:: The Wendy House ::

According to Vanish  ‘the worst time to discover a stain is during the Ironing’   

The ironing?

hmmmmm…. …my cunning plan to avoid stains and purchasing products (an iron and stain-removing chemicals) is to avoid ironing anything! 

Hurrah for wrinkles!

Not natural,  arguably not beautiful and definitely not with a feather as implied by the imagery in this advert.  According to this advert natural beauty without surgery can be achieved by the injection of long lasting stuff.  Surely this is an abuse of even the 1968 trade’s descriptions act? 

To achieve naturalness you need injections?!

If the woman pictured in this advert is an exemplar of naturalness you also need lots of product such as dark eye-shadow,  mascara, lipstic, hair-dye, with some additional refinements in the form of eyebrow plucking, dental adjustments and airbrushing.

Burn me as a witch for saying it, but I’d much rather wrinklefest without layers of product on my skin and hair however ‘unnatural’ that might be.

When the smell of car,  smell of book,  or smell of plastic just isn’t enough to please the peoplewho come within sniffing distance of your life.   

When you long for the-day-after-a-night-in-the-pub smokey scent in your hair, 

Try the new tobacco scented shower gel

you know it makes scents.

Not a euphemism for light sabres. 

Also known in the US as ‘Energy bars’.  Not a way of describing the throughput of electricity to an electronic device. 

High sugar-content (energy) biscuits in a bar shape marketed in the US as a lifestyle accessory for highly active people (Walkers, cyclists, etc).  Similar products in the UK appear to be marketed as breakfast bars and stocked next to the breakfast cereals in supermarkets.  I suspect they are breakfast replacements for fast-moving executives, children and aspiring anorexics. 

I’m trying a few as possible lifestyle accessories for my GREEK SAILING HOLIDAY.  Huuuuurrrraaaahhhhh!

A local Holland and Barratt shop lured me in with this ‘Love bar’.  I subsequently discovered that the advertising is naughty because Gillian McKieth cannot legally call herself a Doctor in the UK.  Her Dr. qualification is reportedly from a correspondence course with a non-acredited US University.  The Guardian reported on her naughty non-truths and misleading product information back in 2007.  In 2008 she’s still using the title Dr. on product packaging and making questionable claims about their ‘health’ impact…  

when smell of book,  or smell of plastic just isn’t enough for the women in your life,  try smell of car …

Sunday Times and  online Times article ‘Sex and the Sixities’  by India Knight includes the following rousing calls to womanhood:

“the essence of modern womanhood, the one hard-to-define component that makes us all want to cheer the loudest…“  is  “…possibility that we may, at 62, perhaps look like Helen Mirren in a bikini”

“a 62-year-old woman looking hot – properly hot, not “hot for her age” or hot as in “fanciable, even though you know you shouldn’t” is a thing that simply can’t be celebrated enough.”

‘Mirren in her red bikini says more, more succinctly, about what women want and can achieve than any amount of turgid feminist preaching ever could’

Gosh, I don’t think I know people who think spending time and skill to dress for the occasion is shallow,  but India thinks that view might be held by some Times readers because she considerately quashes it “if you think that’s shallow, I would humbly posit that you understand nothing at all about real women’s hopes and ambitions.”  Trying to following India’s humble reasoning,  leads to the suspicion that if I don’t want to look like Helen Mirren in a Bikini then I may not be a real woman,  Ooops!  I think I may have fallen over.

Apparently the social construction of ‘woman’ once meant “no longer being “a girl”, which translated into bad clothes, bad hair, bad make-up and, if you were especially unfortunate, a bad figure.”  and “Worse, having reproduced meant that in the eyes of society you no longer existed as a sexual being“. It seems that India believes promoting yourself as a ’sexual being’ , sexbot, should be an aspirational goal for real women and it is equated to looking young. If you don’t look sexy you look old.  Whhhooooops!  I definitely fell over this time.

India’s view also implies that, normal, aspiring real women have no financial or legal obstacles to not looking youthful and sexy because ‘deregulated’‘ ‘minor surgical procedures’ are ‘nothing that is outside most people’s league’ .  It is all part of the groundwork for achieving ‘a triumphant assertion of easy, carefree femininity’.  While fake women should embrace the freedom and “life-changing power of hair dye“.  As a self-identified, terminally-fake, woman I  ”might know better if they [I] made an attempt at living in the real world“.  Maybe downtown Reading is actually a figment of my nasty, demented, Ivory-tower, imagination?  Deary me,  I  must get out more and take my zimmer-frame.

If ‘looking good’ is primarily equated to looking youthful and sexy I have no intention of developing an interest. or skill, in it.  When looking good is constructed to promote wrinkles and twisty silver hairs ideally with a dash,  or spring, of surrealist creativity,  then I’ll be swinging my funky-stuff with the melting clocks but not with the people who aspire to portray themselves as sexbots.

For now,  if I place myself in India’s analytical framework I find that I am:

• Preaching (turgid?) feminism.
• intelligent, a blue stocking.
• a frump because I don’t pride myself in being fashionable.
• Living in an ivory tower (in Reading). 
• not recognising the equivalence of the value of having a face-lift with the right to paid maternity leave.

At least India has clearly given me the escape route to achieve real-woman status that luckily I can choose not to aspire to,  I must

• maintain my already abundant confidence.
• promote my sexual potential. 
• develop and interest in whatever the current fashion defines as looking good.  
• have minor surgical procedures so that I can look good in a bikini. 
• Die my hair.

Unlike Alan’s outstanding advice I wont be aligning the value-set outlined in India’s article.

* the sound of me and my zimmer-frame colliding with the ground when dropping out of our Ivory tower.

I’m sorry sir, 

we have just run out of subtlety, 

will a double dose of concise frankness do?

It’s 70% off.

Thimbleby and Shoreland, founded in 1901, maintain an auction house on the impressively named Great Knollys Street in downtown Reading.  Thimbleby and Shoreland declare themselves:

the leading international specialist in the sale and valuation of horse-drawn carriages and related items, hosting the world famous Reading Carriage Sales

Recently they auctioned ‘THE DAVE SCARROTT COLLECTION OF TRAPS, LURES and SCARERS’  As you’ve wisely deduced,  I couldn’t resist taking a peak at such a curious collection.  The Auction brochure reports:

THE TRAP MAN

A motor mechanic by profession, Dave Scarrott started this unique collection quite by chance some twenty years ago when he was offered a couple of traps by a friend. From those small beginnings his passion grew to the extent of the present collection with interesting and rare traps and other artefacts having been sourced from all over the world.

The family have lived in the South Oxfordshire area from time immemorial and Dave will be the first to admit that his unusual hobby ‘is in the blood’ and he makes no secret of the fact that his great uncle, Jack Scarrott, was a notorious local poacher. It was a way of life in those early days with a large family to support and no social security! So notorious was he that the Kirtlington Estate saw fit to appoint him as their head game keeper and use his skills to their advantage, thereby killing two birds with one stone!

Dave and his collection have been a familiar sight at most local shows and it is undoubtedly one of the finest single collections in the country. The decision to sell has not been an easy one but has been forced on him due to illness. Unfortunately therefore, his days of travelling around the local shows are over, but rather than just ‘shut up shop’ Dave has reluctantly decided it is time to call it a day and move on

Geoff Mulgan is partly on track when he aligns L’Oreal’s slogan with Nationalisim and values of low worth.  Oddly(?) Geoff completely omits what appears, to me, to be the obvious point that the message appears to be intentionally delivered to women. 

‘you’re worth it…’

…what are you worth?  Apparantly a shampoo..  ..or a moisturiser…

Is that really what women are worth? 

A ‘prince of quacks’ in Queen city.  Dr. Roy Pierce’s medical elixia appears to be an exemplar of ‘medical quackery’.  He created,  marketed and patented the ingredients of a range of ‘medical’ products.  There is a wonderful humour in the well-maintained barn-painted advertisement for this phenomena (medicine quack) of the wild-west.

“The combined science of citrus and ginger“ 

Citrus is Science? 

Ginger is Science? 

These two ‘Sciences’ can be combined? 

Its enough to confuse a person into tripping up and bumping her nose on the floor.  Do they mean ‘good effects’  the good effects of citrus combined with the good effects of ginger?  If that is what they mean then I can continue walking without a nose bleed.  I can’t be sure.   It gets worse.  Exfoliating body scrub?   I can scrub my body without exfoliating it?  Sometimes I can be so pathetic without noticing it.  

science = good effect 

I’m a visionary and I’m not refering to my outstanding collection of eyewear.  Apparantly, according to this visionary philosophy, espoused in Sephora, wearing make-up is optional.  An amazing revalation.  I’ve been a visionary for decades and I didn’t even realise it.  Thanks Sephora for pointing this out. 

No wait!  read the small print.  

Optional make-up is only legitimate if you have a skin problem that needs intense treatment.  Darn.  Maybe I’ll have to develop a skin problem to qualify as a visionary… …or a legitimate US female.   

buy

SMART WATER! 

SMART WATER perks up your grey matter and can end random bouts of ignorance and absentmindedness with just one gulp.  SMART WATER.  You know it makes sense. If you don’t know it makes sense,  you must be stupid so buy SMART WATER now and solve your stupidity.  Give it to your children,  your pets,  your granny…  …we all need a little more smarts every now and then,  you can rely on SMART WATER to solve all your ignorance challenges. 

why purchase only 1 Valentine’s card when you can save by buying and sending 8?

bottles of food supplements, pills, with strange scientific sounding names,  to replace what?  Eating food with silly names like ‘potatoes’, ‘carrots’ and ‘oranges’ of course!  It’s much too complicated for me to work out what I am supposed to buy. 

I think I’ll stick to the ‘produce’.

For a man who’s too ‘macho‘ to wear perfume.  Has someone questioned his masculinity?  He needs to reassert he is not a namby-pamby faggot.  “Daytona 500″ scent of the race-track: oil; exhaust fumes; gasoline. Daytona 500 for men who like to go round in circles, getting no-where, fast:

Alternatively,  if you’ve got twice the cash to splash on drowning his natural scent, simply make him hum.  

Looks like the patriarchy is stepping up to sell masculinity using the same tactics that have been tried and tested selling femininity to females… 

The Star magazine produces a poorly contrived story-line. The before photographs are paparazzi style unposed for shots and the after shots are obviously posed for.  Hardly comparable on the basis of make-up alone. Is it a wry joke?  Am I really supposed to believe the line or laugh heartily at is shere ridiculousness?    

The headline really needed that excalmation mark,  because the storyline that ‘make-up matters’ is an outrageously shocking, novel, storyline.  So few women have realised that their societal value pivots upon their ability to master the skills of purchasing and applying make-up.  I can’t read this because my failure as a woman both to purchase and master the application of make-up would be too disturbing to deal with without expensive therapy sessions.  Adding failure to failure I don’t even have a husband to pay for the necessary treatment.  It’s a virtuous cycle,  no husband, no make-up,  no make-up, no husband.

It would be equally easy for a magazine to construct a story with photographs to prove a point that illustrated the many cases where make-up has virtually no impact or is even detrimental.  They could even run an uncontroversial article on the role of make-up in various valuable societal roles,  irrespective of genders,  e.g. Make-up matters for people performing in front of TV cameras or on stages where the audience is more than 10 feet way.   An article of this nature might at least be worthy of reading.  An extreme stance in the opposite direction would be fun, for balance, make-up really doesn’t matter.  An article with this storyline would,  in my opinion, warrant and exclamation mark for providing an alternative valuable viewpoint!  I’d love to see popularist magazines target both male and female audiences questioning their discourses and presenting thought provoking articles that counterbalance dominant views.  Especially questioning the sickeningly dominant view that female beauty requires maintaining a consumer industry with a value scheme based on manipulating physical appearance, breast implants, nose sculpting, liposuction and of course piles of make-up for everyone princess.  Challenging the relative value of males and females wearing make-up is just one potentially interesting article …   .maybe its already been written…

but DON’T PANIC,

With this product I can actually rediscover the skin that I was born with, that should clear up the red sticky mess nicely.

Now I just need to get the required ‘natural sun kissed look’.  Maybe I could try going outside. 

What do you think? 

Moving south to sunnier climes is too expensive and dramatic as a solution.  The idea of finding someone called sunny to kiss me is an appealing challenge.   Choosing to be my natural, pasty-white, skin colour as oppose to artificially constructing an unnatural, natural, look is also an option.  The default option.  Too many decisions!

Help

sixth in a tea-tonic-tastic Thursday series about taking tiffin with (black) tea in the NW USA.

Thursday Tiffin #6: get what you need

The “Republic of Tea” has taken breadth of tea selection marketing and packaging to new frontiers.  Here’s one of their stands in my local Fridge,  advertising teas to fulfill your health needs:

Fulfulling health needs is a high profile marketing line, discourse, in the US.  These Teas are advertised for helping you get clear skin, ‘regularity’, sleep, energy and more.  Tea,  the ultimate tonic,  cures everything and comes in a pretty box with a catchy tag line.  Woo…   …how did I resist this?  am I getting what I need without this? I think so….

Remember that purchasing Tea in NW USA is a complex process where the actual (black) teas can be obfuscated by the fancy marketing ploys.

because

1. they are pretty.
2. they will aid sleep.
3. they relieve allergies.
4. I might get pregnant.
5. they prevent psoriasis.
6. stress is ruining my life.
7. diet failure is not my fault
8. they lower my blood pressure.
9. they prevent drowsiness at work.
10. my cholesterol level needs controlling.
11. bowel movements should be regularized.
12. Primrose oil is more accessible in pill form.
13. they can help me avoid heartburn (acid reflux).
14. my susceptibility to a heart attack will be reduced.
15. everyone else is taking them, I don’t want to be different.
16. getting my vitamin requirements from eating food is difficult.
17. my daily milk drink has insufficient calcium to prevent osteoporosis.
18. I can ‘be myself again’.

Warning:  side effects can include nausea, vomitting, headache, diahrea, muscle ache, reduction in vision, liver problems, skin rash, water retention, depression and in rare cases; fatality. Do not consume alcohol, drive or operate heavy machinery when taking these pills.  Please consult a doctor before taking these pills.   

I wonder

• whether ’scientific’ studies adequately predict pill cocktail impact?
• what ‘health’ meant before extremely wealthy drug companies?
• when I will find time to eat between popping pills?

Sanitary protection (UK) isle

Both euphemisms refer to the social value of ‘cleanliness’ something that traditionally groups with lower social standing own - the cleaning.  The US euphemisim clearly cites this as a female issue.  Women,  cleaning,  clearly acceptable terms to put together.  The name Jenn overheard a female using refers to females in a respectful way without raising cleaniliness or anything that might disturb people who don’t bleed (blood?):  Lady pants.  I suspect lady pants will never catch on as a euphamism because it has too few syllables per word to be sufficiently pretentious for a modern euphamism (e.g. used = previously owned).  Lets play with the experience to find a new euphemism. 

This isn’t a hygeine issue because the blood is fresh.  I don’t like the inference that I have a hygiene problem because I’m a girl. Bad marketting.  We could ’balance’ the names by also having a ‘male hygeine’ isle.  The male hygiene isle would contain products for cleaning spatter from around the toilet (rest room), removing sperm ejaculated while asleep (wet dreams) with quick sheet drying abilities,  and other messy stuff that is male-body-function-specific.  Some wonderful product-euphamisms possible here,  for example, dry dream wipes.  Rather than add another set of gender specific hygeine problems to be solved,  lets cut the word hygeine.

This is a blood-flow management issue.  Management is a much better word more taking control and sorting things out.  To avoid the monosyllabic word blood lets pair management with the technical term - Menstruation.  Ideal.  Lots of syllables,  unintelligible, unpronouncable to the uninitiated (children),  and it start’s with an M.

Menstruation Management isle

They could stock this supermarket isle with pain killers,  stress relief products, chocolate, action/violence DVDs and bandages for anyone who said the wrong thing to the Menstruator.  With a name like feminine hygeine the products do not sit naturally with the other products that a menstruator might impulse purchase at the same time.  In the US feminine hygeine products are often placed by nappies.  How whacky is that?  It says to me,  this is your place:  clean the messes, have babies and clean their messes.  Not an embodiment of the progressive attitude I’d expect to encounter in North America.  I’m not going to impulse buy some baby pants when I’m suffering from pre-menstrual tension/syndrome.  Shops are missing out on a key marketting opportunity by implying menstruating women have a hygiene problem,  not mechandising to leverage female financial independence,  and offending people like me by forcing me to walk by baby pants.   

something for the stinker in your life:

hum = verb,  to smell bad.  A ‘hummer’ is something that emits a bad smell.    How appropriate

solving one of my shopping cunundrums.  How did I resist it’s sparkliness?  Impenetrable packaging helped…

Cummings, the fragrance official site. The photographic pun’s on traditional perfume marketing images are worth a look. The whole site is both professional and gently tongue in cheek.  These qualities have left me wanting to try this smell.

Excerpts from Cummings, the fragrance site

“With a name like mine it was made to be sprayed all over people’s body’s, what do you think?” A Cummings

“an assertively masculine combination of bergamot, whiskey, cigar, leather, highland mud, and… condom.”  (Allure)

“Mild. Nice. Not obtrusive” (Martha Stewart)