of the House

Reason #48: uninvolved

 When I saw the title of this book,  I suspected that I needed a book on how to ‘get things done when people are involved’ because:

Firstly,  I have noticed that people can stop me from getting things done.  For example,  the bus driver stopped me from driving my car,  the lady in the Diner stopped me from cooking my breakfast,  and other more shocking things

Secondly, being single is being uninvolved so this book might help me to get involved.   

Meetings are much more complicated than I realised.

forty-seventh post in a Wednesday series highlighting some of the pollutants that promote Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 47: emissions tested

Wendys can produce unfiltered, untested balderdash. In Washington State gas emissions are subject to production constraints and testing, but alas, not Wendy’s balderbash. Boys ill-equipt with their own balderdash filtering mechnaism are unlikely to survive pre-dating balderbash emissions.

forty-sixth post in a Wednesday series highlighting some of the messages that direct Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 46:  wrong way moose

I have never been inside one of these big Moose buildings.  I’m curious about the happenings within.  But, just as curiosity bites, a serendipitously placed road sign tells me this is the wrong way.  

forty-fifth post in a Wednesday series highlighting some of the trivial reasons that all add up to explaining Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 45:  not scared of garden spiders

They’re cute,  they are fluffy,  they entertain the fluffballs,  they catch buzzy irritating flies and weave beautiful webs.  What is not to like about them?  All this ’scream’ & be pathetic over tiny little garden spiders is a construction of the feminine that somehow didn’t work its way passed my sensible judgement but may have done a confident spider-remover out of a boyfriend job.

forty-forth post in a Wednesday series detailing the technical basis of Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 44:  untechnical nails

My nails do not protrude beyond the tips of fingers,  they are not coloured,  they are not technical.  If my eyes pause on a persons nails that protrude beyond the end of the finger I immediately guess that this person is

• dexterous
• not a brain surgeon
• disabled
• noisey, if using a keyboard
• a woman

This advert arrived in the Wendy House to remind me that I can save 20% in my unceasing quest to achieve clean, professional, femaleness:

forty-third post in a Wednesday series detailing the fluffy contributions to Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 43:  natural fluffines

I was 17 when I realised that some adult females shave their legs. 

It was a hot summer day in the sixth form between classes.  A new girl in the school had almost transclucent skin and bleached hair cut to look like Kim Wilde whom she resembled.  Her legs were covered in  black stubble,  like George Michaels permanent 5 o’clock shadow.   The hair on my legs was more sparse than her stubble.  Being unshorn rather than root-stump,  my leg hair was soft in a downy fluff,   pleasant to touch.  My fluff gently faded in the summer sun.  My leg, armpit and head fluff coincidentally resembled that of another fabulous adult female,  Patti Smith.

I remember the moment clearly because I felt so stupid for not having known that this is expected in some constructions of feminity.  Maintianing an illusion of pre-pubescent, child,  hair levels.  I wonder if any USA post-pubescent females, other than Patti Smith, dare demonstrate this natural fluff in public.

forty-second post in a Wednesday series detailing the illnesses that cause Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 42:  shopping allergy

Shopping is defined as either:

• time spent in shops, physical or online, with the intent to purchase.  Unlike the Wikipedia definition of shopping this definition does not require making a purchase as a necessary outcome of the shopping process.  Intent to purchase something is suffcient.
• Purchasing.  In this case you can be in the shop,  physical or online, without the intent to purchase.  An impuls purchase converts the pre-shopping activity temporarily into full-blown shopping. 

In an advanced consumerist society owning a shopping allergy is just darn inconsiderate, but then so are the hyperventilating or temper tantrums that shopping can induce in a Wendy.  Luckily,  singleness provides major relief by enabling me to minimize and sometimes avoid typical couple-shopping trips to places like IKEA, garden centres, DIY shops.  For reasons that are completely unclear music and book shopping are not included in my allergy.