wendy house

Owning a kilt is not all about a big song and dance. There are some sneaky little down sides to the experience which I suspect many a non-kilt wearer is wise to.

These are the reasons why I haven’t yet bought a woollen kilt, they:

• are rather itchy (but I could wear thick tights or an underskirt to deal with this)
• smell of damp wool when it’s raining (don’t wear it outside in the rain)
• need to be dry-cleaned occasionally (that’s not too expensive and inconvenient)

The main kilt use challenge that I hadn’t anticipated is based on using the kilt with modern sanitary technology – the toilet.

Stop reading now if you have an aversion to toilet talk.

With a normal skirt a girl can simply lift the rear of the skirt and hold it up while taking a seat on the toilet – so the skirt never touches the toilet. Clean and neat. Not so with a kilt. There is so much material in the pleats that no matter where you grab it, the sides fall right back down gain. Cool! But not cool when you want to sit on  the loo without dangling it down the pan.

A kilt works for a squatting position above the pan, or squatting when there is no pan – in the wild where it was originally used.  I’ve adjusted my posture when wearing the kilt in the washrooms over the pan so that I stay standing and flick the kilt op over my back while leaning forward – this lets the wealth of material lie across my back.  This position requires more directional skill during the process than sitting down, but works to keep the kilt clean and out of the way.

you have been warned

After several months of wearing a genuine kilt, purchased in Edinburgh (online), I’ve leaned about many of it’s more subtle virtues, it:

• water repellent:  flicks the rain off the surface layer as you walk – never soaks up water because of the movement designed in. Rather like the water coming off a dog when it shakes itself. This effect is stronger for pure wool kilts (which mine isn’t). It’s suitable for rainy climates.
• toasty!: is very warm because the pleats make it 3 folds of material thick at most point. Again, this effect if emphasised for a wool kilt. It’s more suitable for cold climates.
• curvy: demonstrates the comely turn of my calves – whatever it’s made from.
• adjustable sizes: the wrap-around style means the kilt can fit you as you put-on, or loose, weight. This gives the kilt longevity as a wardrobe item. Excellent! As I approach my 50′s I’m anticipating the onset of a little plumpness and the kilt will stay with me unlike other clothes that might need replacing.
• swing-tastic: with just a normal walk the back of the kilt swings in a playful way. With a flick of the hips it’s even more fun, and spinning around? Well! It’s a must-do activity in a kilt.

Friends have commented that very few people can ‘pull-off’ wearing a kilt, but I am one of them. I can pull it off while keeping it on. I think everyone should have a kilt, it should be a standard part of everyone’s wardrobe because it is quite simply -

EXCELLENT

Walking along a crowded platform on Paddington station, suddenly an arm wrapped around a shoulder and a Scottish accent welcomed me. My friend had seen my Royal Stewart tartan through the crowds and recognised my gait. How lovely that the kilt could help bring us together in this otherwise unfriendly milieu.

Later, standing on a tube train, a stranger smiled at me and invited me to take an empty seat they had rights to by proximity. This has never happened before during my London commutes. Later again, a young man invited me to pass in front of him to leave the train rather than taking my natural place in the rambling crush.

I love all 9 yards of my kilt, it helps people see me.

It inspires kindness from strangers.

It’s magic.

I wasn’t the only person in a kilt at the wedding. This father and son couple were wearing their official kilts. The father, a military instructor at Sandhurst, said of his son:

He hasn’t fully got the hang of it yet, he wouldn’t be able to step over a barbedwire fence and I have to make him wear underwear

Later, the boy’s kilt was on back to front – it must have worked it’s way around – but he didn’t notice. Very cute.

You can just see the ‘sgian dhub‘, Gaelic for “black knife,”  an ornamental sock knife poking out of the top of the fathers sock. It’s a polite gesture to your host to put it in the sock where it can be seen – rather than hidden to enable a suprise attack

He told a delightful story of how the bagpipe’s were banned as an ‘instrument of war’ because they instilled fear in the opposition. Alas, I could find no evidence to support this claim online. This is what wikipedia says:

King George II attempted to assimilate the Highlands into Great Britain by weakening Gaelic culture and the Scottish clan system,though claims that the Act of Proscription 1746 banned the Highland bagpipes are not substantiated by the text itself. It was soon realised that Highlanders made excellent troops and a number of regiments were raised from the Highlands over the second half of the eighteenth century.

On the way to the wedding I took a rest break in the cute town of ‘Frome’ pronounced Froooooooom sounds like vroooooom

As I walked down the aptly named ‘Stoney Street’ a lady wearing a pink tailored jacket, a flared skirt and 2 inch heal court shoes looked at my kilt, covered her mouth with her hand,  smiled then turned her face away from me. I suspect that was a full laugh out loud

Bringing such a smile to people’s faces felt good, I raised my shoulders and accentuated the swing of my hips to highlight the swing of the kilt

In every small street shop that I went into someone remarked on my kilt, with a big smile on their face. Mostly they said really nice things

When clothes that I like bring a smile to other peoples face and encourage them to say nice things to me, I know I’m onto a winner

The kilt stays, it may even get a partner….

wendy: I’ve recently realised that I’m a cross-dresser

Spottydog: (laughs) are you serious? I’ve known that for ages!

wendy: well obviously I suspected, what with all the trousers and buying mens jumpers.  But I bought the jumpers because they’re virtually the same as the womens jumpers except they’re cheaper.  I thought I was just buying cheaper versions of girls clothes. But I’m not sure anymore. I think I might be a transvestite. Is a transvestite the same thing as a cross dresser?

Spottydog: does it matter?

wendy: well, I’d like to know what to say to people when I come out of the closet

Spottydog: you’re not in the closet

wendy: oh yeah…  ….do you like my new cricket jumper?  It’s to go with my kilt…

Mumsie helped with my wedding outfit decisions. What goes with my fabulous new Royal Stewart tartan kilt:

• Sox or stockings? Stockings – Mumsie didn’t think it was good form to reveal my bare knees to strangers. I take after Dad in the knee department, he once won a nobbly-knees contest
• Red or Black stockings? Black stockings – Mumsie felt it would be ok to wear black to a wedding nowadays. The colour is no longer reserved for mourning.  Several wedding guests were dressed completely in black. Tiger, who was actually in mourning wore a black shirt. One guest wore a white lace dress, risking a clash with the Bride’s outfit
• Red or Black shoes? Red shoes – Celebratory flatties for lots of jigging on the post-vows disco dancefloor
• White or Black shirt? White shirt
  
• Leather or velvet jacket? Leather jacket
  
• Hat or no hat – No hat!!!!!!  No-one at the wedding wore a hat.  4 women were sporting fascinators at the ceremony, but no hats or tiarras. A trend that’s changed dramatically in my wedding-going career