Jan 03 2010

University education

They said:

46 yr, self-employed, parent:    where did you get that top?     
19 yr, university student, child: Primark   

They meant

parent: are you spending your scarce supply of money on clothes that you don’t need?  You have plenty of clothes.  You are so bad at managing your finances you really should not spend money on how you look.  When you started the course 2 months ago you had a full student loan and money from us for your rent and text books.  Now you have nothing in your bank account, are in debt to your new college friends and to top it all you don’t have any text books at all.  For heavens sake, you are not stupid, pull yourself together, get your priorities right and start studying.

child: Just leave me alone. I have enough to worry about without you being on my back aswell,  there’s nothing good in my life,  I’m crap at college, I’m fat, I can’t cook, I’m being bullied and just for a moment I felt good, in a new top that didn’t cost much but for a moment it made me feel special, worthwhile.  Then you have to go and spoil that fragile moment by telling me that I can’t manage my money well.  Thanks.  Even my parents make me feel like shit.


Nov 18 2009

read my face

Greek: I have to watch Wendy

Wendy: ? (quizzical expression)

Greek: Yes, that’s it, your face is so expressive.  My PhD supervisor was very British, his face never moved,  it was very difficult to talk with him.  I can look ay Wendy and know whether she has something to say

Facial storytelling,  its a skill!  I can interrupt a conversation without saying a word if the participants, like this Greek, know how to listen.


Nov 01 2009

ingenjör wendy

Norwegian man in Reading pub: there’s not many girls that know about assessing political risk

Wendy: I’m an ingenjör

Norwegian: what type of engineer?

Wendy: Social ingenjör

Norweigian: I find the English girls are very…..     errrrr….    how do you say ……’old fashioned’

Wendy:  Yeah, I find the English girls are very old fashioned too,  that’s why my Finnish dad wanted to marry an English girl.          But look at these boots!    I’m not an old fashioned girl. I’m an ingenjör with SENSIBLE footwear.  Functionally well engineered,  good experience, easthetically funky  footwear  I blame Dad.

Norweigian: I’m sorry?.    


Oct 31 2009

precision time memories

Bros 1957: Wendy, do you remember what we were doing at this time on September 11th 1979?

Wendy: Errr…..um…  …not really,  what were we doing Bros 1957?

Bros 1957:  Oh!  You don’t remember!

Bros can produce an ‘Oh’ packed with emotional messages.  It’s a family trait.  He was genuinely very suprised that I didn’t remember what we were doing at a specific time on a specific day nearly 10 years earlier

Wendy: Nope.  I can guess but it would be based on probablities that things I remeber happened at that time.  What were we doing then?

Bros 1957: We were having a family sauna at a ski resort in Inari, Finland 

Wendy:  I remember the Sauna.  How do you remember the exact date and time?

Bros 1957: because it was exactly 10,000* days ago (huge smile)

Helsinki's Sibelius monumentBros 1957 has a fantastic ability to remember time and events together, he’s published an eponymous moon-based calendar.

* dates have been changed because I can’t remember them

Aug 29 2009

I’m sorry for…

interrupting you,  BUT….

the interrupter took the conversation winding off into outer space until a silence when my the interesting,  passionate monologue came to its a gentle landing, end.

Beyond the words ‘I’m sorry’ my interrupter demonstrated no ’sorriness’.  Quite the contrary.  Perhaps ’sorry’ in this context actually means:

 ’please don’t get angry with me for taking conversation to a monologue,  to another topic, but I have a really interesting thought that I’m bursting to share and I’m sure everyonelse will find it as interesting as I do’

After the silence my interrupter turned to me acknowledging the end of the interruption and encouraging me to finish my original question.


Aug 27 2009

wasp shock

Person At Party In Garden (PAPIG): is [chap] coming to the party?

Wendy:  I don’t know,  I think he might be out of the country,  he was in Australia on Monday

PAPIG:  is he YOUR man?

Wendy: (calmly spills drink over wasp while gatheirng composure)…no, he’s not my man…

PAPIG: I thought that was strange…  …I mean,  your man being out of the country

Wendy: Oh (signifying a brain-stall prompted by the assumption that I possess a man that is averse to leaving the country)


Jun 27 2009

hypnotistless regression

After a few minutes silence a new conversation starts

male: I’ve got a new horn

female: Oh?

male: Yes,  it’s no longer ‘MOOOOOOO’  now it’s ’MOOOOOOEEEEW

female: that’s nice

male: do you want to see my horn?

Wendy: Teeeeheeeehheeeeheeee he wants to show you his horn

Returning to the UK has reinforced my ability to regress the age of 12 without the aid of a parachute or hypnotist. 

How cheap is that?  Bargain basement cheap! 


Jun 02 2009

the new ‘no TV’

Young Adult #1:  I have 3 friends that live together who don’t have a computer in their home, one is a librarian, one is a shoe-shop assistant and the other works for the council.   They don’t even have facebook accounts.

Young Adult #2 : No FACEBOOK?!

Young Adult #1: ’No computer’ is the new ‘no TV’


May 29 2009

a spade is a spade

friend:  that’s a pretty top

Wendy: it goes all the way down to my knees

friend:  lets call it a dress

Wendy: yes, lets


May 17 2009

Diesel

friend:  she’s very Diesel

wendy: Diesel?

friend:  see how her girlfriend looks like a girl?

wendy: yes

friend:  it’s clear who wears the trousers in that relationship


May 16 2009

her mit

purple pixie: why haven’t I met you before?  you know everyone I know here

wendy:   I don’t go out much                       just weddings and the odd quiz


Apr 04 2009

google earth at home

Sneak preview videow  (pixellated for privacy reasons by google earth*) that demonstrates weekend chit-cat about a recently observed pigeon at a House family household ….   …can you bear the excitement?

” photograph of Google earth camera in operation on Schrocktthehouse


Mar 26 2009

flippancy

why I love England #8:  flippancy

Liberal indulgance in flippancy.  Often there is no apparant effort to dress-up,  or dress-down, conversations to be anything other than a wee bit of mutual indulgence in minor entertainment.  No nonsense nonsense.  In my experience flippancy is more common, valued, in England than in the NW US

Mary:  Wendy?  that’s easy,  we don’t have any Wendy’s here.

Wendy:  Oh, (signifying surprise that I’ll be the first and only Wendy here) I’ll be your first Wendy!

Gill:  everyone is called Gill or Mary…  …I don’t know why….

Wendy:  Even the Simons and Geoffs?

Simon:  What?

Geoff:  Leave me out of this.


Mar 18 2009

living too close

The following conversations happened within a 5 min time frame:

person 1: would you like a lift home Wendy?

wendy: thanks for asking,  I just live around the corner, I’ll walk

person 2:  Wendy,  can I give you a lift home?

wendy: thanks,  its so lovelly out and I live so near that I’d like to walk

while walking home a convertible car with the top down and an Oakly sunglasses-wearing driver curb crawls by me

person 3: can I give you a lift anywhere wendy

wendy:  thanks for offering,  its such a lovely day and I only live round the corner so I’ll walk

There are clear signs that my social life would improve if I lived further away or accepted lifts for distances of less than 500 yards on a sunny day.


Mar 17 2009

Jackson and Byrne

person:  I’ve got a ticket to see Michael Jackson,  tickets are now selling on the Web for over £1000.

Wendy: Oh!  I’ve got a ticket to see David Byrne,  it was much cheaper and,  for me, will be a more fabulous experience than a Michael Jackson concert.

person:  Who’s he?

Wendy:  (gulp)

Your task, should you choose to accept it, is to convey the essence of who David Byrne is in less that 500 characters, without the aid of sound or graphics.


Feb 26 2009

surreality

why I love England #7: surreality

Man On Bus (MOB): It’s all foreign to you innit?!

Wendy:  Yur, t’is!

MOB: Just shut one eye and whistle (smiles and winks as he disembarks the bus)


Feb 07 2009

differently abled

Unenlightened person (UP):  As a favour, can you give my friend, the IT man, feedback on the website we’re developing?

Wendy: I can talk to him about what’s possible and provide something even if its just first impressions

UP: Oh* thank you he’ll be so pleased.

Wendy: no problem

UP: …especially since you are a woman…

Wendy: Oh**…   …why?  (demonstrating outstanding facial muscle, vocal tone and body posture control)

UP: He normally only gets feedback from men

Shall I tell the IT guy that the website lacks sufficient:

  • PINK
  • flowers in the design?
  • promises of chocolate in error messages?
  • links to bargain shoe-purchase websites?
  • links to sign-up for escort agency work (and I don’t mean the classic Ford car)?

HahahahHAhaHAHAHahahahaha (the sound of manic laughing fading into the distance)

 

 

Perhaps not.  I’ll stick with giving useful advice which, you will be shocked to discover,  has sod-all to do with my being biologically female.

 

 

 * Signifying surprise that I didn’t start negotiating a fee

 

** Signifying an fake-innocent lake of understanding of why advice for this website might be different based on gender over website design knowledge and skills


Feb 01 2009

do your eyelids sweat before you cry?

Wendy: do your eyelids sweat before you cry?

Wendy: Yes! they do, how did you know?

Wendy: I felt it

Wendy: bizarre


Jan 17 2009

take 5 mins

 

After a prolonged bout of worky-worky-worky

 

 

Wendy: would people like a restroom break?

Person-1: Did you ACTUALY say RESTROOM break? (Face expresses what looks like incredulity)

 

 

Wendy: errr….um….yes, I lived in the US for 8 years and it still hasn’t quite worn of…Person-2: you’ve lost a lot of your American accent …

I am still labouring under the potential misapprehension that I have never had an American accent. It’s clear that I picked up a lot of US words.  I like them, their meaning appears understood locally  if experienced as out of place with my reputedly cute accent. 

Unfortunately, even on the rare occasions that I say ‘You rock, that was super-awesome’  (UK meaning: ‘thank you that was jolly good’) I exude an air of trouble-with-sincerity to the locals that can induce both grimacing or giggling depending on the disposition of the listeners…

 

 


Jan 02 2009

saucy, troublesome, impertinent, pestilent, impudent canting, prating Penn

 

Prior to 1670 it was normal practice for Judges to put a jury in prison without food, water, heating or smokes if they returned a ‘not guilty’ verdict when the judge thought they had reached the wrong decision. 

 

Below is an excerpt from the court transcripts of the case that lead to a change in this practice, allowing juries to find the defendant innocent without fear of being punished by the judiciary.  Penn is the William Penn that later founded the US State of Pennsylvania:

 

 

Rec. Sir, will you plead to your indictment?

 

Penn. Shall I plead to an Indictment that hath no foundation in law? If it contain that law you say I have broken, why should you decline to produce that law, since it will be impossible for the jury to determine, or agree to bring in their verdict, who have not the law produced, by which they should measure the truth of this indictment, and the guilt, or contrary of my fact?

 

Rec. You are a saucy fellow, speak to the Indictment.

 

Penn. I say, it is my place to speak to matter of law; I am arraigned a prisoner; my liberty, which is next to life itself, is now concerned: you are many mouths and ears against me, and if I must not be allowed to make the best of my case, it is hard, I say again, unless you shew me, and the people, the law you ground your indictment upon, I shall take it for granted your proceedings are merely arbitrary.

 

Obser. At this time several upon the Bench urged hard upon the Prisoner to bear him down.

 

Rec. The question is, whether you are Guilty of this Indictment?

 

Penn. The question is not, whether I am Guilty of this Indictment, but whether this Indictment be legal. It is too general and imperfect an answer, to say it is the common-law, unless we knew both where and what it is. For where there is no law, there is no transgression; and that law which is not in being, is so far from being common, that it is no law at all.

 

Rec. You are an impertinent fellow, will you teach the court what law is? It is ‘Lex non scripta,’ that which many have studied 30 or 40 years to know, and would you have me to tell you in a moment?

 

Penn. Certainly, if the common law be so hard to be understood, it is far from being very common; but if the lord Coke in his Institutes be of any consideration, he tells us, That Common-Law is common right, and that Common Right is the Great Charter-Privileges: confirmed 9 Hen. 3, 29, 25 Edw. 1, 12 Ed. 3, 8 Coke Instit. 2 p, 56.

 

Rec. Sir, you are a troublesome fellow, and it is not for the honour of the court to suffer you to go on.

 

Penn. I have asked but one question, and you have not answered me ; though the rights and privileges of every Englishman be concerned in it.

 

Rec. If I should suffer you to ask questions till to-morrow morning, you would be never the wiser.

 

Penn. That is according as the answers are.

 

Rec. Sir, we must not stand to hear you talk all night.

 

Penn. I design no affront to the court, but to be heard in my just plea: and I must plainly tell you, that if you will deny me Oyer of that law, which you suggest I have broken, you do at once deny me an acknowledged right, and evidence to the whole world your resolution to sacrifice the privileges of Englishmen to your sinister and arbitrary designs.

 

Rec. Take him away. My lord, if you take not some course with this pestilent fellow, to stop his mouth, we shall not be able to do any thing to night.

 

Mayor. Take him away, take him away, turn him into the bale-dock.

 

Penn. These are but so many vain exclamations; is this justice or true judgment? Must I therefore be taken away because I plead for the fundamental laws of England? However, this I leave upon your consciences, who are of the jury (and my sole judges,) that if these ancient fundamental laws, which relate to liberty and property, (and are not limited to particular persuasions in. matters of religion) must not be indispensably maintained and observed, who can say he hath right to the coat upon his back? Certainly our liberties are openly to be invaded, our wives to be ravished, our children slaved, our families ruined, and our estates led away in triumph, by every sturdy beggar and malicious informer, as their trophies, but our (pretended) forfeits for conscience sake. The Lord of Heaven and Earth will be judge between us in this matter.

 

Rec. Be silent there.

 

Penn. I am not to be silent in a case wherein I am so much concerned, and not only myself, but many ten thousand families besides.

 

Obser. They having rudely haled him into the Bale-dock, William Mead they left in court, who spake as followeth.

 

Mead. You men of the jury, here I do now stand, to answer to an Indictment against me, which is a bundle of stuff, full of lies and falshoods; for therein I am accused that I met ‘vi & armis illicite & tumultuose:’ time was when I had freedom to use a carnal weapon, and then I thought I feared no man; but now I fear the living God, and dare not make use thereof nor hurt any man; nor do I know I demeaned myself as a tumultuous person: I say, I am a peaceable man, therefore it is a very proper question what William Penn demanded in this case, an oyer of the law, on which our Indictment is grounded.

 

Rec. I have made answer to that already.

 

Mead, turning his face to the jury, saith,You men of the jury, who are my judges, if the Recorder will not tell you what makes a riot, a rout, or an unlawful assembly, Coke, he that once they called the lord Coke, tells us what makes a riot, a rout and an unlawful assembly. A riot is when three or more, are met together to beat a man, or to enter forcibly into another man’s land, to cut down his grass, his wood or break down his pales.

 

Obser. Here the Recorder interrupted him, and said ‘I thank you, sir, that you will tell me what the law is,’ scornfully pulling off his hat.

 

Mead. Thou mayest put on thy hat, I have never a fee for thee now.

 

Brown. He talks at random, one while an independant, another while some other religion, and now a quaker, and next a papist.

 

Mead. ‘Turpe est doctori cum culpa redarguit ipsum.’

 

May. You deserve to have your tongue cut out.

 

Rec. If you discourse on this manner, I shall take occasion against you.

 

Mead. Thou didst promise me, I should have fair liberty to be heard? why may I not have the privilege of an Englishman? I am an Englishman, and you might be ashamed of this dealing.

 

Rec. I look upon you to be an enemy to the laws of England, which ought to be observed and kept, nor are you worthy of such privileges as others have.

 

Mead. The Lord is judge between me and thee in this matter.

 

Obser. Upon which they took him away into the Bale-dock, and the Recorder proceeded to give the Jury their charge, as followeth:

 

Recorder. You have heard what the Indictment is, It is for preaching to the people, and drawing a tumultuous company after them, and Mr. Penn was speaking; if they should not be disturbed, you see they will go on; there are three or four witnesses that have proved this, that he did preach there; that Mr. Mead did allow of it: after this you have heard by substantial witnesses what is said against them : now we are upon the matter of fact, which you are to keep to, and observe, as what hath been fully sworn at your peril.

 

Obser. The prisoners were put out of the court into the Bale-dock, and the charge given to the jury in their absence, at which W. Penn with a very raised voice, it being a considerable distance from the bench, spake.

 

Penn. I appeal to the jury who are my Judges, and this great assembly, whether the proceedings of the court are not most arbitrary, and void of all law, in offering to give the jury their charge in the absence of the prisoners ; I say it is directly opposite to, and destructive of the undoubted right of every English prisoner, as Coke, in the 2 Instit. 29. on the chap. of Magna Charta.

 

Obser. The Recorder being thus unexpectedly lashed for his extra judicial procedure, said with an enraged smile.

 

Rec. Why, ye are present, you do hear, do you not?

 

Penn. No thanks to the court, that commanded me into the Bale-dock; and you of the jury, take notice, that I have not been heard, neither can you legally depart the Court before I have been fully heard, having at last ten or twelve material points to offer, in order to invalidate their Indictment.

 

Rec. Pull that fellow down, pull him down.

 

Mead. Are these according to the rights and privileges of Englishmen, that we should not be heard, but turned into the Bale-dock, for making our defence, and the jury to have their charge given them in our absence? I say these are barbarous and unjust proceedings.

 

Rec. Take them away into the Hole: To hear them talk all night as they would, that I think doth not become the honour of the court and I think you (i. e. the jury) yourselves would be tired out, and not have patience to hear them.

 

Obser. The Jury were commanded up to agree upon their verdict, the prisoners remaining in the stinking hole. After an hour and a half’s time eight came down agreed, but four remained above; the court sent an officer for them, and they accordingly came down. The Bench used many unworthy threats to the four that dissented; and the Recorder, addressing himself to Bushel, said, ‘Sir, you are the cause of this disturbance, and manifestly shew yourself an abettor of faction; I shall set a mark upon you, Sir.’

 

J. Robinson. Mr. Bushel, I have known you near this 14 years; you have thrust yourself upon this jury, because you think there is some service for you: I tell you, you deserve to be indicted more than any man that hath been brought to the bar this day.

 

Bushel. No, sir John, there were threescore before me, and I would willingly have got off, but could not.

 

Bloodw. I said, when I saw Mr. Bushel, what I see is come to pass, for I knew he would never yield. Mr. Bushel, we know what you are.

 

May. Sirrah, you are an impudent fellow, I will put a mark upon you.

 

Obser. They used much menacing language, and behaved themselves very imperiously to the jury, as persons not more void of justice than sober education: After this barbarous usage, they sent them to consider of bringing in their verdict, and after some considerable time they returned to the Court. Silence was called for, and the jury called by their names,

 

Cler. Are you agreed upon your verdict?

 

Jury. Yes.

 

Cler. Who shall speak for you ?

 

Jury. Our Foreman.

 

Clerk. Look upon the prisoners at the bar; how say you? Is William Penn Guilty of the matter whereof he stands indicted in manner and form, or Not Guilty?

 

Foreman. Guilty of speaking in Grace-church street.

 

Court. Is that all ?

 

Foreman. That is all I have in commission.

 

Rec. You had as good say nothing.

 

May. Was it not an unlawful assembly? You mean he was speaking to a tumult of. people there?

 

Foreman. My Lord, This is all I had in commission.

 

Obser. Here some of the jury seemed to buckle to the questions of the Court: upon which, Bushel, Hammond, and some others, opposed themselves, and said, they allowed of no such word as an unlawful assembly in their Verdict; at which the Recorder, Mayor, Robinson and Bloodworth took great occasion to vilify them with most opprobrious language; and this verdict not serving their turns, the Recorder expressed himself thus:

 

Rec. The law of England will not allow you to part till you have given in your Verdict.

Jury. We have given in our Verdict, and we can give in no other.

 

Rec. Gentlemen, you have not given in your Verdict, and you had its good say nothing; therefore go and consider it once more, that we may make an end of this troublesome business.

 

Jury. We desire we may have pen, ink, and paper.

 

Obser. The Court adjourned for half an hour; which being expired, the Court returns, and the Jury not long after.

The Prisoners were brought to the bar, and the Jury’s names called over.

 

Clerk. Are you agreed of your Verdict?

 

Jury. Yes.

 

Clerk. Who shall speak for you?

 

Jury. Our Foreman.

 

Clerk. What say you? Look upon the prisoners: Is William Penn Guilty in manner and form, as he stands indicted, or Not Guilty?

 

Foreman. Here is our Verdict; holding forth a piece of paper to the clerk of the peace, which follows.

‘We the jurors, hereafter named, do find William Penn to be Guilty of speaking or preaching to an assembly, met together in Gracechurch-street, the 14th of August last, 1670, And that William Mead is Not Guilty of the said Indictment.’

 

Foreman Thomas Veer, Edward Bushel, John Hammond, Henry Henley, Charles Milson, Gregory Walklet, John Baily, William Lever, Henry Michel, John Bnghtman, James Damask, Wil. Plumsted.

 

Obser. This both Mayor and Recorder resented at so high a rate, that they exceeded the bounds of all reason and civility.

 

Mayor. What, will you be led by such a silly fellow as Bushel? an impudent canting fellow? I warrant you, you shall come no more upon juries in haste: You are a foreman indeed, addressing himself to the foreman, I thought you, had understood your place better.

 

Recorder. Gentlemen, you shall not be dismissed till we have a verdict that the court will accept; and you shall be locked up, without meat, drink, fire, and tobacco; you shall not think thus to abuse the court; we will have a verdict, by the help of God, or you shall starve for it.

 

Penn. My jury, who are my judges, ought not to be thus menaced; their verdict should be free, and not compelled; the bench ought to wait upon them, but not forestal them. I do desire that justice may be done me, and that the arbitrary resolves of the bench may not be made the measure of my jury’s verdict.

Recorder. Stop that prating fellow’s mouth, or put him out of the court.


Nov 28 2008

miniscule train robbery

while waiting for a train

wendy: a medium sized mocha please

cashier: £2.45

Wendy Hands over the cash and waits

barista:  medium Latte

Wendy:  is that for me?  I ordered a mocha,  are you making a mocha next?

barista: I don’t have an order for a mocha

man in queue behind me:  actually, you ordered a Latte

Wendy:  checks receipt,  it clearly states Mocha £2.45, shows receipt to man in the queue behind me to verify that I remembered correctly, checks cost of Latte (£2.35)

cashier:  she did order a mocha

train pulls into station

Wendy:  I’ll take the Latte, keep the tip 


Nov 23 2008

at Colleys supper rooms

The service,  food and experience as provided by the supper rooms was outstanding,  the customers sat near to me were not typical of the softly spoken guests at other nearby tables and I have to say they were perhaps a little below par for such a well tailored experience.

A selection of quotes from the most verbose fellow at the next table,  overheard inbetween the sombre aubergine ceiling, loud floral-print wallpaper, dizzying geometric pink diamond-design carpet,  and flamboyant floral chandeliers In Colleys supper rooms

the journey was crap… …Lynne can’t come because she has a hangover…

Tottenham have a brilliant mid-fielder from Barcelona…

tuck your nape in…

we don’t know what they are (to the waiter about the starter list)

You’ll be alright if you keep your mouth shut,  Lynne doesn’t think I’ll be able to keep my mouth shut…

I’d never go to Moscow again,  its crazy,  its not like Spain or Greece,  its crazy,  all the words are like squares the only things I understood was Macdonalds and even that was squares. (about a trip to watch a football match)

Maitre d' awaits Sunday Dinner guests


Nov 21 2008

All fresco’d out

Piccolomini libraryHIF: Did you enjoy your holiday in Italy?

Wendy:  yes

HIF: are you all fresco’d out?

Wendy:  yes

The Piccolomini library in Siena was outstanding, fabulous books, floor tiles, wall frescos, ceiling frescos, quiet ambience, excellent lighting and virtually no other visitors.


Nov 19 2008

just bear with me if you will

says the Very Nice Lady (VNL) from the highways and drainage specialists at Reading Borough Council freephone information.

VNL:  if I don’t have any joy I’ll get back to you in just one second

Wendy: thankyou

VNL: I didn’t have any joy

Wendy:Oh


Nov 18 2008

shared silence

captive silenced female mannequinLunching with an hearing impaired friend (HIF) who uses spoken words rarely, with good effect:

[silence]

HIF: you are the only person I know who talks less than I do

Wendy: is that good?

HIF: yes (laughs)

Wendy: (laughs)

[silence]


Nov 08 2008

oOoOh

chap:  I have to smoke in bed,  I wake up at 3am every morning regulalr as clockwork just to have a fag

wendy: oh (signifying:  failure to segue effectively into another topic)

chap:  I can’t give up,  I have a fowl temper if I do (his hand is shaking as he scrunches his face while taking a long deep draw from his hand-rolled, warped, filterless cigarette)

wendy: oh (recalls him slamming doors, stamping his feet and throwing things all with a fag balanced in his mouth)  I’ve locked myself out,  got to go and pick-up my spare key.

chap:  do you want a lift?

wendy: no, I’m alright (signifying: no way am I getting in a car with a chap demonstrating signs of emotional instability)

chap: where are you going?

wendy: not far, bye  (signifying: no way am I letting this chap know where I store my spare house key)


Oct 29 2008

guess what we’d like to sell you?

Shop assistant (Sa):  have you got a [name] card?

Wendy:  No,  what type of card is it?

Sa: Its like a Nectar card

Wendy:  I don’t know what a nectar card is,  what type of card is it?

Sa: its like a Tesco’s card

Wendy:  I don’t know what a Tesco’s card is

Sa: raises eyebrows…

Wendy: is it a customer loyalty card?

Sa: yes…


Oct 23 2008

oh

space blanketchap: it’s not easy being a poof over 40

Wendy:  oh!  (signifying: suprise at being informed of sexual orientation)

chap: my boyfriend’s an artist,  he’s built like a brick shithouse, 6 foot 5, paints the same pictures again and again,  never makes any money, I’m getting tired of it.

Wendy: Oh  (signifying: the height is suprising)

chap: last night he smashed a chair on the bed right next to me

Wendy: OH  (signifying: violence is suprising and concerning)

chap:  he’s always been such a gentle giant before now, he says its my fault, but I don’t know what I’ve done

Wendy: oh (signifying: I am not qualified to help), I’m off to homebase to get some cheap loft insulation from the sale (signifying: BYE)


Oct 20 2008

London Street brasserie

customer:  what is blue cheese souflee?

French Waiter: …..


Oct 19 2008

chainsaw accident

overheard on a bus

….minor accident with a chainsaw…..   ….it was turned-off…   …he still has all his fingers…


Oct 13 2008

weight lifting

Homebase Till Operator (HTO):  would you like me to help you carry this to you car?

Wendy:  I don’t have a car, or a fitness club subscription

HTO:  …


next page »