Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome, former professional-brick-layer, young product-dispensing hairdresser are temporarily on hold while I investigate cheaper less product-pushing alternatives. This tip is bought to you courtesy of Lucia from the Philippines in her own local family business salon:
keep your hair short in the winter
Before I could consider the merits of this tip, Lucia had launched her scissors into the remnants of my mop which is now, indeed, short for the winter.
The Wendy House kitchen is currently camping under canvas in the September rain, ruthless.
Much to my surprise the self-mutilating builders turned-up. I wasn’t expecting them because there have been more false starts than a particularly rusty old Fiat Panda on a frosty morning.
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome, former professional-brick-layer, young product-dispensing hairdresser:
you want asymmetrical
As usual, I’ll be taking Alan’s tip very seriously and following up on this gem of wisdom
Builder: you must want to shoot me, let me explain …[5 minutes creative explanation]
I wonder why he assumed I would choose a gun in a country who’s weapon of choice this summer is the knife. That aside, his cute Reading accent, entertaining excuses, with the lack of urgency for the renovations made the whole situation mildly amusing.
When the smell of car, smell of book, or smell of plastic just isn’t enough to please the peoplewho come within sniffing distance of your life.
When you long for the-day-after-a-night-in-the-pub smokey scent in your hair,
Try the new tobacco scented shower gel
you know it makes scents.
Removing the darkness and the dampness
The helpful builders
when they turn-up*
will replace the original, rotting, leaky, kitchen roof
The roof does provide a home for many forms of damp-loving wildlife, most notably moss, but I’ll be sacrificing thier habitat for a dry kitchen with sky-light.
Luxury!
* an English colleague has informed me that ‘not turning up on schedule’ is the sign of a highly professional English builder.
As you approach the Reading Cattle Market on Great Knollys Street you pass this wonderful mural of British Friesians. The covered cattle market is built of large red-bricks. Approximately 4 times the size of normal bricks. I’ve never seen such large bricks. The walls of the market are covered with advertisements for farming related artefacts, breeds of cattle and British cattle farmer values. 
Next to Great Knollys Street is Abattoirs Road. Adam Sowan’s history of Reading street names is named after Abbatoirs Road and calls out that Road as designation became popular in Victorian times, implying that Great Knollys Street predates Abbatoirs Road. 
Abbatoirs Road runs along the main Railway line that links London with Cardiff. The space under the arches of the grey-brick rail bridge are used by retailers. At the begining of Abbatoirs Road is a Jazz club in a railway arch.
After the Abbatoir the cattle move on to the Butchers shop then on to someone’s kitchen. All within less than a square mile.
Thimbleby and Shoreland, founded in 1901, maintain an auction house on the impressively named Great Knollys Street in downtown Reading. Thimbleby and Shoreland declare themselves:
the leading international specialist in the sale and valuation of horse-drawn carriages and related items, hosting the world famous Reading Carriage Sales
Recently they auctioned ‘THE DAVE SCARROTT COLLECTION OF TRAPS, LURES and SCARERS’ As you’ve wisely deduced, I couldn’t resist taking a peak at such a curious collection. The Auction brochure reports:
THE TRAP MAN
A motor mechanic by profession, Dave Scarrott started this unique collection quite by chance some twenty years ago when he was offered a couple of traps by a friend. From those small beginnings his passion grew to the extent of the present collection with interesting and rare traps and other artefacts having been sourced from all over the world.
The family have lived in the South Oxfordshire area from time immemorial and Dave will be the first to admit that his unusual hobby ‘is in the blood’ and he makes no secret of the fact that his great uncle, Jack Scarrott, was a notorious local poacher. It was a way of life in those early days with a large family to support and no social security! So notorious was he that the Kirtlington Estate saw fit to appoint him as their head game keeper and use his skills to their advantage, thereby killing two birds with one stone!
Dave and his collection have been a familiar sight at most local shows and it is undoubtedly one of the finest single collections in the country. The decision to sell has not been an easy one but has been forced on him due to illness. Unfortunately therefore, his days of travelling around the local shows are over, but rather than just ‘shut up shop’ Dave has reluctantly decided it is time to call it a day and move on
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome young product-dispensing hairdresser:
If someone has been shouting at you for playing football near their house and generally been grumpy and verbally abusive whenever they see you, don’t get into their car when they follow you along the street and start insisting that you accept a lift from them while smiling and being uncharacteristically smarmy
As usual, I’ll be taking Alan’s tip very seriously and following up on this gem of wisdom
A Reading friend of London extraction recently took a vacation in the wild west of the English Riveria. She was pleased to discover that all modern conveniences are available in Paignton. No longer do people on the English Riviera have to share their teeth with ancesters, neighbours, or complete strangers.
No more waiting for a person to finnish using their teeth before you can enjoy a crunchy-nut peanut butter sandwich. You can hear my friends excitement:
New Dentures??!! - as oppose to??!! Used dentures, one careful lady owner??!! Priceless!
In John Lewis’ this chap demonstrates a shoulder bag, hat and khaki cargo pants, he has almost all the necessaries to be a real dude.
Given that taking photographs of children would indicate that I am actually a latent criminal I decided to take advantage of the fabulous resources provided by the shop that is humbly known as Jacksons by photographing childrens outer-layers in their absence. Below are pictures of no children in neatly ordered school uniform Jackets, games blouses, and jumpers:
A friend cited a blog post on Jacksons that I hadn’t yet written. I suspect this is because my conversation and blog posts become indistinguishable over time as they ferment. I’m fermenting a whole series of posts on the outstanding store that is Jacksons, that rightfully has a whole corner in Reading named after it.
We’ll start outside with the outstanding window displays. These are reminiscent of the 1960’s. The paper backdrop of large flowers could have been made, lovingly, by my mother, or yours. Thoughtful, personal, tailored rather than mass produced, I find the displays enticing.
Even the Mannequin’s look like they’ve escaped from the 1960’s. With humour. The Ladies nightware is cleverly marketted as ‘Slenderella’ and ‘Damella. But the names don’t quite make up for non-topical goods. You have to prize non-topical good to buy this nightware.
The store cares, next to the sign indicating that they have the ubiquitous CCTV is one pointing out that their floors MAY be slippery when wet. another sign lets you know that for our own safety we should not lean against their windows. Is there an ominous side to this? Are they teasing us? Which floors are wet and which are dry? What will happen if we lean against their windows?
This slightly sinnister side is compounded by some of the mannequins. A child mannequin in a tutu appears to watch you with evil eyes… …she scared me… …intrigued me…
Other Mannequins display a slightly non-sober jaunty angle with their wigs and hats. Explore my flickr photographs of Jacksons for the full effect.
Rarely can I resisit going into Jacksons. The inside of the store is another set of stories altogether. Worth waiting for.
Alan D Hayward IS Licensed to deal in game. That’s like 007 is licensed to kill, only this is licensed to deal. Merriam-Webster’s 3rd option (a and b) of the verb ‘deal’ defines it as:
a: to engage in bargaining : trade b: to sell or distribute something as a business <deal in insurance>
licenced to make a living from trading dead birds….
home made cakes rather than those that have been delivered from further afield are proffered by the wonderful little ‘picnic’ shop on the Butter Market.
This is in stark contrast to its new neighbour, Starbucks. I choose picnic with local home made cakes and delicious salads every time. But then directly across the Butter Market there are more choices, Munchees or big chain of Costa Coffee?
I felt impelled to excape cafe corner on the Butter Market, go home and make myself a sandwich after this imposing decision dilemma.
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome young product-dispensing hairdresser:
If you’re looking for a good winebar the best place in Reading is the Forbury Hotel restaurant bar
As usual, I’ll be taking Alan’s tip very seriously and following up on this gem of wisdom
Recently I walked into this shop where a handsome young assistant asked if I needed any help.
No help needed.
I can ‘do’ decisions about knobs without any assistance. Instead, I feighend the need for decision support to keep the lad entertained. He learned about the dark oak beams, the matt-black metal latches on the doors and fianlly about my hammer-action masonary Black and Decker power drill.
He looked somewhat amused and orded 10 matt-black metal knobs for me. Success!
The local corner shop is a large old co-op, opened in 1901. I’m thrilled, customer owned stores are worth supporting with custom.
Official Co-op website: http://www.co-operative.coop/
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome young product-dispensing hairdresser:
“I picked up a newer model of my current phone, after one night’s use the pictures were terrible, all fuzzy. I took the phone back and they said they couldn’t exchange it because it was working probably properly*, I asked what should I do? and they said, Vodaphone support said, change to another service provider they even recommended one!”
He certainly knows a thing or thirty-two about almost everything.
*editted multiple times post-publication to remove the superfluous, random, and just darn wanton spelling mistakes
Aside from the obvious move-in expenses of emergency plumbing services (leaky kitchen and radiators) and emergency locksmith services (took the wrong key out of the house with me). I’ve whipped out my wallet for the following items
Coming soon: power drill.
I am way too excited about impending power-drilling activity in house and garden
WhirrrrrRRRrrrrrrRRRrrrrRRrrrrr
The 1980’s UK social classification of electrical products divided into ‘white goods’ (fridge, washing machine, Iron, etc) and ‘black goods’ (TV, Hi-Fi etc). This division was reflected in the location of the items in shops and the marketing styles.
The only electrical goods that came with me from America fall outside the colour classification by being red (laptop & camera) or silver (network drive). The new old Wendy House came with some white goods (fridge, cooker, microwave, combination boiler, radiators) and no black goods.
Should I buy some form of black goods?
This is a non-trivial question. Judging by Bang and Olufsen’s website it is a decision the price of a small car. I’m not spending that much money….
Plumber. Canadian. Cheerful. If he can’t, he knows someone who can. Given the numerous needs of the new old Wendy House and Kevin’s clear talents I suspect he will soon be visiting again. Here’s Kevin’s first work quote:
Quotation for the following work to be carried out at: :: The Wendy House ::
Repoint some of the lower bricks on the front face of the residence that seem to be allowing water to pass through into the kitchen. The next step is to build up the area and surroundings with a light layer of sand. Some stakes and light framing to outline and contain the continuation of the cement or the new cement we are to add. Next mix and poor cement into outlined area giggling and smoothing down into place. Once the cement starts to set you can brush the surface with a broom to give it a gritty top and sign the bottom corner with artists signature and its finished. This will then require a few days to set and all the water to run out before you may put it to use.
Quotation for labour £ 200.00 vat inclusive
Materials estimate £35.00 realistically
Alas, the kitties will arrive too late to put their paw-prints in the cement…
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome young product-dispensing hairdresser:
Have you tried Nirvana? you should, you deserve it
After all the cleaning, box unpacking and furniture moving excitement of this weekend Alan’s clearly a fellow who knows how to point a Wendy in the right direction.
Unsent letter to the Estate Agent, Senior Negotiator, responsible for selling the Wendy House I am currently in the process of buying.
Dear charmless, perspectiveless, stink-making, bottom-crawler,
[censored]… unnecessary phone calls …[Censored]… calling my solicitor, whom you recommended, pedantic for ensuring I do not take-on legal responsibility for the restrictive covenants broken by your client …[CENSORED]… zit on the bollocks of a decaying elephant corpse…[CENSORED]…
May your forever suffer from the ickiest of itchy skin diseases and armpits smell of the purest sulpher to match the stench of the puke spewing forth from your rotten mouth,
Wendy
Call me cowardly, or passive-aggressive, but I no longer bother answering phone-calls from the dragon. The dragon has taught me that answering her calls is more irritating than helpful to anyone. The last of my twice-daily answerphone messages from said bottom-crawler involved her screaming direction for me to call her because… …apparantly… ….my solicitor wasn’t answering her phone calls. I wonder why? Ignoring her calls is contagious…
Did I call the dragon following this unprofessionally delivered demand? No.
If she asks nicely I might just consider calling her… …and pigs might fly ne c’est pas?
The lady serving customers in the local cornershop invariably manages the whole purchasing experience with one hand while holding a conversation. She can operate the till, listen to customer requests, select cigarettes, take change, she can even give you a plastic bag to load your shopping into, with one hand and no fluster whatsoever.
Very impressive
Initial repair and maintenance costs will be based on a full structural survey, local and environmental searches, drainage and sewerage reports and finally builders work estimates. Builder estimates will include:
- Replace Kitchen roof: new slate, new pitch, increased overhang.
- Damp-proof-course protection: add the standard building regulation gulley around the conservatory and front of the house, add vertical damp-proof course at the each of the 3 junctions where a garden wall meets the House walls, and internal injection damp-proofing the wall between the kitchen and the hall cupboard.
- Insulation improvements: Increase insulation quilt thickness to 250mm over horizontal ceilings & use high performance insulation slabs or the loft access hatch and over sloping ceilings.
- Replace missing slates on main roof.
- Install humidity sensitive extractor fans in kitchen and bathroom.
A new Wendy House on the horizon, with a new Kitchen roof, it’s all very exciting… …I’ll have a cup of tea while I re-read the survey bacause that’s my idea of fun….
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome young product-dispensing hairdresser:
Legend, even with Will Smith in it, it’s just another zombie film
John Lewis’s till operator (JLTO): that will be 33 pounds 75
I put out 2 twenty pound notes and 4 pound coins
JLYO: I’m sorry, did I say 44 pounds?
Wendy: No, you said 33.75. I’ve given you enough to round-up to give me change of a tenner and a few coins
JLYO: You’ve still given me one pound too much
He hands me a pound, pulls a fiver from the till and starts counting lots of chunky coins.
Wendy: Hang on. I want to minimize my small change and get a tenner. If I give you 44 quid you can give me a tenner and 25 pence change, right?
JLYO: oh yeah. Sorry, its really hectic today
In the quest for a new Wendy House of my own I have been visiting a variety of Estate agents, one at a time. They all ask:
What’s your current address?
The Wendy Pent-House
Can you see the theme in the replies?
#1 Romans Estate Agent: the big white house?
#2 Carsons Estate Agent: the big white house? I just sold a flat there for 240,000, very nice.
#3: Prospect Estate Agent: the big white house? We have a flat for sale there by Mr. [name], would you like to view it?
Wendy to prospect agent: [family name]?
Agent: Yes, he’s…
Wendy: …a professional football player, the other people living in the building told me about him* he’s currently on loan to [football team, not based in Reading].
Agent: You’ve just missed him by minutes. He came in here, just now, that’s quite a coincidence…
Wendy (oozing insincerity out of every orifice and some pores too): Oh dear, what a shame.
*an unpublishable variety of unflattering names were used by to describe the fellow and descriptions of how he engaged with them.
are you finding everything ok?
is a phrase that appears to be a ubiquitous conversation opener between shop-staff and customers in the NW US. Staff will say this to the back of your head or across over 10ft of shop-floor space. Sometimes 3 or 4 staff in a store will ask you this as you browse their stock. They made me feel guilty for not having a specific something to find in an ‘ok’ way. I felt I needed to have a target, they made me want to leave the shop and apologise for browsing. I used to reply by saying
I’m alright, I’m just browsing
After this phrase they would let me know that I should get them if I needed anything. Very proactively supportive. At first it felt slightly intrusive, but the system of making themselves known, highlighting their intent to serve, is very customer focused. It also felt very predictable and fomulaic, impersonal. Making shopping feel like the factory style process.
The two distinct differences in the UK are that the shop staff
- make sure they have eye-contact with you before speaking
- have a different, if equally predictable, opening phrase.
When looking for a jumper in Jigsaw assistant one caught my eye and asked
‘are you alright?‘
another 2 assistants just caught my eye and smiled. Catching my eye was providing me with the opportunity to ask them something, letting me know they are there for me. It has been easy to re-adjust to the UK approach. If I need assistance I lift my head and scan the faces in the shop until I get eye-contact, normally followed by a smile and if the shop is not busy (unlikely, Jigsaw is an exception) the staff member walks over before starting to talk rather than raising their voice to talk across several feet space.
Off to the shops. The shopping tortutre. Ick. Luckily I was armed with a set of seasonal shopping lists from those short-people* that must be obeyed because of their lung, pout, and innovative-torturing-technique, capacity.
Toddling home armed with short-people pacifiers and a book. A book that lists Reading street names, almost but not quite, alphabetically as it outlines the significance of the names.
Here’s an excerpt from my current Reading, reading, material (my emphasis):
The Reading Paving Act of 1827 – a splendid document written in legalese that never uses one word where three, or better still nine, will do – talks only of ‘streets, Lanes, public passages and Places’. (It also says that occupiers have to sweep the pavement outside their houses, and specifies when they should remove Night Soil or filth from the Necessaries or Boghouses.)
