scribbles tagged ‘internet dating’

creepy across years and continents

Sunday, August 18th, 2013 | tags: , , ,  |

While looking for a partner using internet dating in 2005, I tried out a couple of American guys who weren’t my normal type.  Try something a little different from my normal tastes. It might work.

So he’s not well read, he drives a BMW convertible and lacks any form or recognisable dress style. My reasoning went something like – he could still be a good person and I just can’t see it because of my prejudices. It’s possible. This kind of reasoning lead to a relationship that lasted a couple of weeks with a guy I found a bit weird. Weird is interesting. Weird is also very definitively not normal.

SR101 Tsunami Escape Route SignIt was a difficult relationship to get out of. I had to ask him to stop calling, emailing and contacting me. I told him in very clear, short sentences, that I didn’t want to see him or hear from him again. For a few months he respected the technical content of my request. He did get his 12 year old son to send me emails asking to meet-up with me.  How’s that for creatively bending the rules on my request?! He’d heard the words and aligned with them but not complied with the ethos of the actual message. I politely replied to his son, redirect him to his school friends and other appropriate adults. The emails stopped coming.

As the years rolled by he would occasionally forget that I’d asked him not to contact me. He sent emails which I ignored.

Now, 7 years later he’s asked to be my contact on LinkedIn, again. He leaves about 2 years between LinkedIn contact requests. He’s profoundly creepy and holds a senior position in a reputable company. I wonder how many other women endure his unwanted attention.

Some people can’t let go.

I’m glad I live on a different continent from this creep. I hope he reads this blog post.


creepy across years and continents
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not parallel processing potential partners

Wednesday, January 24th, 2007 | tags: , ,  |

twenty-seventh post in  a computer analgesic Wednesday series  of “why wendy’s single“.    

Reason # 27: not parallel processing potential partners

Recent discussions with local boys and gals and last year’s indepth insomniacal analysis of an internet dating service suggests that the  predominant  local approach to securing  mutually enjoyable naughtiness involves parallel processing.   I don’t think that I am either sufficiently inspired or skilled to  use this approach.

not parallel processing potential partners
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wanted: mom replacement

Saturday, May 13th, 2006 | tags: , ,  |

5 ‘winks’ were waiting in my inbox, from the online dating service  tonight.     About 500% my normal daily dosage of ‘winks’.    Has the impending US Mom’s day prompted the feeling of a need to find a mommy replacement?  

Synopsis of their dating profiles:

  • jb3318: 52yrs. Lives in Washington State. Lenghty profile fits my sterotype of an elderly retired ‘gentleman’.
  • badknee: 46yrs. Lives in Washington State.   Opening sentence is “well this is the hard part” the rest is evidence of quite how hard he found it.
  • rik777rio: 48yrs. Lives in Montana. Describes himself as a ‘real man’.   Lenghty profile.   No evidence of humour.
  • Greatlover424: 43. Lives in Indiana.   4 sentence profile.   Every sentence starts with a lower-case “i”
  • Farel931: 45yrs. Lives in New York,   start’s with the ever popular opener “It’s hard to describe oneself…”  , then demonstrates how hard it was.

I need to update my profile to reduce unsuitable and increase suitable approaches.   What would you suggest I include and exclude from it?

wanted: mom replacement
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No 2nd date

Tuesday, January 31st, 2006 | tags: ,  |

Apparantly my scary boobs were just tooooo much for the youngster.   They seem to have totally undermined his ability to dial or text my phone numbers when I’m likely to answer,    reply-send an  email to me then prompted him to re-post his online dating profile and actively use it.  

Who would have guessed?   According to Jennifer throwing my panties at him would have produced better results than pointing the booby-dudes at him.

Never under-estimate the power of the booby-dudes,   insulated or not,   they can have far-reaching effects.  

Affectionately known by the brave, and Amadeus,  as

Bill and Ben

No 2nd date
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‘Date’ arranged

Saturday, January 21st, 2006 | tags: ,  |

What’s good about this lad?    

  • alive.
  • youngster (35yrs – I’m ageist,   prefer ‘healthy’ lads)  
  • can get his hands on  fire-engines (big, red, warm and shiney,   YUMMY!)
  • paramedic skills (useful for when I fall over).  
  • Loves his mum and spontaneously offered to lend her to me.
  • is cheeky and potentially subversive.
  • when warned about my English ‘yellow wonky’ toothipegs he told me  his dog’s yellow teeth  hadn’t stopped them bonding.   Incidentally,   he has the shiniest white teeth I’ve ever seen.   This is a difficult achievement in teeth-bleaching US.  
  • suggested we go to a Kareoke bar hosted by an MC that is proudly living in the 1980s.
  • asks me questions,   listens to what I say and then asks more,   pertinent  questions (i.e.  not  arrogant, not self-obsessed).
  • can use a cell-phone and email despite mysterious happenings.
  • removed his internet dating profile after we’d mailed and chatted.
  • No kitty-allergies.

What’s less good about this lad?:  

  • 45mins drive between us (no direct bus service).  
  • limited  meeting opportunites because of respective work commitments.
  • slips into  espousing his life philosophy  in small monologues (I guess I can  catch 20 winks  when this happens).

 The less good stuff is all relatively trivial...


‘Date’ arranged
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Playing along at home – dating complexities

Sunday, November 6th, 2005 | tags: ,  |

Quick recap:

  • trouble getting photographs through internet dating service censors.
  • inbox explosion from unfiltered potential dates.
  • post-hoc rationale for writing to potential hotties serially rather than consecutively.
  • first phonecall from current hottie.
  • Splushy e-mails.

MSN Spaces categories could have helped me here,   but they didn’t.

Was the first date a success?

  • I wasn’t inolved in a major pile-up.   I took the bus to by-pass the challenge of driving Loo Sea (1995 Honda Civic).
  • I got off at the wrong bus-stop.   Luckily, hotty has a mobile phone and  knows how to use it.
  • Half way through the evening I felt deep empathy with Jackson Pollock canvases.
  • hottie is confirmed as party animal.   I didn’t get home until 3am.   Though it’s difficult to tell the exact time because all the clocks in my home are being creative about what they publish and I was nearly asleep.
  • I slipped on the side-walk.   Completion of this accidental fall-over maneuver avoided by hottie’s quick reactions.
  • second date arranged for after I’ve cleaned my canvas.


Playing along at home – dating complexities
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Girl-Scout on a trampoline

Saturday, October 29th, 2005 | tags: ,  |

My internet dating profile is more  bouncy than a girl-scout with a yoyo on a trampoline!
This is how it works:

  • I start emailing with a potential hottie, so I ‘hide’ my profile to focus attention on said hottie
  • Said hottie says they’ll write tonight,   I don’t receive an email,   my profile goes back up
  • Said hottie writes that he sent an email and demonstrates both irritation and cutie-ness
  • I reply and my profile gets hidden again
  • Add to that the previous relationship uncertainty:   dumped,   not dumped.   Relationship over. Which went with profile posting-removing

And you’ve got the full girl-scout with a yoyo on a trampoline picture*!

(*not literally a picture,   apologies to the people sent here by search engines  looking  for pictures of girl scouts on trampolines. This site might help.   It  has more ‘raunchy’ dating and a great video of the world YoYo champion 2005:

Why do I bother  bouncing the profile?   Why not leave the profile totally posted until I’m ‘in’ a relationship?   Good question,   you guys are on the ball.   Here’s a long explanation why.

To me it looks like there are two main potential strategies  for establishing the beginning of a fulfilling-have-fun-with-boy-man relationship using  the service I’ve subscribed to:

1)  Maximising statistical probability
If I keep email threads going with all  the hotties I can find I’m bound to have a hit with one of them.  This ignores that HOW we engage in relationships significantly impacts their quality.        The service charges on a time-based model (per month),   not per-person-contacted.   A capitalistic,    mechanistical, individualistic  science oriented value set would  suggest that maximising probablity is both a pragmatic and profitable approach to securing the start of a fulfilling relationship

2) Maximising mutual engagement 
If I know what I want and explore that within any exchange with one hottie I can work out whether this hottie really ‘works well’ with me.   Mutuality.   This ignores that ‘there are plenty more fish in the sea’, the abundance of choice… prevalent in wealthy societies like the US…   …even people can experience being treated as a replaceable commodity.


What do people do?

Based on personal experience I’m guessing that within this dating service  the majority of users are applying  a statistical approach.  ‘Daters’ can expect their  hotties to be  using a statistical approach,   keeping a profile visible until absolutely sure of a decision which had to be negotiated,   or ‘given’  as part of the relationship development process.   Nothing wrong with that.    Culturally ‘acceptable’.   Agreed.   Agreed?

What does Wendy do?

I’m opting for mutual engagement on a ‘serial’ basis.   Potentially more Expensive, time consuming and open to being misunderstood because its not the Norm.        Urgh.


Is fulfillment really a statistical concept?

I don’t think so!  

I believe that, unlike the statistical approach,  a mutual engagement approach affords the basis for  clear,   open,   honest communications.   For example,   if I was using a statistical approach would I discuss any single hottie  with the others that I was writting to?   This might reduce my chances of quickly establishing an intimate relationship with  them.    I  believe that omission of  pertinent,   known, chance-reducing,  information can be sufficiently misleading to be experienced as dishonest or at minimum unduely induce paranoia (promote the need for therapy?).

As an extreme fictional example,   Married man omits to tell his wife he’s having an affair.  He hasn’t lied.   She may get paranoid,   why is he working late so often?   I can’t keep questioning him  about where he is etc.   The key thing here is pertinent information,   stuff where knowledge is being withheld BECAUSE it will have an impact on a specific relationship.    I wonder how ‘open’ the dating service users feel able to be if they are employing a high numbers approach?

If the hottie using the statistical approach is honest and decides to provide this information the recipient is given a clear indicator that they are not (yet?) special.   As an egotist this is not a message I like to receive too often!   As someone who aspires to being a caring person this is not a message I want to feel obliged to give to people who have flatteringly shown an interest in me.   To illustrate,   here’s  a fictional, potential open honest conversation between two statistical approach users based on actual convesations I had with service users:

Left-hander:I am having some fun email threads with 5 people through this dating service at the moment,   what about you?

Right-hander:   Just the 20,   I normally have about 34 going,   I’m a fast thinker and typer

Left-hander: Oh,   how do I rate in the 20,   is it worth my considering this relationship as anything other than friendship?

Right hander:   Can’t tell at the moment,   well over half of the 20 will just drop-out over the next week,   and I’m only really sure I’m interested in 4.   The others are just entertainment value.   You’re one of the 4.   Lets start with friends and just see how it goes,   I dont want to rush into anything.  How do you feel about your 5 people?

Left hander: well,   foot-fetishist is fun but wont go out on hikes for fear of blisters.    Hand-fetishist is a bit too tactile but really tickles my sense of humour.   Obviously,  you’re gorgeous but I’m not confident we have potential because you dont seem  really interested in me,   the other two I haven’t met yet so its early days

Right hander:   sounds fun,   why all the fetishists? etc…

There is also a perceived time-based anxiety for all statistical approach users.   People can easily believe that if they don’t establish intimacy quickly then the other  person will easily find someone else,   particularly if they are attractive.   This creates a  perceived need to establish intimacy quickly  to  legitimately reduce competition by asking  for the new-partners profile to be removed.

From a finance perspective the mutual engagement method sets the expectation of not finding a right person ‘quickly’ together with longer subscription to the service (service profit).    I’ve actually had people write   asking me to reply quickly before their subscription runs-out.   These people were honest,  but hey babe,   I’m worth more than the subscription!

I suspect  that a statistical approach promotes ‘insecurity’,   lack of perceived self-value,   and lots of social interactional experiences that are highly negative (paranoia, deception).   Consequently,    it aligns with a profit principle through the supply of ongoing services (dating, counselling). For these reasons I believe using  a statistical approach  would be  a morally  irresponsible act from anyone who see’s this dating services affordances  as I see  them.

In maximising mutual engagement,   I can say honestly,   i’m only mailing with you.   The hottie can indepedently verify this by checking my profile availability (not there).   He can feel re-assured.   I can be fully open and comfortably convey  all relationship pertinent information.   Trust grows quickly.   This suits my conscience and  sense of self as a responsible society member.   It also promotes trust, comfort,  confidence and happiness.   It has the Wendy-pleasing by-product of scaring-off  people that might not feel easy with open, honest and fairly focussed Wendy-communications.   Hooray!

However,   I can still be paranoid because the person I’m mailing is likely to be using a statistical approach.   Their choice.    I can respect the logic that promotes this strategy and self-treat myself for any paranoid outbursts,   or blog them.

The challenge is how to maintian  mutual engagement approach  when the  social and business system heavily promotes a  statistical model?   Here’s my plan:

  • Errr…   …be stubborn based on principle
  • Suggest to the service  providers that they seriously consider revamping their charging model to  a  per ‘start-contact’ basis.   This would encourage a mutual-engagement model over a statistical model and could be constructed to be profitable using the specifics of the pricing model

W believes-that-individual-emotional-responsibility-makes-a-difference-everywhere

Girl-Scout on a trampoline
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Outsized ego

Thursday, October 27th, 2005 | tags: ,  |

I’ve had to hide my online dating service profile because I received too many emails to read and reply to in a week let-alone an evening. Though, it is difficult to take people from across the mountains (Florida?!!), or old enough to be my dad, seriously.

I can’t handle anymore without employing a part time assistant to filter them on my behalf. Instead, I’ve hidden my profile and will write polite replies to those who took the trouble to write. Yes, this time I whipped-out my credit card and paid a subscription for the privilege of being able to reply…..

W Ego-the-size-of-a-house-and-inbox-contents-to-match

Outsized ego
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Internet dating

Thursday, October 20th, 2005 | tags:  |

Across the 24hr period of ‘singleness’ I’d posted a ‘profile’ on an international dating service. I received emails from

  • 55yr very polite fellow. Looks and writes like he could be older than even my dad….
  • 51yr Seattle East-sider self-described ‘techy’ with big income, requires his girlfriend to have a PhD, wrote 2x making ‘overgenerous’ suggestions. No evidence of a sense of humour.
  • 48yr handsome artsy gentle natured buddist with silver hair and a painful, giving, low-paid job (technical support helpdesk).
  • 45yr Seattle local who recognised my boat, can cook, has firm abs, a witty email technique and humorous profile.
  • 44yr rotund, big income (self-reported) business man based in NY (?!).

2/5 almost matched my ‘requirements’ list. The Seattle guy with humour and the Buddist smelt of potential….

I didn’t pay to let them know of my unexpected lack of single-ness. Their messages go cruelly unanswered. This internet dating thing involves a lot of uncertainty and requires robustness.

Feel bad about not paying to reply.

3 other guys ‘winked’ (for free) at me. This seems like a good way of working-out whether writing will be well received…. ….I don’t feel bad about not returning the winks.

The service sent me links to 12 profiles that were ‘mutual matches’, they fit the explicit requirements I’m looking for and I fit the explicit requirements they are looking for. Judging by the 12 photographs, self-assessments of body-type vary dramatically. Either these people have lost a lot of weight, or seriously toned-up, since they posted their photographs!

Internet dating
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