Words of wisdom from an almost stranger*. A product designer gave me this little gem while discussing options for an upcoming Wendy House garden party:
Don’t be fooled into taking the shell off of your racing snails to make them more streamlined, all it does is make them more sluggish.
I am now planning to require that all the racing snails come with their own shells in place
Words of wisdom from an almost stranger*. A Redmond based software developer posted this fabulous advice on his facebook status:
Things to do in a noisy bar: create tiny finger puppet music videos for whatever the band’s playing. You can get more than you think out of two hands and “Wonderwall”.
I am now planning to collect finger puppets
Words of wisdom from an almost stranger*. a girl friend from Essex
To get a facelift without invasive surgery or spending a lot of money – grow your hair long enough to wear in a ponytail.
I am already following this advice
Words of wisdom from an almost stranger*. in this case a girl on the commuter train to London Paddington:
don’t wear Ecco shoes, they’ll make you look like a really boring old person
I would have followed this advice
except
Ooops! it’s toooooo late
I picked up these little green dudes in a sale, as preparation for my upcoming HOLIDAY in CAIRO. They have the phrase ‘pat pending’ on the sole. Just like the wacky races character. I love that! The garish green is pretty darn cool too, for a wrinkly, if this is what boring old people wear, then so be it.
Words of wisdom from an almost stranger*. In this case a marketing manager:
if you’ve recieved bad service, just mention that you are a marketing manager with friends in the press, your service will improve
I’ll definitely consider using a realistic variation on this tip, should the circumstances arise.
Words of wisdom from an almost stranger*. in this case a local Reading resident :
“don’t go there, its full of orange girls”
A little questioning established that ‘Orange girls’ wasn’t a reference to employees of a phone service company or a womens theatre group. Orange girls are girls that choose to use recognisably fake sun-tan. Evidently the fake tan looks rather orange. The use of fake tan is associated with lifestyle and values that are somewhat superficial.
Words of wisdom from an almost stranger*. in this case Flat Eric during an annual office party:
“Jagermeister chaser”
I didn’t follow this tip. I’m just not ‘Kewl’ enough to be able to imbibe strong alcohol frequently over a whole evening, night, morning… like the other dudes. I did manage my maximum binge-drink consumption of 3 pints of the ex-local brew stones bitter before taking this photograph, realising my total wobbliness, and sneaking away to crisp white cotton hotel sheets, much like those supplied by Jacksons to the Wendy House. Love those sheets. Clearly I haven’t got the English office party skill fully cracked. I did manage not to fall over, quite an achievement by personal standards.
Words of wisdom from an almost stranger*. in this case Windows Network Diagnostics:
When planning your party make sure you employ communicative DNS servers to hand-out the canopes and if your host is being a bit remote, just ping him a bit and he’ll deliver cuddles all round.
Words of wisdom from an almost stranger*. in this case one of my neighbours when I was returning my front door key after I’d locked myself out for the 4th time since moving in:
Don’t put a spare door key in your garden under a plant-pot. They’re always under plant pots… …ours is.
I am following this advice, and making regular trips round to my neighbours .
* past tips provided by Alan the hairdresser. Lucia the hairdresser, an anonymous manicurist, a Jackson’s sales assistant, a bus stop philanthropist, a mini salesman and Reading Police
Words of wisdom from an almost stranger*. In this case a Mini dealership sales person of a Canadian persuasion gave me this tip:
If you enjoy driving, and want a Diesel, I wouldn’t recommend the Mini One Diesel. The Mini Cooper Diesel is much more fun, its in a completely different class.
I didn’t accept this tip on face value, I test drove a Mini One Diesel. Not fun. I did enjoy driving the Mini Cooper Diesel, though I found all the superflous fancy stuff, such as internal lighting schemes more embarressing than stylish.
* past tips provided by Alan the hairdresser. Lucia the hairdresser, an anonymous manicurist, a Jackson’s sales assistant, a bus stop philanthropist and Reading Police
Words of wisdom from either a specialist* or in this case a very friendly person at a bus stop who asked me what bus I was waiting for and where I was going. I told her I was waiting for the X32 to Harwell innovation centre. Based on this brief information she gave me a couple of tips:
you’ll be wanting the 32 to Chiltern, not to Harwell, there aint no atomic place at Harwell.
Don’t get a taxi, it costs 20 quid. I’ll ask the taxi driver, you’ll see.
The friendly person had a seasonal all routes bus pass and rather than sit at the cold bus stop waiting for her own bus she decided to get on my bus to make sure that I got off at the right stop then catch her own bus home. It never ceases to impress me how caring and conscientious bus users are.
* past tips provided by Alan the hairdresser. Lucia the hairdresser, an anonymous manicurist, a Jackson’s sales assistant and Reading Police
Words of wisdom from a specialist*. This tip is about industrial strength white cotton bedding and is bought to you courtesy of the outstanding sales staff in Frere Jacksons Linens and haberdashery department:
Iron them while they are damp because its impossible to get the creases out once they’re dry.
I don’t plan to follow this tip because Ironing is a theoretical concept I’ve not yet fully grasped.
Words of wisdom from a specialist*. This tip is bought to you courtesy of Dr. Wendy myself:
The makers of squeeze out of a bottle marmite have sacrificed the original flavour for a reduction in the viscosity levels that can rip the surface off your toast.
I haven’t worked out if I want spreadability or original flavour, currently I’m using the original unspread in clumps on my toast.
* past tips provided by Alan the hairdresser. Lucia the hairdresser, an anonymous manicurist and Reading Police
Words of wisdom from a specialist. Past tips provided by Alan the hairdresser. Lucia the hairdresser, and an anonymous manicurist. This month Alan’s tip is bought to you courtesy of Reading Police:
If a car is parked on the public highway and blocking access to your property you can phone us and we will try and contact the owner directly. If we can’t contact them, we can remove the car for you.
In the event that the need arises I will certainly be following this useful advice.
Words of wisdom from a personal grooming specialist,
normally a hairdresser,
mainly Alan the outrageously expensive and handsome, former professional-brick-layer, young product-dispensing hairdresser, and
occassionally Lucia the scissor happy hairdresser.
This month Alan’s tip is bought to you courtesy of Lulu, a downtown Reading manicurist:
treat yourself, buy a TV for christmas
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome, former professional-brick-layer, young product-dispensing hairdresser are temporarily on hold while I investigate cheaper less product-pushing alternatives. This tip is bought to you courtesy of Lucia from the Philippines in her own local family business salon:
keep your hair short in the winter
Before I could consider the merits of this tip, Lucia had launched her scissors into the remnants of my mop which is now, indeed, short for the winter.
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome, former professional-brick-layer, young product-dispensing hairdresser:
you want asymmetrical
As usual, I’ll be taking Alan’s tip very seriously and following up on this gem of wisdom
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome, former professional-brick-layer, young product-dispensing hairdresser:
treat your mum to a night in the Mallard suite at the Malmaison, it has a ground floor patio, an en-suite train-set and wooden sinks which look like you can pick them up and walk away with them
As usual, I’ll be taking Alan’s tip very seriously and following up on this gem of wisdom
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome young product-dispensing, ex-pro-brick-layer, hairdresser:
Your job should be something you are passionate about
As usual, I’ll be taking Alan’s tip very seriously and following up on this gem of wisdom
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome young product-dispensing hairdresser:
If someone has been shouting at you for playing football near their house and generally been grumpy and verbally abusive whenever they see you, don’t get into their car when they follow you along the street and start insisting that you accept a lift from them while smiling and being uncharacteristically smarmy
As usual, I’ll be taking Alan’s tip very seriously and following up on this gem of wisdom
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome young product-dispensing hairdresser:
If you’re looking for a good winebar the best place in Reading is the Forbury Hotel restaurant bar
As usual, I’ll be taking Alan’s tip very seriously and following up on this gem of wisdom
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome young product-dispensing hairdresser:
“I picked up a newer model of my current phone, after one night’s use the pictures were terrible, all fuzzy. I took the phone back and they said they couldn’t exchange it because it was working probably properly*, I asked what should I do? and they said, Vodaphone support said, change to another service provider they even recommended one!”
He certainly knows a thing or thirty-two about almost everything.
*editted multiple times post-publication to remove the superfluous, random, and just darn wanton spelling mistakes
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome young product-dispensing hairdresser:
Have you tried Nirvana? you should, you deserve it
After all the cleaning, box unpacking and furniture moving excitement of this weekend Alan’s clearly a fellow who knows how to point a Wendy in the right direction.
Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome young product-dispensing hairdresser:
Legend, even with Will Smith in it, it’s just another zombie film
