:: The Wendy House ::

The Reading Chronical reports that the astrology section could not be published due to unforseen circumstances.  The Reading chronical clearly has a very highly developed sense of humour,  excellent!

Autumn sounds like awesome when pronounced with an US accent.  Recently one US friend commented upon returning to the UK:

It’s good to be back.  It’s awesome

have you ever wondered where wheelchairs go to relax,  hang-out,  shoot the breeze? 

Me neither. 

Apparantly it’s in a wheelchair park where they can cosey up to each other without anyone batting and eyelid or a googly…

As Poodle astutely noted there are a lot of ‘boob jobs’ at the seaside resorts in the Cyclades,  clearly echoing the popular church architecture.

On our 2nd day sailing motoring the skipper taught us how to tie bowlines, 

B-OH-lines not b-OW-lines 

Though the knot is used to secure the boat’s bow, and stern, to a mooring. 

Thats a knot, not a knot.

Real sailing experience #5: know your knots

they are just pretending,  and they have allotments too,  so they can’t be real beggars because they can grow their own food and stuff

The free Thames Valley Park bus service is outstanding.  It not only provides free wireless internet access,  it also provides signs to let you know where the internet access might be a bit buggy.

BT Support Engineer:  Mrs. House…

Wendy:  …my mother isn’t here

BT Support Engineer:  can I talk to her?

Wendy:  I don’t see why,  its my phone,  my home,  my internet connection and I’m 44,  why do you need to talk to my mother?

BT Support Engineer:  Ms. House?

Wendy:  Yes?

can lead to fatal misunderstandings if pronounced:

execute if manager

I’m just going to put you on hold while I reboot my computer,  it will be quicker

I fell off my chair with stomach rippling laughter.  Clearly I’d misinterpretted the true meaning of  ’hold’

Wendy:  “is it 7 or 8pm here?”  (in the UK implied)

Lady In Pub (LIP): “that’s alright,  don’t worry,  I forget too,  it could be either”

LIP bobbed down at the knees while she said this ducking her head then throwing a swathe of thick black hair away from her face.   As if this action might clear her mind.  It was almost like a curtsey and made me feel like a princess.

Her polite engaging way left me smiling.  I thanked her for the advice and wondered whether she meant:

 - either time is ok

 - she, like me,  doesn’t know which time it is

I adjusted my local-time phone settings to 7pm, hoping to spin-out the pleasant evening. 

If you asked an English publican,  in England,  what their ‘rotating tap’ was they would likely look at you quizzically as they explain that it is the thing in the toilets that you turn to get water for hand-washing after having completed the necessaries. In the UK tap is a common referent for a fawcett.  

A disconcerting reply to an unsuspecting US person who tries to avoid using vulgar terms like TOILET when the words Bathroom or restroom are more acceptable referents for a room with a toilet in it.  Draft beers are described as being ‘on tap’ so after the initial surpirse the move to understanding your actual meaning will not be hard. 

By contrast,  if you go into a NW US bar and ask what are their guest beers they give you a quizzical look and after some basic clarification they will tell you that what you actually mean is what is their rotating tap.  Doh!

a little bit of free association for the weekend because it’s free and that’s rather nice don’t you think?:

Jack¹ Kerouac:   Stream of consciousness writting

Jack² Manager: Stream of consciousness management

Jack Shite³:  Stream of nothing

Jack Off⁴:  Stream of…

1. not a recently registered British boy.
2. any resemblance to any manager that I have been or had, living or dead, is purely coincidental
3. Northern English slang for ‘nothing’ without a dictionary-style web-reference,  really that’s a bit poor.
4. Removing the instrument used to raise your car when replacing a tyre or more English slang.  A little bit of ambiguity for you there.  Lovelly.

I heard “what do you prefer,  the incest or the songs” (NPR weekend edition)

Phonological similarity: 

insects sounds like incest

the popularity of Bay 1 cannot be underestimated.  The bus was completely full.  A caucasian gentleman with silver hair was standing in the isle next to me.  Respectfully, I offered him my seat

silver haired gent:  “I hope I don’t look that incapable“

Apparantly you insult an senior gent when you offer him a seat.  Or rather I did.  I looked at the women on the other side of the isle from me,  an elderly lady,  then created a plausible fiction:

wendy: “you look very healthy,  I thought you were with this lady and would want to sit where you could talk to her“  

The gent didn’t acknowledge my creative fiction. 

silver haired gent:  “I must be looking pale today“

I looked at him,  his skin was transluscent by ethnicity more than by age,  he was truely pale-skinned.  I smiled embarrressedly and regretted having offered my seat,  I seemed to have offended him.  

Should I make a capability assessment before offering my seat in the US?

…from the British Isles, the term ‘Islander’ means ’me’, ‘us’.  It’s an understood, rarely articulated, thing when you are born and raised on a group of islands with other islanders that islander is the in-group.

In Seattle I heard people refer to Islanders and knowing they weren’t referring to me I implicitly assumed they were referring to their own version of ‘us’ - people from the nearby San Jaun Islands.  

Ooops

They were refering to what I’ve subsequently learned from Immigration forms is an ethnic category: Pacific Islanders.  Indigenous peoples of Pacific Islands, including, but limited to Hawaii, excluding the San Juan archipelago.  

In Seattle you don’t need to include the word Pacific when referring to Pacific Islanders because there is sufficient context for others to know this classification. This use of Islander as ‘you’ or ‘them’ is an understood, rarely articulated, thing when most locals are not born and raised on an Island.   By its very nature as an island, world-wide, Islander naturally describes the out-group. 

Islander most commonly means ’them’, not ‘us’. 

Niece (teenage):  “I HATE YOU”

Bros: “do you know how to say that in French?”

Niece: “Je tu déteste”

Bros: “shouldn’t that be Je vous déteste?”

Neice: “NO, you are tu and I hate you”

By this stage I’ve fallen off my chair giggling and started dribbling tea on my woolly jumper (It was cold in England).  During my 4 day stay I managed to avoid my niece’s wrath without ducking or walking into any nearby walls.

UK court verdict on US shooting of UK soldier:  unlawful,  avoidable killing.  A US plane twice fired on a convoy of UK troops whose vehicles were marked with the pre-agreed orange fabric. The BBC reports a transcript from the US plane crew:

“At the start of the attack, one pilot notices orange panels on the vehicles and asks whether there could be any friendly units in the area… …Pilots open fire but soon the error is realised and they are informed that friendly units were in the area“

There are lots of disturbing threads to the stories as published in the British press.  I hear them daily on radio, TV, internet and newspapers.  The most disturbing, unexplicit, storyline is that the US conduct their internal investigations to find themselves innocent.  For the USA it is reasonable that they ignore the standard NATO symbol for identifying NATO vehicles.  For the USA it is reasonable to make sure evidence is not made available to NATO allies by lying,  denying the existence of the cockpit tapes.  

The crux of the different verdicts are reported as based around a difference in the UK and the USA ‘rules for engagement’ without these rules of engagement explicitly being reported, a British soldier comments that:

“the incident would not have happened if American troops had as strict rules as the British on opening fire.” 

This is not a unique verdit,  where the US has been (ir)responsible for the death of UK soldiers.   The incident has an analogous dynamic to many USA’s engagements with other Nations and Nationals.  The USA look gun-happy in so many ways,  internal laws,  internal crime statistics, international diplomacy and even in its dealings with its allies. 

British people I meet wonder how I can stand to live in the USA,  they variously refer to the USA as an immature, ignorant, greedy, fat, dishonest, sick, bully. 

Ma’am!   (check-out person)

….oooops…. (Wendy)

I forgot to pick-up my cash-back when leaving the check-out. I don’t recall ever having being called ‘Ma’am’ before.  The uses I’m familair with have subtle intonational differences that get drowned in regional accents.  Familiar uses are:

1. mumsie talking to, and of,  her own mumzie,  a Northern English term. 
2. a way of addressing the Queen directly used in the film. 
3. an abrieviation of ‘Madam’ used for troublesome girls: “she was being a right little madam“;   people who run establishments that comodify the female physique; in the French sense a mature women beyond maidenhood.

I wonder whether the check-out person meant one, some or all of these?

Please use this taxonomy of typographical balls-ups with care.  Excel said it could break or get extended through use.  The taxonomy below is illustrated with sample sets of miss typed words collected from numerous emails sent by me last week,  genuine Wendy miss-types!:

1.   Wronk key:

• w (a)
• nest (next)

2.   Missd key:

• wre (were)
• viru (virus)
• could (couldn’t)

3.   Mixed words while writyping:

• quesries (questions-queries)

4.   Miss placed lettres

• Karam (karma) 
• waer (wear)

5.   Miss spelled (repeatedly)

• desert (dessert)

6.   Miss Teary:

• thatnou (thankyou)
• change (chance)

7.   Sounds like (phonological replacements)

• none! tee-hee, you weren’t expecting that now were you?  Neither was I!

8.   Doouble letter score (updated to add this category on 9th Dec 2006 after watching a presentation with the following typo’s)

• grrew (grew)
• quantiitatively (quantitatively)
• thee (the)

Using the spell-checker effectively and proof reading do not rank highly as core Wendy skills.  Lack of an example of a phonological replacements (e.g. replacing there with their) is an extremely unusual omission from this week’s emails.  Falling-over and making a good English style cuppa tea are, by contrast, core Wendy skills.

Question:  

“Wendy replies to all my emails and text messages.  She even sends some on her own intitiative that aren’t replies,  is she harassing me?”

Not intentionally,  I’m a bit typeractive.  Blog posts, emails & phone texting.  If you’re feeling harassed let me know and I’ll deliberately ignore your beautiful self for a pre-specified time

“digital poetry” is a phrase that is not,  I repeat NOT, refering to the use of your fingers in an emotionally stimulating manner.  Dr. Wendy says that, in 93.14159% of cases*, use of digital poetry will not make you go blind,  stain your bed linen, or embaress you if your mother walks in while you’re indulging.

* numbers created with the support of poetic pi(e) licence ©.

wendy: I think I *ucked it up a little bit on that one

I’m a bit animated and lively because

• I’m in the middle of being passionate about something.  
• I had wanted to do a perfect job and didn’t quite manage it.

I don’t normally swear. I noticed what I thought was a look of shock on my client’s face,  realised I’d sworn and emitted a little embarressed giggle.

Client:  it is soooooo good to hear you say that!

WHAT?   You mean my accent is so cute that hearing Anglo Saxon naughty words is a treat?  Client spontaneously hugs me. Wah! That just doesn’t happen at work.  She’s opened herself up to the possibility of a sexual harrasment lawsuit.  Hooray!  That was plucky.  I like a large dose of pluckiness with hugs all round.  She recognizes that I’m not sure why she is so pleased and explains

Client:  it is good to know you noticed it went wrong.

* f

overheard phrase:

’so I was manually trying to delete 3 binaries from the drive’

wendy-ist deconstruction:

• so = popular US phrase opener that appears be shorthand for ‘this is what happened next’ 
• manually = an unoffensive gender biased word that appears to mean not using any fancy tools.  rather than ‘men not using fancy tools’.
• delete = software technical jargon for ‘remove’
• binaries = things that can only have two states, like ‘true’ or ‘false’ rather then having a continuum of existence or any form or ambiguity. 
• drive = some computer part,  not something that you do in your car

phrase recast to wendy world:

‘this is what happened next i was not using any fancy tools to remove 3 things that can only have two states from some computer part.

born to waffle,  that’s me!

’so as to’ is a three-sets-of-two-letters-cute phrase carrying two redundant words.  “in order to” is less letter-construction-cute while containing two redundant words. 

examples:

• kate went barefoot in order to hide the possibility that her socks have escaped.
• Microsoft is committed to…. (blah-de-blah) …so as to make it easy to install non-Microsoft products (Microsoft press release).

In both examples only the word ‘to’ does any real work.   Or am I missing some subtle spin these words add to a message?  Maybe it makes the person who uses them sound clever.  What do you think?

So as to sound clever I will be using more words than usual and throwing in some new words for good measure.  In order to avoid getting poked in the eye today I will not be walking within forking distance of Turdface.

we blog = a pronouciation of web log that emphasizes the community (we) nature of blogging over the technology infrastructure (web)

US commenter’s fictional statement on a football match: 

“previously an umotivated not pretty deadleg would streak into the box and step on an airborne bench, that’s a no-no, giving the opposition a P.K.  History is against the bench“ 

The below commentary on American Broadcasting Company (ABC, US) Portugal vs England World Cup match commentator’s comments will help you translate the above fictional sentence.

go airborne. Another new euphamism!  ‘we’ve seen a lot of players go airborne in these 21 minutes with some nasty landings’  go airborne = jump? 

streaking. “Here’s Rooney streaking up the right side”  In the context of soccer the word streaking is normally reserved for the nude people who dash across the pitch. 

playing benches. “The benches might come into play“  Can you picture it.  Benches playing football.  He must mean the players sat on the benches.  The substitutes.  Why not say substitutes?

not pretty. “English soccer is not pretty but its effective“  Bollocks.  Joe Cole’s footwork is as cute as a freshly baked cherry pie.  That’s so cute it’s pretty.  England’s playing may be sloppy at times, for international level play.  These commentators crossed my offense-line when they called the English team’s playing ‘not pretty’ = UGLY.  I suspect US sensitivities make it more polite to say ‘not pretty’ than ‘ugly’. 

Dead legs. “There are a lot of dead-legs in that box“  ‘The box’ refers to a marked area on the pitch immediately surrounding the goal.  The ‘penalty box’ is generally considered the space from where goals can most easily be scored.  A foul commited by the defending team in the box gives the attacking side a penalty kick,  hence the name penalty box.  The commentators used the verbal shorthand “P K” to refer to penalty kicks.  I thought ‘Dead leg’ was a euphamism for someone useless.  I like to believe the commentator was suggesting these people were tired rather than useless.

stepped. “Wayne Rooney just steps on him,  the referee did a good thing he saw the step then he took him off“  actually Wayne Rooney kicked him in the bollocks.  “when Rooney stepped on him that was a big no-no”.   These Amercan’s and their ‘polite’ euphamisms.  ‘Stepped‘  “big no-no“,  Hahaha.  

motivating. The commentators suggested that England’s (ugly?) performance was attributable to Sven Goran Eriksson and the coaches style. ”I think the coach didn’t motivate the players” They suggested neither had adequate motivational discourses with the team.  I’m assuming they mean US style ‘motivational’ perhaps they think that Sven’s not sufficiently ’super excited’.   

distraught. “Beckham is in tears on the sideline” Taken off in the 53rd minute due to injury.  I cried at that point.  People do cry at football matches.  Audience and players,  after misfortune and GOALS. I find it hard to think of the England team as lacking motivation when there are such clear physical displays of emotion and determination.   Sadness is quickly and effectively conveyed by subtle positioning of facial musccles.  Camera shots of England player’s faces after they lost the kick-off were strikingly different from earlier in the game.

UK based England fans.  ”79% of people in the UK watched England Ecuador match that’s amazing that’s the difference between English and American Football“  I like it when commentators throw in some statistics.  I wonder how they could possibly know that - how was the information gathered?   79% is especially impressive because the UK includes Scotland,  Wales and Northern Ireland.  The commentator didn’t mention this.  British people appear to support which ever regional team is left playing. Scotland, Wales and Ireland teams have already been knocked out of the 2006 World Cup.  An even higher proportion of English people outside of the UK probably watched the match.  All my English friends in the US did.  The dedication of the fan base is only ONE difference between American and English football.  Not THE difference.   

England fans in Germany. The commentators rarely commented on the fans in the ground.  Exceptions included comments at the end of extra time like “Nobody in the stadium has sat down for an hour“.  The English fan’s vocal and musical presence was a very strong part of the whole experience right from the beginning of the match.  The commentators often had to ’shout’ to be heard over the background noise of the England fans.   The fans sang

• “God save our gracious Queen….”  (Chorus of the British National Anthem)  
• Eng-GER-land Eng-GER-land…
• “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO“ 
• “O-lay, Olay-Olay-Olay”
• clapping (and horns) :    clap-clap     clap-clap-clap     clap-clap-clap-CLAP    CLAP-CLAP

After England lost the game the relative quiet was striking.  The Portugeuse winning cheers were quieter than the England supporters’ encouraging chanting.

history. “History is against England” the commentators’ discourse implies that because England has never won a penalty kick-off in the World cup they are hampered in some way.  Huh?  Whether someone-else did or didn’t score a goal in a different competition will impact whether this player does or doesn’t score a goal?  That’s just silly, silly silly.  Scoring is completely attributable to the ability of the players (shooter and goalie) at the time they take the shot. 

“previously an umotivated not pretty deadleg would streak into the box and step on an airborne bench, that’s a no-no, giving the opposition a P.K.  History is against the bench“ 

translates, in Wendy-English, to

“previously, tired players have raced into the penalty box and kicked jumping substitutes in the bollocks, that’s a foul, giving the opposition a penalty kick and prompting disapproving ‘booo’s from the fans. It could happen again. 

born badly (Catalan.  An insult)

provided translation note: Very used when people gets hungry whith others

(this post was bought to you by Eyan,  our Barcelonian correspondent.  I suspect Eyan saw through the provided translation note….)

Wikipedia’s description of slip lists 16 diverse types including a woman’s undergarment,  a rail switch for trains,  excessive loads on structural engineering joints, and the slope used to launch a boat.  It doesn’t include the two ways I currently experience slipping:

• feet gliding on a low friction surface.  Ooops, Wendy falls over again,  I slipped!
• an agreed time for an specific action is moved to a later time. ‘Slipping a deadline’. 

When I ran University courses,  classes didn’t slip,  coursework deadlines didn’t slip,  courses didn’t slip,  semesters didn’t slip,  the academic year didn’t slip…  …slipping simply wasn’t a part of my work reality.   I did have this little slip:

US Bank uses UK spelling. Confused me.  I’m easily confused.

“Does it work?” asked a colleage.

Wendy:  Well,  yes it ‘works’,  but there are lots of little problems that if you don’t already know what to do means that you can’t actually use it.

colleague: (laughs) She’s so tactful.  It doesn’t work.

Wendy:  we know the little problems and we’re going to fix them so it works but you can’t use it,  you will be able to use it, if you know the problems,  and when they’re fixed you’ll be able to use it without knowing the problems

colleague:  it doesn’t work now,  it will work WHEN?

Wendy:  I’ll get back to you with an estimated date

Wendy waffles,  I always will.  It’s part of who I am. I like to think of it as ‘disambiguation’.  Mainly because ‘disambiguation is such a fabulous word. 

Say disambiguation 3 times every night before turning the lights out and you’ll get a feel for what I really mean.  Beer helps you get your tongue around it.  Doesn’t it always?