:: The Wendy House ::

stranger on the street:  have you got the time?

This is not a question I was asked in the US.  This question has been put to me on several occasions when walking from bus stops to appointments in the UK.

The question always makes me think twice before replying.  Am I being asked for the current time or does the asker suspect that I may be a professional street walker?

waiting room receptionist:  are you being seen to?

I had my cats ’seen to’ as a condition of adopting them from rescue centres.   

Wendy:  someone has been notified of my arrival

Cunningly avoiding providing information on the impending existence, or not, of my reproductory organs. 

Phew,  near miss!

Not ‘are you apprehended by the police for the ghastly crime of insufficient height’ but another clever euphemism for wanting to go to the toilet.  The city of Westminster has signs to help you out with clever stick-people designs to illustrate the problem for those people who don’t understand the idiom ‘caught short’.   My favourite part of the sign is the invitation to text toilet,  for a toilet.  Hoorah,  no euphemisims there just send a text saying what you need,  effectively the bottom-line…

‘ jobs worth

is a truncation of the phrase “it’s more than my jobs worth“.  It’’s a phrase that I heard in the UK,  not in the US

To me it means the activity is likely to cost the person their job.  It is something they can’t, or wont, do.  I’ve not heard the phrase in the US.  It’s more dramatic than my experience of typical US ways of expressing which are more literally descriptive.  ‘Jobs worth’ is a fairly dramatic refusal to do something outside of known procedures even in the UK.  

NPR weekend edition Saturday listed the US soldiers reported killed in Iraq ending with this statistic: “one soldier died in a non-combat related incident“.  Non-combat related incident?  is this a euphemism for one or more of the following:

• old age
• cancer
• accident 
• friendly fire
• murder

It’s the first time I’ve heard this lengthy phrase to describe a death.  When civilian deaths are reported the news normally includes some comment that indicates the circumstances by describing where body was found,  in a wrecked car on the Interstate,  a burn’t house,  on the Green river bank.

conversation soon after first arriving in the US 

Wendy: “he was the shiniest blackest man I’ve ever met”

USA people nearby:  “ __________________________________”

USA person: “Wendy…    …..you can’t say that”

Wendy:  “say what?”

USA Person: “shiny black,  it’s like saying greasy monkey,  its offensive”

Wendy: “oh,  can I say shiny without the black or black without the shiny?”

USA person: “you can say people of color or African Americans

Wendy:  “and shiny?”

USA person:  “best avoided altogether”

USA linguistic correctness is complicated.  More complicated than spelling words with triple vowels.  Apparantly there are white people and people of colour.  White people and everybody-else .  All skin shades lumped into one category ’not-white’.  This is complicated especially if you want to describing different qualities of non-whiteness,  or even the different shades of white,  which are really colours.  I’m probably repeatedly offending people here all over the shop.  Hopefully they’ll let me know my social faux pas’ like the above fellow… 

people of color = not-white

“The combined science of citrus and ginger“ 

Citrus is Science? 

Ginger is Science? 

These two ‘Sciences’ can be combined? 

Its enough to confuse a person into tripping up and bumping her nose on the floor.  Do they mean ‘good effects’  the good effects of citrus combined with the good effects of ginger?  If that is what they mean then I can continue walking without a nose bleed.  I can’t be sure.   It gets worse.  Exfoliating body scrub?   I can scrub my body without exfoliating it?  Sometimes I can be so pathetic without noticing it.  

science = good effect 

generic?  archetypal?  Does a ‘generic’ drug do all the things that specific drugs do because it’s generic?  The phrase makes me think of the ‘medicine man’ characters that make appearances in US Western films advertising magical cure-all elixias… 

Generic drug is the phrase used in the US to refer to the drug behind the branding,  the active component of packaged medicines.  Fortunes are made by companies branding drugs, its an obscenity I know little about.

I wonder if black Tea qualifies as a generic drug and how much can I get for my $4?

do your windows:

• provide too much sunlight? 
• let random passers-by and snoopy stalkers look into your home?

The situation is curable with the help of an interior designer and scientifically proven Window Treatments.  8/10 cat owners said their cats prefered Window Treatments to drapery.   Window Treatments cure more windows than drapes, curtains, blinds or nets alone.  Get some windows treatment now,  you know it makes sense.

My voicemail recieved a pre-recorded message from the people that empty my bins: (US = ‘waste disposal service’). 

thier tape recorder phones my tape recorder

The impending ‘weather event’ might interrupt my service.  Not to worry!  They’ll come next week and take twice the rubbish away.  Hooray!  Wonderfully polite and thoughtful. 

‘weather event’?!  Seattle services’ way of saying “snow“, “high winds“, ’something not nice’,  ‘some nastiness’ without causing customers to panic.  Or, maybe they’re expecting a heat-wave and the bin service people to call in ’sick’ as they dash to ‘reccuperate’ on the local beaches with their surf boards.  ‘Weather event‘ certainly covers a broad range of possibilities. 

Near me the weather event turned out to be a couple of hours of snow, producing ’slush’ on the roads, local Seattle drivers aqua-planning or deserting their cars on the roadside.  Some parts of the Seattle region collected over half a foot of snow.  Meanwhile, LooSea didn’t even skid in our local 3 inches.  Here are LooSea’s tracks mixed with evidence of people, cars and bicyles outside the Wendy House… …in the evening slush..

Innocently wandering through a Dungeness, not Dungeness, graveyard.  As one is wont to do.

Minding my own business. Reading the odd,  very odd, gravestone.  When,

SUDDENLY 

As if from nowhere,  a cryptic cat launched itself at my torso.  It cunningly used pin-prick claws to latch onto my skinny left thigh.  While chewing my zipper and partially succeeding in mesmerizing me with talking eyes the killer kitty eye’d my nose as a potential source of protien:

Scared, me?  Oh yes. 

Lot’s of ‘nice kitty’s were administered to secure my thigh’s freedom. 

Finally I discovered that offering my fingers as a sacrifice helped lure the kitty’s claws from my leg as it performed the twistiest of jumps in a digit devouring frenzy.  My fingers and legs bare punctuation scars…

I’ve not heard an American use the phrase ‘graveyard’ nor seen sign’s with the phrase.  Roads are called ‘cemetary road’ and sign’s indicate cemetaries.  Modern cemetaries are often labelled ’memorial garden’.  The mutliple, relevant, related meanings that come with using the word ’grave‘ appeal to me:

1. dig; excavate.
2. carve or shape with a chisel: sculpture; carve or cut (as letters or figures) into a hard surface: engrave.
3. to impress or fix (as a thought) deeply.

There is a trend amongst the young adult girls of Seattle.  I’ve not noticed boys indulging in this fluffy passtime.  The trend is wearing your pyjamma pants as everyday wear.  What does this dressing choice say?

Possibly it’s a variation on the notion of ‘come to bed eyes’,  ‘come to bed pants’?  Maybe it’s a way of expressing how ‘laid back’ you are “I’m so laid back I didn’t even bother getting dressed this morning“.  Could it be that these girl’s objected to the storyline of ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ and they’re making a point about the fashion industry,  they’re awake in Seattle and not following the store-based clothing classifications.  A wee rebellion against the fashion industry.  Hoorah! 

Here’s a couple of girls sporting the look in a local Coffee House:

The folded arms, ankles-crossed, pony-tails, multiple uncoordinated colours, jacket shorter than t-shirt and trainers (US = sneakers) are all optional extra’s but definitely part of the core ‘look’ I see the local girls stylin’ in.  I may have to try this out to get the full experience of the fashion-rebellious pyjamma’s as outer-wear thing. Like wearing other people’s clothes, but not quite since I will have to purchase my own Hello Kitty Pyjamma pants. 

I’ll report back on the experience.  Wish me luck

fifteenth post in a Wednesday series touching on the poignant physical mysteries of “why wendy’s single“.  

Reason # 15: broken oven

I wont be baking my own. 

Even Wikipedia cites this euphemism to describe constipation.  The packaging on US shop sold products is phrased in terms of obtaining regularity.  No mention of softening stools, relieving cramps, or other symptoms associated with constipation. 

I’ve always been a bit of a regular softy

“I just need to take a bio break“

Will the USA euphemisms for ‘go to the TOILET‘ never cease?  I have to admire their perpetual creativity.  Maybe it’s the new frontier,  lavatory linguistics?  Now they can no longer literally ‘go west’ they ‘go to the rest rooms’ and invent brave new words for the experience to baffle the foriegners.  Splendid,  I’ll play,  after a quick ‘de-hydration squirt’

The BBC debunks barbering.  The full article is worth reading. Here I’ve pulled extracts that provide an insight into why Christian Ohio male teachers might be considered of ill repute if they attended a barber:

“Hair, it seems, had been a very important social and religious issue throughout all of the history of mankind, especially since many ancient superstitions revolved around it…   …In 1308, the world’s oldest barber organisation, still known in London as the “Worshipful Company of Barbers” was founded…   …By the end of the 18th century, most barbers had given up their rights to perform surgery, except in small towns where surgeons were not available. They lost their status and became labourers, fashioning wigs in the 18th and 19th century, and their shops became shady hangouts…   …the art of barbering was revived in 1893 when A. B. Moler established a school for barbers in Chicago. Several years before, in 1886, the Barbers’ Protective Union had been founded in Columbus, Ohio, which eventually became Journeymen Barber’s International on December 5, 1887. In 1897, the State of Minnesota passed the legislation for a barber licence.“

In the 1970’s the English barber shops were still supplying their customers with ”A little something for the weekend“.  Their exclussively male clients could avoid the embarressment of going into a chemist* to ask for ‘french letters’ over the counter where the shop assisstant might be neither male nor discrete and other customers may overhear the request.  That’s very embaressing.  Barbers are discrete and approving of your opportunity to use the french letters.  How do I know this?  Let’s just say ‘word of mouth’ 

* Chemist (UK) = Drugstore (US)

US people ‘rest in a room’.  It sounds meditative, contemplative, possibly even spiritual.  

When tour de france cyclists take a forced break they “commune with nature“.  This sounds even more spiritual than ‘resting’.

I tend to use the loo to have a pee or take a dump.  It is probably a strikingly similar experience without the spiritually inspiring label.   Maybe I need to put some religous symbols in my loo rest rooms to help local visitors feel rested.

A sticker on the underside of my shoe says:

Synthetic upper. Man made sole.

Woman made upper? Machine-made upper? Synthetic sole?  The sole looks like machine moulded plastic rather than ‘hand’ made by people.  It all smells like plastic to me. I wonder why the sticker doesn’t say something like

plastic

or, to be more specific:

made by people and machines from plastic

occassionally the ‘executives’ send emails to the coal-face.  93.14159 % of them start with the phrase “I’m super excited…”   Apparently they get super excited about sweeping generalisations, nothing specific.   These make me think of labrador puppies before they’ve been house trained.  Not inspring confidence in the executives ability to put a finger on the pulse of the organisation.  Do US people thrive on this sort of vague praise?

To me ‘Super excited’ is beginning to mean ‘here comes the motivational management bull****. Skip down two or three paragraphs to avoid having your intelligence insulted and actually find out what this email is really about’ 

Sanitary protection (UK) isle

Both euphemisms refer to the social value of ‘cleanliness’ something that traditionally groups with lower social standing own - the cleaning.  The US euphemisim clearly cites this as a female issue.  Women,  cleaning,  clearly acceptable terms to put together.  The name Jenn overheard a female using refers to females in a respectful way without raising cleaniliness or anything that might disturb people who don’t bleed (blood?):  Lady pants.  I suspect lady pants will never catch on as a euphamism because it has too few syllables per word to be sufficiently pretentious for a modern euphamism (e.g. used = previously owned).  Lets play with the experience to find a new euphemism. 

This isn’t a hygeine issue because the blood is fresh.  I don’t like the inference that I have a hygiene problem because I’m a girl. Bad marketting.  We could ’balance’ the names by also having a ‘male hygeine’ isle.  The male hygiene isle would contain products for cleaning spatter from around the toilet (rest room), removing sperm ejaculated while asleep (wet dreams) with quick sheet drying abilities,  and other messy stuff that is male-body-function-specific.  Some wonderful product-euphamisms possible here,  for example, dry dream wipes.  Rather than add another set of gender specific hygeine problems to be solved,  lets cut the word hygeine.

This is a blood-flow management issue.  Management is a much better word more taking control and sorting things out.  To avoid the monosyllabic word blood lets pair management with the technical term - Menstruation.  Ideal.  Lots of syllables,  unintelligible, unpronouncable to the uninitiated (children),  and it start’s with an M.

Menstruation Management isle

They could stock this supermarket isle with pain killers,  stress relief products, chocolate, action/violence DVDs and bandages for anyone who said the wrong thing to the Menstruator.  With a name like feminine hygeine the products do not sit naturally with the other products that a menstruator might impulse purchase at the same time.  In the US feminine hygeine products are often placed by nappies.  How whacky is that?  It says to me,  this is your place:  clean the messes, have babies and clean their messes.  Not an embodiment of the progressive attitude I’d expect to encounter in North America.  I’m not going to impulse buy some baby pants when I’m suffering from pre-menstrual tension/syndrome.  Shops are missing out on a key marketting opportunity by implying menstruating women have a hygiene problem,  not mechandising to leverage female financial independence,  and offending people like me by forcing me to walk by baby pants.   

khaki cargo pants & t-shirts

Wendy: dress in clothes your mother would think you look good in. Casual with a hint of smart because you are representing the company to these customers.

male colleague: Khaki’s and logo’d t-shirt Ok?

Wendy: a popular choice!

fascinated by the evolution of euphemisms?  This book could be good for you,  it was for me:

when will jesus bring the pork chops?   George Carlin

It’s proudly sitting in my Loo to hold the attention of people taking a short ‘rest’.  It’s not due to escape soon.

US people appear to avoid using this word.  When in restaurants they use the phrase  ’Rest rooms’.  Descriptions of homes for sale may include 1.5 ‘bathrooms’.  The 0.5 bathroom is one without a bath (uh?!) or a shower.  It appears to mean a room with a sink and a toilet.  Even toilet paper is labeled ‘Bathroom’ tissue. 

‘toilet humour’ exists in the US.  I’m not sure if it is known or referred to by this category.  

TOILET TOILET TOILET!

That felt good,  that felt NAUGHTY.  Teee heeee…