Wendy: could you withness my signing this Mortgage information document?
Witness: Yes, “The Wendy House’, where is it?
Wendy: down by the [local landmark]
Witness: I used to live in ‘The Wendy house’ [Describes its layout and location in a recognisable way]
Wendy: What was living there like?
Witness: Well, the boiler broke so I have lots of memories of a cold dark unpleasant time, I’m sure its not like that now. My partner kept getting confused about the orientation of the house and would walk into the wardrobe when he meant to leave the room to go downstairs. [mentions some house characteristics that aren't like the Wendy House]
Wendy: [highlights this difference and mentions the street name]
Witness: The Wendy House we lived in was on [name] street
More than one Wendy House in the district how cosey is that!
At Reading central post office parcel pick-up office the staff have improvised a helpful variety of signs to ensure parcel picker-uppers understand what is expected of them. I skim-read all of the signs looking for the words ‘camera’ and ‘photograph’. None of them said ‘no photography’. Phew. After rummaging for a good five minutes in all my pockets just because that is the sort of thing I like to do in public places, I took this photograph.
The young lad you can see in the royal-mail red uniform t-shirt stopped looking at his computer and came up to the counter when he saw me pull the camera out. In all the excitement I had not actually looked at what the signs did tell me. He asked me for my identification. I did not have my identification ready, with perhaps the exception of my fingerprints which are always available. He sighed heavily as I searched through my pockets to pull out my shiny new pink, yes PINK, UK drivers license. These are the signs that I later read:
- do not use your mobile phone while waiting to be served. Thankyou.
- please have your identificiation ready.
- do not use your mobile phone while waiting to be served. Thankyou.
- please have your identification ready.
- no smoking.
- please have your identification ready.
Three signs with the same message, the message that I didn’t read. I guess a lot of people don’t read this message and the staff possibly hope that putting up another sign will solve the problem of everyone waiting while the person at the front of the line searches for their ID. Like I did.
Incase there is any confusion amongst my regular and irregualr readers I’d like to clarify that apart from picking-up the occassional parcel I’m still single.
my new passport arrived. Secure mail services let me use an old passport as proof of ID to sign for the new passport.
Wendy: OoooOOOoooo THANKYOU!
Secure Mail Service: that sounded like genuine excitement
Wendy: its a long story, OH, its a 10 year real-adult-responsible persons passport! (jumping up and down and slapping the passport againt my hand in a clapping-like manoeuvre)
I’m a real proper UK person now, who can come back to the UK if I leave, until I loose it again…
I’ve been 2 months back in the UK, living, working, trying to buy a new Wendy House with a view to permanently drinking my tea and beer here. I wrote to the US immigration lawyers explaining this and requesting they stop my greencard application. Immigration services have decided to ignore my requests, instead, they have announced that I am a permanent resident.
The words bolt, stable door and horse all come to mind.
When I completed my credit card details on the form required to pay for my passport renewal I made an 8 look like a 9 so they had to send me a letter and delay processing. Oooops. Must relearn how to write, and put subject lines in emails, both these skills have been somewhat more lacking that the normal mere absence of spelling and grammar ability.
My Geordie friend called IPS a second time to make sure they were fully appraised of quite how insulting it was to be deemed inelligible to verify my passport photo because she had opted to stay at home to bring up her young children. She spoke to a different person who told her she is eligible to sign my passport photograph.
Do you think they’ll replace my passport?… …its been gone for 2 weeks…. …will they send me a 1 year scatty person passport or the full 10 year reliable-person version?
The DVLA returned my Birth certificate promptly, Hooray! In an envelope on its own. No letter. No note indicating whether my friend of 21yrs, the one who’s picture verification skills were not acceptable to the IPS, provided acceptable picture verification skills. What are the odds on this renewal progressing smoothly?
The solicitor who will be handling the purchase of the next Wendy House wrote to say that they will accept a Birth certificate instead of my passport given all the other (US) ID I’d provided. Hoorah! No sooner has my birth certificate been returned than it is off out of my hands again….
What will come back next?
A professional person that has known me for at least 2 years had to sign my passport photograph to verify it was a true likeness. A Geordie friend of 21yrs that I met at Loughborough University did the honours. She’s currently a full time mum. It didn’t occur to me, silly me, that full time mum’s don’t count as professionals worthy of verifying identity. Even if they have British passports, clean driving licences, no criminal records, like my friend. IPS rejected her. She’s mightily insulted, that’s insulted that takes about 90 mins to fully detail . I’ll have to track down a friend that’s currently employed, even retired professionals don’t count because obviously they get unreliable and dishonest once they retire….
My out of date, useless, passport is on its way to be renewed in the UK with a covering letter and supporting documentation explaining the scatty circumstances that lead to the requirement that it be renewed in the US while I’m resident in the US and the exceptional travel circumstances that made this virtually impossible.
My ancient UK drivers licence was sent to be renewed to comply with legal requirements that it show your current address. I don’t have the new-fangled UK photo-driving licence. The DVLA didn’t renew it, rather they are holding it hostage until I’ve applied for a photo-licence. I needed proof of ID to apply for the photo-licence, original documents only. Luckily my birth certificate counts as proof of ID. Birth certificate, driving licence and passport all in the mail at the same time. Risky? Asking for trouble? I’m so reckless, living life on the edge.
To buy a new Wendy House I need a solicitor. During previous UK Wendy home purchases the solicitors were happy to get cash for their services. Now they need, yes, acceptable ID. All my acceptable ID is being renewed.
Fingerprint not available says the text on my employment authorisation card.
I wonder why the department of homeland security is keeping my regularly supplied fingerprints secret from their card-printing department.
Situational irony.
The Tukwilla department of homeland security finger-printing process has improved since January 05:
- a flat rate fee for parking. You no longer have to pay more when they make you wait longer. You have to pay on entry. They are more certain of getting money for their service.
Wendy: Like your flat rate fees!
Black US car park attendant: Lovely Jubberly!
Wendy: (Laughter, strange to hear a London phrase made popular in the UK cult classic comedy ‘only fools and horses’ from a US blue-collar worker)
- Ticket numbers and seating instead of stand-up line for 4 hours. Albeit three tickets and three lines, one after the other, for unclear reasons.
- Only 3 hours, not 4, from entering the building to leaving with about 15 minutes actually being finger-printed.
- usability software updates to the fingerprint capture software. Now the operator can
- capture the fingerprints with a ‘foot-pedal’, this enables them to use both hands to make sure your finger is in the right place.
- get immediate feedback on whether the captured finger-print passes the quality bar.
W proved-finger-prints-are-the-same-as-last-2-visits
