wendy house

A birdbath, not fit for purpose.  Purchased at Wyevale garden centres in November, showed cracks in December, fell apart in Januray, returned to Wyevale in February.

After patient waiting for, gently assertive haggling with, Wyevale staff.  They eventially raised their offer from nothing because I was returning it  ’outside the 28 day return period ‘ to a paltry refund of the current sale, half the original, price in vouchers.  I settled believing this pathetic show did less than Wyevale is required to do by law and very glad to get away from them.

Wyevale - not recommended for garden furniture.

Jumping onto a crowded rush hour Paddington train I slump into the one remaining isle seat.  Resting my brow against the seat infront. Breathing slowly, eyes shut, shut-out the crowded world.

Boy in window seat (BIWS):  are you alright?

Wendy:  yes, I’m alright, thankyou for asking, you have a kind heart

BIWS: bad day at work?

Wendy:  time of the month, normal pain, nothing to worry about I’ll just close my eyes and drift away

I surf the pain to some other consciousness, completely missing the train journey…. ….and almost missing my stop… 

At 16yrs, the first time the pain stole my consciousness was from a chemist queue. I clutched a packet of unpurchased pain killers.  My unconsciousnes chose to examine the shop floor.  A  kindly woman carried me to the local Health Centre.  I woke in her arms and gifted her the contents of my stomach. 

At the health centre I begged the Doctor for pain killers.  He said pain killers were not warranted because I’d just puke them up. That the pain was natural.  He prescribed lying on my back until I felt able to walk.  Then I should go home. 

With his words the pain merged perfectly with incredulity.  Not offered a glass of water to swill the bile from my mouth.  I could taste the incredulity.  Stung by the indifference of professional caring staff.  As soon as I could I slid from the trolley and stumbled out of the Health Centre.  To the chemist shop.  The kind lady who’d carried me had gone.  No-one knew her name.  No-one to thank. 

Thank you kind lady.

Since that day I’ve learned to accept, immerse, and surf the experience to unanticipated, inarticulable ways and places.  PMT and Cheese. Mmmmmmmm…

This pile of junk has wasted a lot of my time and money (user quote)

The Fab28 in not FAB (Wendy quote)

A recently published user review study gives preliminary indications that 1950’s style Smeg Fridge  (FAB28)* is aesthetically pleasing, expensive and functionally f******.  This Smeg fridge scored a severe health warning level of 26% on the Wendy International Standard for Experiences (WISE) because of its unreliable, expensive, breaking parts, poor support service and short life that left people fridgeless and with water damage to their homes.   The score scraped itw way up to the depths of 26% due to the branding, size and visual styling that influenced users’ original purchase decision.

Study summary:

An expert Wendy (me) collected and  reviewed reports from SMEG fridge owners then used the information to complete the WES ©™ questionnaire (below) by placing an X on the line in a position that best summarised the user experiences published on product review websites:

FAFFAUCEP score of 23/90 = 26%

Source product review websites:

• Individual reviews on unbeatable.co.uk suggest that the compressors break,  the seals don’t work,  the shelves smash, it turns itself on and off,  it leaks, replacement parts are outrageously expensive.
• Reviews at ‘the review centre’ are predominantly critical with a couple of pleased users.  The comments confirm expensive parts that are prone to breaking.  Buying a new door because the seals break, a frequently mentioned problem, costs more than replacing the fridge.
• Australian ‘product review’

Quotations:

• it is without doubt the worst purchase I have ever made
• I’ve had to replace the freezer door twice, and the plastic door compartments are also broken. Don’t buy it!
• Less than 3 years since I bought this Smeg Fab28 fridge, it is heading to the tip.
• thought it was cool (!) and looked nice but soon found out its a pile of crap that breaks regularly!
• The seals on the main fridge collapsed within 3 months
• I have to clean this fridge out more than we clean the car
• I have noise like small explosion coming from around the compressor area
• fridge has frozen up at the rear, and it then decided to defrost all over the kitchen floor!
• I have been plagued with problems such as the door seal going (you have to buy a whole new door at a cost of £300 plus labour to have this repaired!)
• This pile of junk has wasted a lot of my time and money
• One complete positive review

* this review only covers the Fab28,  it cannot be generalised to other Smeg models.

Do not read this film review if you are likely to find a one-sided, negative, critique of this popular cultural icon offensive.  For those interested in reading less offended, more detailed, analyses of the film this UK website provides some interesting analyses.

Sleepless in Seattle?  Puking in Puget (Sound)

Icky, Icky, ICKY.  It prompted a Wendy tantrum,  small inanimate objects flew,  cats hid.  Evidently this film was extremely popular.  This review is intended to redress the balance of the Wendy-perplexing popularist view. 

 :-(      

 Ratings Explained

I could write pages of analysis on this film.  For your readerly sake and sanity I’ll constrain myself to 3 points and assume that you are familiar with the film.  There are, unfortunately, too many more that I could make.

Key characters:

• Male = Tom Hanks = recently widowed father of one son, Architect
• Female = Meg Ryan = Magazine writer (? I can’t remember and none of the plot reviews I’ve read reference her job,  after all it can’t be important,  she’s only a woman),  engaged to a rich man

Three points of Analysis:

1. Role reversal would undermine the social acceptability of the plot.  If a man (rather than Meg Ryan) was investigating a widowed woman (rather than Tom Hanks),  while engaged to another woman, following them,  writing them letters, considering a stronger emotional attachment to the ’stalked’ woman than thier fiance, lying to their fiance, how would we value that man?  Is this movie saying that it is okay for women to stalk, lie and be unfaithful?  Is it acceptable for a woman to behaive like this?  Is it acceptable for a man to behaive like this?  I’d argue that irrespective of gender this behavior is unacceptable.  That the film places a woman in this role suggests that the film makers, and potentially viewers, can accept that a woman if deceptive,  unfaithful,  conniving etc.  I consider this a slander.  That it appears acceptable, through the popularity of the film, is more than disappointing.
2. Widowhood legitimises male singleness.  Why not divorce?  Divorce is more common than widowhood.  Widowhood gives the Tom Hanks character a ‘he’s a good guy’ status.  Divorce could potentially undermine this status because a substantial proportion of the audience would have first-hand expereince of divorce,  would know that mistakes were made, imperfection is implied, blame is hidden and not fully understood by outsiders.  Using widowhood was a strong strategic ploy to provide the Tom Hanks character with a good, clean history that we could trust,  it gains audience sympathy without raisng any questions of potentially realistic imperfections.  He is portrayed as unblemished.  Why wasn’t the female put in this ‘above and beyond question’ good person role?  I was disappointed that the Tom Hanks role was placed in a socially unquestionable position while the female role was not.
3. Humour at the expense of portrayed stereotypes of women.  One of the most offensive scenes involved Tom Hanks,  a male friend and his wife disucssing a so called  ”chick movie” (An affair to remember).  The woman describes the plot with emotion and empathy and difficult to understand dialog.  Her husband then explains that the non-understandable description is because the film was a ‘chick movie“.  They then parody her expressiveness while descibing what can only, pressumably,  be a ‘not-chick movie’,  ‘The Dirty Dozen’.  It is pressumably ok to classify films as ‘chick’ and ‘not-chick’ movies,  it is okay to demean this woman’s inarticulate expression as a ‘chick’ thing,  obviously you can’t expect articulate expression from women,  to top it all she laughs at their woman demeaning humour.  Pressumably because she’s a good sort who understands that to be a woman is to be inartiuclate, over emotional and the butt of Jokes.  What a terrific gal.  I nearly puked.  Some internet searches confirmed my suspicion that this film is considered a ‘chick-flick’ itself.  I guess I’m just not a ‘chick’,  I am very definitely a human being and a female,  just not part of this bizarre patriarchal consipiracy that appears to define women as ditsy, unreliable,  seekers of ‘true’ love, with bundles of humility when they are the targets of derrogatory humour.

After having forced myself to watch all of this film I had to consume 4 pots of Tea before I could let myself loose on an unsuspecting public…. …and even then there was some risk involved…

Ever wondered what Wendy review ratings really mean?  You need wonder no more.  Rating system explained:

Don’t touch this,  lest it be contagious or induce severe fits followed by sudden brain death

No.  It’s just wrong,  so wrong.  Turn around an walk away before anything valuable like sanity or toothbrush gets broken

Thow the phone down.   Icky, icky, icky,  could prompt a minor tantrum involving some small hand-held household item hitting the floor with a little more speed then naturally supplied by gravity  

Wince making.  What were they thinking?  Walk away now 

Why?  Even lashings of tea and biscuits couldn’t make this work 

Mining required.  Get your spade out,  if you are prepared to put the effort into digging for it you’ll find some virtue buried somewhere in this 

Darn good.  Like a pint of well kept real Ale from a cask in good company,  or a Sunday morning reading a broadsheet in bed with the fluff-balls snoring nearby  

Lovelly.  Simply world class talent.  Easily recommended and probably even remembered,  which given my scattiness is a major achievement   

Gorgeous.  Oh!  that was good for me.  Expect this review to include a bit of gushing because the work has genius potential   

Hero Worship.   Realised genius, lets do it again,  and again,  and again.  There’s a stong risk that Wendy’s planning a proposal.