wendy house

Just incase you thought eveything was running smoothly, here is internet failure of the day

Google Reader button text never arrived…

I waited ….  then wrecklessly pressed the unlabelled button…

It turned out to be the settings button. Google trying to hide its settings on the day it merged it’s privacy policies to share my use data across services?  Unlabelling a setting button on the day I want to change  settings

Spooky or cunning? You decide…

Just incase you thought eveything in the Cupboard was running smoothly, here is error of the day – the dialog text just never arrived, I waited about 5 minutes and the dialog eventually just disappeared of it’s own accord. It’s as-if the performance enhancement software just couldn’t be bothered to enhance performance….  ….a software equivalent of “whatever”

Irony

Just incase you thought eveything in the Cupboard was running smoothly, here is error of the day “Apple Software Update has stopped working”. This is how the story unfolded

Avoid using any Apple products or services because they:

• are rumoured to treat their employees, vendors, contractors etc rather poorly
• do not systematically promote and drive socially responsible behaviours – Bill gates rocks!
• target being a monopoly. For example they undermine multiple hadware manufacturers. By contrast, companies such as Microsoft promote partnerships with other companies that sell Hardware (e.g. Dell, HP, Nokia, HTC etc). This approach enables those companies to thrive rather than competing with them. This strategy cost’s Microsoft in terms of time - the liaison and planning required and the lack of control leading to lack of consistency that introduces more potential for ‘errors’

Captured by BBC evil alliance

Unfortunately, when I started wanting to use BBC’s iplayer the only way to view the programs that my Licence had helped fund was to use Apple’s quicktime. Furious that the BBC chose to align with a company’s product rather than an industry standard. Darn, effectively the BBC was saying download Apple’s quick time or eff off.

For a while I managed without the BBC iplayer and just fumed until the lure of quality drama on-demand got the better of me. I installed Quicktime and lost a little of my self-esteem in the process.

Pompositively indignant

When I buy or use Microsoft services, part of their profit goes to causes I support. Microsoft products may not be beautiful to look at and they may be error ridden but they genuinely show social values that I respect.  They can have my money and time before Apple anyday because of how they spend my commitment

Excellent

Just incase you thought eveything in the Cupboard was running smoothly, here is error of the day “Failure to display security and shutdown options”. This is how the story unfolded

Zap the unresponsive browser

I was getting impatient waiting for Firefox to decide to ‘respond’. Respond sounds like something a patient does to treatment. It’s probably an appropriate analogy for a wendy treating a computer. It feels like dealing with the dead when you’ve got an unresponsive program. I pressed CTRL+ALT+DELETE:

• Control the computer – kick Firefox
• find an Alternative way to do what I want to do
• Delete the unresponsive program which the ‘task manager’ seems to call a ‘task’, loosing the medical analogy and shifting to what looks like Taylorism

I just wanted to stop Firefox and use another browser, not a computer based task and workflow analysis.

Wait for the darkness

There is always a ‘black flash’ before Windows 7 shows me it’s fancy blue screen with a list of ‘security’ options. The black flash is similar to the one I get before it shows me a dialog asking me to give some program permission to do something like install updates. Blackness arrived, but it wasn’t a flash. Layered over the top of the blackness was and XP Classic (i.e. Win2K) style error message which accurately recognised that I had just pressed CTRL+ALT+DELETE.

Boggle my brain-cells

The error message gives me three suggested actions

• press ESC (Escape from what? the error message, Firefox, the computer, Reading town?)
• restart the cupboard using the power switch
• click the “OK” button

Hmmmmm. Which one should I try first? The

• First suggestion (press ESC)?
• Least dramatic suggestion (Click the OK button?)
• The well-known troubleshooting strategy of switch everything off then turn it on again – and go off to make myself a cup of tea and ponder the meaning of life?

Being of an impatient disposition, when it comes to computers, I clicked OK which removed the black screen and returned me to the computer desktop and unresponsive Firefox. But what now? Should I now press ESC? Pah, I want the task manager, so I tried CTRL+ALT+DELETE again, and “Hey Presto!”  this time I got the black flash followed by the Security and Shutdown options

I wonder whether the task manager is a security or a shutdown option? Certianly I use it to shut things down, so it’s probably a shutdown option….

The year started well as I rolled out of bed in my warm brushed cotton, red tartan, pyjamma set. Mumsy buys the best christmas pressies with her Marks and Spencers loyalty card. As the teapot brewed I lifted the cupboard‘s lid and logged in.

The warm, fluffy feeling started fading as Microsoft’s .NET framework announced an ‘unhandled exception‘ in MY ‘application‘.  My cheeky little application had the afrontary to so something without proper handling? Naughty!’

This verbose .NET Framework message appeared to offer me 2 choices in the first paragraph:

• ignore this error (continue button)
• force my application to close (quit button)

The second paragraph is written in jargon about turning on functions, configuring, clients, trace-logs and SDKs.  This is 2012, good practice for producing software error messages has been around for decades. Why is Microsoft still showing me outrageously poorly designed dialogs? Especially first thing in the morning of the new year.  pfft. I choose to ignore this message because it didn’t enable me to make an informed decision – which ‘application’ of mine is exceptional?

A few moments later I got a BIG clue about the exceptional  ‘application’. Mozilla:

• raised it’s hand with a message
• started its conversation with me by  apologising. Nice! This takes ownership for having caused the problem and sets the tone of the conversation with me as one of respect to me
• tells me firefox will try to fix the problem – doesn’t expect me to fix it
• politely asks for me to give them diagnostic information. Which I did

I really like the tone of voice, the attitude, of Mozilla when talking to me

As I poured my second mug of tea another potential culprit for the ‘application’ that Microsoft .NET framework found ‘exceptional’ raised it’s hand

The large, ugly, Sony Viao update dialog insisted that I update my netbook software then told me I had to reboot the cupboard.  It’s direct instructional approach feels rather rude. I follow the instructions because I’ve been trained by years of poor software to feel helpless and follow this type of condescending instruction

It’s like being in the 1990′s all over again

Do0-do Doo-do

███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE

Installation failed
Error 404: Season not found. The season you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later …

(copied from a friend’s Facebook status)

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• Scarlet Blue can be found at  http://scarls.wordpress.com/

I love it when my car talks sexy to me like this. Really Thomas is saying, phone those nice boys at the Mini Service centre, you know you want to. And he’s right, I do want to and I do call them. On the phone I slowly, precisely say to the service centre chappy

I’ve got a Diesel Particle Filter Malfunction, Yeah, really, I have

He giggles

Different software programs use language in different ways to do similar system-related activities. The tone of voice they use when talking to the person using the software can create different attitudes towards the software supplier. Below we see how the software program Mozilla starts talking to its user immediately after the program has crashed. It opens with an apology, it doesn’t brusquely announce and ‘error’ it talks directly to the users experience and deals directly with the emotional reaction of the user to the experience of a crash.

Well done Mozilla.

By contrast here we see Google, talking in its own internal language, showing that language to the user ‘Client Error’ what’s that when it’s at home apart from being a pain to me.

Poor show google.

I have a growing collection of different ‘error’ messages from different major software providers. That Mozilla’s opening apology is the only one approaching engaging, even personable is a sad inditement on the software industry. Major companies could define their tone of voice as something that speaks reassuringly to me as an sentient lay person.

I wish they would

How hot was it today?  

The thermometer says DANG HOT,   no number necessary.  

 The kitties look cool as pie, stetched out in the conservatory hot house rather than in the cool dark back room where I’m making my way through a chocolate eclair accompanied by a sleeve of Old Speckled Hen.

Which of this weeks ‘errors’ do you think should win my error of the week award,   and why?

1. Transient notification of a ‘USB Device Not Recognised’?
2. Network Diagnoistics ‘Windows tried a repair but a problem still exists’?
3. Or the classic old favourite from IE8 ‘Internet Explorer has stopped working’?

After the perpetually  irritating, poorly designed user interface,  web n walk software appeared to completely fail I removed it from Vista.  

The removal process involved webnwalk software telling me to reboot my computer.   As my computer re-started Vista Blue screened,   I scrambled for my camera but sadly missed the moment.   When Vista started it made sure that I knew about this unexpected shutdown.

Words of wisdom from  an almost stranger*.  in this case Windows Network Diagnostics:

When planning your party make sure you employ communicative DNS servers to hand-out the canopes and if your host is being a bit remote,   just ping him a bit and he’ll deliver cuddles all round.

*  past tips provided by Alan the hairdresser.   Lucia the hairdresser, an anonymous  manicurist, a Jackson’s sales assistant, a bus stop philanthropist, a mini salesman, a neighbour  and Reading Police

At least I get diversity from my regular doses of reactionary software,   it’s like the early 1970′s all over again, retro-chic software on a 3 day week working to rule.   Your guess is as good as mine over what rule it will work to.

At least Windows is acting as an arbitrator, looking for a solution on my behalf,   this is on top of the 169 problems it recently investigated on my behalf.

Dad:   you can make elecronics stop working just by walking into a room
Wendy:   I thought I was being paranoid
Dad: No.   Not Paranoid. You have a talent for disrupting electronics
Wendy: thanks dad,  its good to know I’m not paranoid
Neverland:.

Windows Vista provides problem reports and solutions. That  is helpful for people who want to try and fix something now, cheaply.   We don’t have to  pay for a service specialist or spend hours fiddling in the depths of the control panel.  This  is quite nice of them.   Or is it?

All Neverland’s 169 reported problems are atribbuted to Windows rather than other applications.   Should I be alarmed by Windows?  Or, iIs this because other programs don’t use the Windows  problem reporting system or is it because Windows has an infinitely  higher problem rate?

On planet wendy there are no problem reportsbecause the program causing the problem would receive the report, fix it then make me a cup of tea and compliment me on my choice of frock.

Microsoft Visual C + + Runtime Library (MVCRL) kindly burst this  little message onto Neverland which left me

SCARED:    an  exclamation mark,   a red circle with white cross and   the word ‘error’.   This looks serious.   Something is broken.

CONFUSED:  

• application?   do I need to rub lanolin on my computer?
• runtime?   do I need to run somewhere and time it?   what does this mean?   Why am I being told it?
• Did it get stuck in the stack overflow?
• Why tell me?

INSTRUCTED:   to contact IE7 and, or, MVCRL support teams for more information looks like I should  know more.

UNINFORMED: how do I contact them,   how do I find out how to contact them?

If the Microsoft IE7 team’s program (application?)  is going to make unusual requests to the Microsoft VCRL team’s program (application?) it should do it directly without hassling me to learn technical jargon and find out how to contact them then PAY for the pleasure of talking to them because they can’t be bothered to talk to each other before shipping software that produces errors and causes me emotional distress.

Pooooeeey

I was browsing along minding my own business, or rather minding the business of Schrockthehouse when suddenly,   without warning I was accosted by a stack overflow on line 1.

What is a girl to do?

I was totally unprepared for this outpouring of stack,   this flow from line 1.   Do I need help?     Do I need a new stack?   Do I need  a stack-removal operation from a highly qualified expensive surgeon?   Should I phone a stack-support line?   I was confused and frightened.

It’s alright because there was a button telling me it was OK.

Phew.

In some circumstances computer systems can deliberately stop people from making ‘Errors’.    This is an  example of a system preventing the people that use it from making ‘errors’ by trying to do rather useful things:    

Wendy:   can I move the car insurance start date back by one week?

Car Insurance Agent (CIA):   No

Wendy:   Oh (signifying complete suprise at this rude treatment of a potential non-customer)

CIA:   you will have to cancel the whole policy and then open a completely new one with a different start date

Wendy:   Computer system makes you do that?   It wont let you just change start dates?

CIA:   Yes

It took us 30 minutes to cancel,   then re-apply for the same car insurance with a different start date.   2 sets of documents are in the post.    

Wendy:   Are you from Hull?

CIA:   Leeds,   its quite near to Hull

Good weather in Leeds.

who me?

I’m a client of Google services,

I made an error in my request,   really?   ERROR?!

I do make mistakes.    The word ‘Error’ is not one that I use to describe my mistakes.   This message is agressively accusatory and not particulalrly helpful.   Google could easily adopt a more user centric tone of voice,  less personally offensive,  if gramatically flawed,  by saying something like:

”Ooops,   Google doesn’t understand what you just did.   Can you check  to see if you made a mistake please?‘

I suppose I should be glad that I didn’t have to abort, kill or delete anything though I have occassionaly been caught aborting a kettle,   deleting cat-poop, and killing my laundry.     Shit like that does happen, and not by mistake.

I had the pleasure of paying BT to listen to the Indesit  messages below  for  a full 20 minutes before dropping the receiver with a thunk that ended the call.   A thunk not dissimilar to that made by my washing machine before  it too resorted to silence….

…We are encountering an unusually high level of calls to our company, but are working to connect you shortly…

…thankyou for calling,   you call has been placed on hold and you will be attended to as soon as an operator becomes free…

…your call is important to us and we are attempting to connect you to the person or department you require…

…thankyou for your patience, we will connect you shortly…

…Our operators are aware that you are holding and wiull connect you as soon as possible…

…we apologise for the delay…

An email to Indesit support describing my problem resulted in them giving me this link to a list of their error codes.   Hmmmm….

For the luxury of John Lewis’s service I’m tempted to buy a new machine…

Feeling pleased with myself for first discovering how to create a useful survey in Microsoft Office Sharepoint 2003,   then created one,   I finally sent  a link  out to some colleagues asking for feedback on the survey content.  

Colleague:   Do you want feedback on all the typing, spelling,  grammar and spacing errors?

 The words ‘wind’ and ‘sails’, (or sales),  with a liberal dose of ‘removed’   colons; semi-colons, commas and apostrophes galloped around my mind as I wondered whether ‘discrete personal editorial coaches’ is a job description gaining momentum  in the  service industry  …

A new, imitiation, old phone arrived to replace the genuine 1930′s BT compliant phone that somehow disappeared during my relocation.   When plugged into my phone socket,   no dial tone,   it didn’t work.  The BT support operative was extremely helpful as she talked me through various in-house tests then finally succumbed to a request to send an engineer around.   The engineer was scheduled to arrive sometime between 8am and 1pm.   at 12.58 I recieved a phonecall from him to say he was only streets away.   He turned up and then disappeared again for 2hrs.  

Apparantly he’d tracked my problem to a green box outside Palmers park.  

He explained this was human error

its always human error

the technology works fine

people are stupid.  

Can you see  any problems in this reasoning?      

This is the first-post I’ve written using this pretty  template.   But the published bit looks different from the preview.   I’ve written to the template author for advice to see if she can help me make it look all pretty.

I suspect this ‘Error’ is the guilty culprit….   .do I want to run scripts?     Gosh,   that question probably doesn’t have a simple answer… …I’ll have a beer and contemplate researching it… …later

W style-challenged