wendy house

A paper printed sign in the groundfloor window of a small redbrick terraced house who’s door opens directly onto the street. The house has probably beeen reposessed, the people who lived there evicted. The notice probably fulfills a legal requirement. 

The notice says that there are things in the house that will be chucked out if their owners don’t pick them up within 7 days of the date on the notice.   It says this in a language that is no longer spoken by lay people in England – using words like chattels and herein. If I suspect that the people evicted from this house have a literacy level below average then the wording is difficult, if not impossible, to understand. Almost as if the ‘Agent’ doesn’t care whether the person who’s belonging are in the house understands that they need to promptly pick-up their stuff.

Sad.

Thomas’s turning was accompanied by a squeak. Not a mousy squeak but an evil squeal. It’s possible he may be unsafe to drive. We trundled off to the garage where I left him with the mechanics for diagnostic tests.

Both Gordon Ramsay and my niece are well known for the liberal use of anglo saxon swear words and tantrums. In an attempt to be safe and not gay I’ve made several excursions into emultating their trendy linguistic, emotive, style.  For example

wendy: when can I have my mini back?

mechanic: are you missing your mini? (wry smile)

wendy: Fuċk, am I?! (stamps foot)

The mechanic understood, but 

I went on to fuċking fail

to maintain a modern fuċking focus

on using one fuċking word

Fuċking fuċk. Fuċked (fuċk)

Meanwhile,  Thomas pootled out onto the garage forecourt with the stone that caused all the squeaking surgically removed from his disc brakes. Phew!

when writing blog posts I sometimes find it difficult to percieve where the sentence ends and the paragraph starts

the difference between a sentence and a paragraph

its a para normal experience

tramatic = the dramatic expression of a traumatic event.    

Examples of the word in use

• It was the tantrum in Sainsubury’s female hygiene isle that made the whole event tramatic
• Texas chainsaw massacre was a tramatic film

Please turn on the taps with care as the pressure is quite high

high pressure:   lots of complicated concepts in this message. Do children have a concept of ‘water pressure’ do they know what ‘high’ and ‘low’ water pressure are?   By contrast a message like “Water comes out of the tap fast” is much more descriptive of the experience of turning the tap.  

with care:   what does it mean to turn on a tap with care?   should I use a cloth incase the handle falls off?    Do they mean that the tap is greased up and turns really fast?   Because  I know what high water pressure can do from experience and from physics classes  I know that the best strategy is to ‘turn the tap slowly’.   Maybe they mean that if you turn the tap on using normal torque the water will spray all over you and the bathroom floor.   What fun!

To prompt the desired user behaviour the sign could become

Please turn the tap on slowly

With the possible explanation of the consequence.   Though addition of this is an invitation to people who like splasshing, YAY, to turn the tap fast for fun. Hoorah!   Can you guess what I did?

to stop water from splashing outside the sink

Before the Anti Social Behaviour Order (ASBO) their was nuisance.  

Along with murder, marriage and adultary (not necessarily in that order) people would commit nuisance.   They still do.  

.

drinker: how much is that?

publican: a nicker

drinker: how much is that?

publican: a nicker (giggles), a pound to you

Here in the UK we have roads who’s whole purpose is to provide relief,   relief Roads.  

The  pleasingly named Rose Kiln Lane is a Berkshire relief road.   Roads that provide relief.   A ver pleasing idea.  

Having a stressful day at work? Then visit Rose Kiln Lane to find relief.

Judging by this web camera picture very few people  have been using Rose Kiln Lane for relief    during this cold snap.   No yellow snow, cars, or people to be seen.  

The word ‘Coptic’ appears to refer to an Egyptian language spoken in Pharonic times  and currently written with the Greek alphabet

The language is now used in the Coptic church,   a christian church with it’s own Pope (not the  Catholic one).    The apostle Mark reputedly bought christianity to Egypt  in the first century AD when Egypt was governed by Rome, Emperor Nero

The Copts seceded from the other Christian churches in the 5th century  because they rejected the decision of the Council of Chalcedon (451)  that Christ had a dual nature, both human and divine, believing instead that he had a single, divine nature

Christianity is now the largest minority Religion in Egypt.   About 95% of Egyptians are Muslim.   The christains have a difficult relationship with the state, government and some Muslims

The external architecture of the christain churches was such that I found them difficult to spot.   The give-away sign was a cross,   normally on a dome

I visited the 7th century St. Mary’s hanging church in Coptic Ciaro.   Called the ‘hanging’ church because it  is built overhanging the Roman gatehouse of old Cairo.    This church was increadibly beautiful.   Painted walls with motif’s that often looked celtic, arabic writing, gold-leaf

Wall panels were delicately carved wood inlaid with ivory in regular geometric designs.   Often straight lines constructed to enable you to see circles and curves.    The colours created a warm celebratory atmosphere,   very different from the white-washed  walls of many Church of England churches.   This celebration in art appeals to me.

I was suprised to find the paintings of people (Mary, Jesus, Saints) depicted very pale-skinned people that looked like North Europeans,    an over-emphasis on pale skins given the likely colouring of the people portrayed.   They were at least portrayed with brown-eyes and dark hair

animadversions is not a creative pastiche  of

• animal
• advert
• versions

Animadversions is used by the Foriegn Office (FO)  to describe the contents of the last despatch (message) by the British Ambassador to Oslo in 1975, Ralph Selby.   For Ralph, being a diplomat was a family business, his father and wife’s grandfather were ambassadors.   The style of expression within the despatch is rather fun,   I particularly liked this phrase

‘I agree with the gentleman who’s signature resembles a trombone’

In honour of this outstanding phrase I am considering changing my signature to resemble a swan.

Ralph’s animadversions  included

• Newer diplomats did not put sufficient time and effort into studying languages
• Diplomats circulate way too much paper “the flood of paper which has grown in a single generation is fantastic”
• Diplomat’s wives are not paid for their valuable contributions – this disadvantages diplomats who’s wives choose to have a career.
• Domestic staff are exensive and time-demanding ‘I do not nowadays find it easy to recruit staff who are willing to lick other people’s boots’
• Retirement provisions are insufficient
• There is a temptation to eat and drink well – exercise is needed “our specific calling’s snare is drink; and it is profoundly depressing to see the number of members of the service who are engaged in the process of destroying themselves by it“
• Not enough freedom of thought  

the email said:

“The Internet is now up and running“

and included this little bundle of politeness

“we thank you all for your patience and apologise for the inconvenience this has caused“

The internet is often used to let me know whether  the internet is, or  isn’t, taking pat in the race today.

I am marked by a stubborn unwillingness to obey figures of authority such as dictionaries, alarm clocks, and flatware.

Delivering apologies is a local (English)  fine-art form.   The 90 second video above was  filmed exclusively by the Wendy House Audio-wideo Team (WHAT!)  before the arrival of Thomas (soppy SIGH).     It includes a First Great Western (FGW) Reading platform announcer delivering  ordinary apologies followed by the first of what turned out to be multiple extreme aoplogies.   Lisen for the stylish use of a contemporary xylophone solo ‘bing-bong-BING’ .   I had literally hours of fun that morning on Reading train station.

Well done FGW,   a fine example of extreme apologies.

There are lots of active things  in the English countryside.  

This bank holiday weekend  amongst the vivid west country green I found a ‘bathing beach’ beyond a ‘kissing gate’.

Comments on the fragrant wearing of non-specific-animal-print velvet trousers (NSAPVT) in a built-up area.

US:   Awesome pants!

UK: Top trousers!

Asian: (points at the NSAPVT, looks me in the eye  and smiles)

while discussing some extremely  impressive  specialist stuff:

specialist 1:   does it do the whole gubbins?

specialist 2: yea

Wendy thinks:   Oh!   I need one of those,   haven’t had my whole gubbins done for years.

A narrow boat called ‘Chavori’ on the River Kennet.   A google search for the word Chavori produces very few search results (3 pages) and perplexingly questions whether I wanted to search for ‘behavior’,   the results include texts on the ‘Romany’, ‘Gypsy’ languages.   One article, ‘A memoire of the language of the gypsies as now used in the Turkish Empire’  describes Chavori as ”a young female child.‘   Evidently, many English Romany words have become common usage within the English language e.g. lolly, cosh, cushy and most recently chav.

welcome to Sea-At-TULL,  mount rainy-air on the left

This conversation topic sneaks out over lunches and in pubs.   At first I thought it was a reserved conversation amongst friends because while the stories have entertainment value they clearly point to a source of stress in the tellers life.   Then recently while  buying home and contents insurance from a clerk in my local Reading bank branch:

Bank Clerk (BC):   is it a nice home?

Wendy: it needs some work  but its detached,   no noisey neighbours to worry about

BC:   Oh tell me about it!   we’ve got the nieghbour from hell she deals crack cocaine and everyone knows about it,   last night at about 4am she through a concrete garden boulder at her friends car because they were having an argument,   I was lying there praying she didn’t miss and hit my car…   …we tried calling the police but they just don’t want to know,   there’s nothing you can do…   …we’ve asked the council to move us but they can’t…     …she leaves her 4 year old child alone in the house while she goes out partying…  (and more of the same ilk for approximately 15 mins)

My listening  performance was  worthy of  the type of fees traditionally paid to professional psychiatrists.       What friendly approachable, troubled,  staff they have at my local bank branch in Reading.  

I might just drop into the bank to check she’s ok next time I’m downtown.

Mansfield chap said:

I knew a Scottish girl that lived in the US for 6 years, she’d start a conversations with ‘HI’ and talk a weird mix of American and  Scottish getting more Scottish as she kept talking.

After 8 years in the US you don’t even have a slight twang.

what happened?

This weedend’s assignment is to

1. take the idea of ‘measurement’ made by reference to easily recognisable object or event.  
2. use that idea to construct a novel, easy to recognise,  insult.    

The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah band  produced some good examples in lyrics (I can’t find online) something like this:  

You’ve got the brains  of a dead  ant  

and about as much imagination as a telephone pole….        

….but I still love you…

‘so as to’ is a three-sets-of-two-letters-cute phrase carrying two redundant words.   “in order to” is less letter-construction-cute while containing two redundant words.  

examples:

• kate went barefoot in order to hide the possibility that her socks have escaped.
• Microsoft is committed to…. (blah-de-blah) …so as to make it easy to install non-Microsoft products (Microsoft press release).

In both examples only the word ‘to’ does any real work.      Or am I missing some subtle spin these words  add to a message?    Maybe it makes the person who uses them sound clever.   What do you think?

So as to sound clever I will be using more words than usual and throwing in some new words for good measure.   In order to avoid getting poked in the eye today  I will not be walking within forking distance of Turdface.

 ABC World Cup Soccer commentator says

“nerves of steel to do it in a final like what he just did“

Commentators reflect and model the language of their target audience.   Is there anything actually wrong with this phrase?   I don’t know why it made me wince,   but it did.

Our Barcelonean correspondent, Eyan,  wants to know about the Microsoft Word selection of Synonyms for that naughty word:

Why isn’t toilet in the Word synonyms dictionary for British English? Are we being coy? Sweeping things under the carpet again?

I think it’s outrageous Toilet water and toilet block are there, but no toilet. What is a guy to do ? It’s there for US English, but not for British English.

I’m baffled,   I’ll have to rest in a room for a while to wonder whether the water closet (WC) should come out of the closet and declare itself a toilet  

0

nought, naught,  zero,  nil, none, nothing, nowt, zilch, diddly-squat

I still say naught (English version of zero).   It’s  begining to sound a bit strange to me now… …Wikipedia details the origins and use of the word Zero.   It doesn’t detail the origins on the word ‘naught.  

wendy:   Maybe you should consider the benefits of trying out ‘blah’

collegaue: Wendy means do ‘blah’

wendy:   (…um, ….yes,   …based on what I know already that is my best guess.    But I don’t know about the implications of doing ‘blah’ for ‘stuff-I’m-not-a-specialist-in’ and…     ….more disclaimers…..)

I’m not used to using unhedged assertive directives.   They are quick and convey specialist opinions concisely.   This is valued in my workplace.   It’s difficult to break the habit of constructing sentences with hedging words ‘maybe’,  ‘perhaps’,   ‘possibly’, ‘consider’,   ‘it seems’,   “I suspect”…    

I use them because I  believe they enable direct respect for  the knowldge of other specialists and  convey there  are potential caveats without necessarily ennumerating them.   Assertive directives can convey arrogance and ignorance.

This phrase is used on an almost daily basis by my colleagues at work.   I’ve heard British ex-pats, now also US citizens,  use it.   Apparently they are all super excited every day about something.   Possibly they are not drinking sufficient quantities of Tea to mellow their super  excitedness.   Even though super- is a legitimate prefix I wince whenever I hear the phrase super excited.    Super wincing,   I need more tea.

The following Venn diagram* bears no relationship to any statistically verified scale of  objectivist  reality.   Ironically(?) it is, relativitly, real to me  in a post-modern way.

* created without the help of Excel.

A draft Wikepedia  entry summarises  multiple categories of  irony.   Without knowledge of these  categories I  used to  use  them in work and  social situations.  

From Wikipedia, my emphasis:

“belief in Britain, Australia, and Canada that Americans are unable to understand the use of irony…     …there are many Americans who do understand and even use irony regularly…     …Americans can be confused by deadpan, ironic comments if they are unaccustomed to double meanings. The unfortunate result is that an American, assuming that what someone says is exactly what they mean, can simply find a visiting Brit rude“

Many = what?   more than 10?

Visiting Brit = what? Someone who intends to return to Britain within 90 days?

In  the US  I have tried to stop using socratic irony at work.   It appears more likely to produce  misconceptions about my actual knowledge and skills.   It gets effective results but I am less likely to be recognised as instrumental in achieving those results.   Sadly, I have felt obliged to change my working style to be perceived as effective at work.

Americans taking my comments ‘literally’ in non-work situations has lead to some bizarre,  unpublishable, misunderstandings.  I perpetuate the likelihood of these misunderstandings by persisting in using  irony in non-work contexts.   Over 40yrs  a spontaneous  use of irony  has beome an  integral part of being Wendy.

Reading the  Wikipedia definitions of irony helped me understand why I experience  many* Americans as ‘earnest’.    I recognise the importance of being earnest.   The US  readers of this blog that are not anticipating irony  should  consider that  many (more than 10)  of my posts are, dead,  ironic.  

* many = those Americans except the Many (10+?)  that understand and use irony.

Eyan asks the essential questions:

Can you explain to me how come I managed to do 18 pages of translation last night (I stayed up most of it) and today I have only done four ?

In Spain, is translation a nocturnally inspired process?