wendy house

Once the joy of the tinkling bells had worn off I looked towards the end of the isle. Mum and dad weren’t there

It wasn’t fair, they could walk fast or slow. Slow was the only speed I could walk. Slow or running.  They always walked fast, I had to run, whizzing passed so many fascinating things. I’d only taken a moment to listen to the bells while mum and dad wandered off.

I ran to the end of the isle, glancing both ways then looked down every isle. From a safe distance, I even checked the escalators. No mum, dad or brothers. I hadn’t got lost. I know where I am. They are lost.  Welling tears were barely held by remembering mums’ instructions

‘what to do when you are lost’

1. stay in the last place that you saw mum, dad, your brothers or school teacher
2. do not talk to strangers
3. talk to a policeman and they will help you find mum and dad

Standing by the silent bells, soggy red-faced, I wondered if mum and dad were also staying in the last place they saw me, not talking to strangers. People were watching me and talking to each other. A lady bent down and asked if I was alright. I tried so very hard to follow rule 2, not talking to this stranger. It tooks seconds for me to fail. Mucus spluttered

I’ve lost my mummy!

Why did everyone seem so calm? Why weren’t they crying too? My friends and I always cried together. Maybe these strangers were going to take me away to an orphanage and I’d never see mum and dad again. The lady leant forward to grab me.  I scrambled out of her reach towards the bells, crying louder in the hope that someone would join in.

Wearing her angry face, Mum appeared at the end of the isle to rescue me. When angry, she walks faster. I ran all the way home trying to slow mum by singing  I want to hold your hand.

scribble inspired by Nick’s recent musings on lost children

Today we listen to internationally* celebrated behaviour therapist Dr. Amelia Prank-Hirst present the key canons of her best selling clinical text book on effective  handling techniques for your pet human male – ‘he’s just a man’  

This lecture was performed for a small group of international psychiatrists and legal  specialists in the back garden of Doctor Prank-hirst’s  modest wooden wendy house  on the outskirts of  downtown Stockholm.   The meeting is more commonly known as the ‘Stockholm stand summit’ (SSS).

From this lecture we learn that men

• are irrational (hard to understand).   We are advised not to waste time trying to make sense of the complete gobbledegook that pet males are  prone to spew.
• have trouble standing up and require physical props.    Pet owners have tried many kinds of physical props but the most effective prop is the pet owner themselves.   I was particularly impressed by Dr. Prank-Hirst’s commitment to re-inforcing her hairstyle to add the versatility of extra height to her male-support function.
• should not be aquired  for christmas or any other gift-giving ceremony unless you are confident that the recipient has sufficiently strong back-bone and arm-muscles  to deal with the male’s unability to stand alone.   Several nations at the SSS are considering introducing a pet-ownership licence schemes to ensure owners  have  the strength to manage a pet  man.  
• need a nocturnal external heating system.   Several heating systems have been proposed.   Currently the wood-burning stove is recommended as an excellent souce of renewarble energy.   Possession of a heating system is likely to be a requirement for people taking-on pet males in the legislation being developed at the Stockholm summit.
• require love.   There has been some debate around the nature of love that is required by male pets,   with specialists proposing that food, alcohol, TV remote control constitues the necessary basics and the provision there-of could be described as ‘love’.

I’m sure we’ve all seen the results of these simple behavioural support guidelines not being followed by owners of males – gangs of men wandering the streets at night,   shivering,   falling over, hanging around in fast-food  joints and pubs.    

Tammy Wynette sang stand by your man

* In the style of Scarlet’s advertisement reviews.   Scarlet has  not condoned any of the views expressed in this post

Before metro-sexual, with the aide of Niel Innes,  people like me imagined urban spacemen.   I grew-up with a crush on Niel Innes.   He wears hats, plays the piano, and has eyebrowse that raise towards the centre of his brow.   Excellent.

Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band sang I’m The Urban Spaceman

The lines ‘hey you, you’re such a pedant, you’ve got as much brains as a dead ant, as much imagination as a caravan site…  …but I still love you’   have a touching brilliance that appealed to me as a child and are still poignantly pertinent

Niel Innes sang how sweet to be an idiot

I do love the sound of a banjo before bedtime.   This lullaby  is the first song that I remember singing.   During those good old days, sing-along-a-mumzie was a regular and highly valued feature of my daily life (1966).    The lullaby musical genre appears slightly  under-exploited by current popsters.

The Seekers sang Morningtown ride

Thanks to Scarlet for introducing ‘jukebox monday’ on her blog, an idea I am shamelessly apeing here in The Wendy House.