wendy house

Since the arrival of a woodburner in the wendy house, things have started to get

• high temperature,
• high tempo,
• hi disco. 

Disco inferno is the current tune of choice

The Trammps sang Disco Inferno

Home can be anywhere, anytime,
It can be in more than one place and time. 
Home is always there and never there. 
Unlike Rome my home doesnt need time to be built.
Like a shadow it follows me around.
Always welcoming, its presence waxes and wanes through my days.

Morcheeba sang rome wasn’t built in a day

During the recent snow, cars moved very, very slowly and often moved into unintended places with slow, steady momentum.

It’s difficult to forget the world while shivering. Its worth a try. Getting a good wood burning stove is also worth a try

snow patrol sang chasing cars

the sound of the subway phone

John Foxx sang underpass

Recovering from an intensive weekend de-savaging the wendy house garden:  

• woodshed shopping
• leaf brushing
• weed plucking
• bush pruning
• snowdrop shoot admiring

Savage garden sang I want you

Today we listen to internationally* celebrated behaviour therapist Dr. Amelia Prank-Hirst present the key canons of her best selling clinical text book on effective handling techniques for your pet human male – ‘he’s just a man’ 

This lecture was performed for a small group of international psychiatrists and legal specialists in the back garden of Doctor Prank-hirst’s modest wooden wendy house on the outskirts of downtown Stockholm.  The meeting is more commonly known as the ‘Stockholm stand summit’ (SSS).

From this lecture we learn that men

• are irrational (hard to understand).  We are advised not to waste time trying to make sense of the complete gobbledegook that pet males are prone to spew.
• have trouble standing up and require physical props.  Pet owners have tried many kinds of physical props but the most effective prop is the pet owner themselves.  I was particularly impressed by Dr. Prank-Hirst’s commitment to re-inforcing her hairstyle to add the versatility of extra height to her male-support function.
• should not be aquired for christmas or any other gift-giving ceremony unless you are confident that the recipient has sufficiently strong back-bone and arm-muscles to deal with the male’s unability to stand alone.  Several nations at the SSS are considering introducing a pet-ownership licence schemes to ensure owners have the strength to manage a pet man. 
• need a nocturnal external heating system.  Several heating systems have been proposed.  Currently the wood-burning stove is recommended as an excellent souce of renewarble energy.  Possession of a heating system is likely to be a requirement for people taking-on pet males in the legislation being developed at the Stockholm summit.
• require love.  There has been some debate around the nature of love that is required by male pets,  with specialists proposing that food, alcohol, TV remote control constitues the necessary basics and the provision there-of could be described as ‘love’.

I’m sure we’ve all seen the results of these simple behavioural support guidelines not being followed by owners of males – gangs of men wandering the streets at night,  shivering,  falling over, hanging around in fast-food joints and pubs.  

Tammy Wynette sang stand by your man

* In the style of Scarlet’s advertisement reviews.  Scarlet has not condoned any of the views expressed in this post

The snow is disappearing to the sound of modern English’s optimistic little ditty.  This song came to my attention on a compilation audio tape cassette that Bambi used as part of his courting ritual. 

Modern English sang I melt with you

At 12 yrs I considered having a crush on Greg Lake because of his voice, song writing skills and wonderfully smooth unblemished skin.  Sometimes he even looked 12 years old….  

Greg Lake sang I believe in father christmas
(I suspect he didn’t actually believe)

Poets for Oxfam

John Hegley delivering St. Georges day

In my dream I was still living with the *anker that I actually left in 2000 after years of building up the pluck to walk out.  Tight black leather jeans, tears bullying,  and that was just his his contribution to the dream, mine was even more icky.  I fell over several times at a cricket match during the game.  Most embaressing. 

Godley and Creme sang Under your thumb

The supermarkets are stocking up with spirits for the drinking-even-more-than-normal usual season.  Buy one get one free.  When-ever I see a whiskey bottle I think of Phil Lynott,  his long legs and unfeasably tight jeans (before the invention of Lycra or Spandex).  Phil’s alcohol and drug problems have somehow become aligned in my consciousness with the local seasonal overdrinking.

Thin Lizzy sang Whiskey in the jar

Vegetarian ex-psychiatric nurse John Darnielle’s talent and presence was one of the exquisite highlights of living in the USA. 

The mountain goats sang This year

 I’ve been lured away to stay with a friend’s family in Cairo. How lucky is that?

There will be sunshine on sand, pyramids, sweat, bizarreness in bazaars,  bobbing on boats, the grandest of floppy hats and the lovely Egyptian people.

Sand maybe getting into crevices, interferring with normal blog posting services, friction and chaffing.  Please be patient, we apologise for any inconvenience this may cause

(Sax warning)

Madness sang night boat to Cairo

Prefab Sprout put their finger on a fundamental truth when they pointed out that some things hurt much more than cars and girls. Cars and girls have been kind to me so far, some things have been less forgiving, for example Dentists, Ski Lifts and Curb Stones

Prefab Sprout sang Cars and Girls

and it tells my time

In 1984  I rented the ‘Tea Warehouse’ for the night.  For my time.  I found some friendly DJ’s with large and obliging record (Vinyl albums) collections.  They were prepared to indulge my taste and keen to get better aquainted with some of my gorgeous girl friends, as indeed they did.

I have memories of dancing along the street to the Warehouse at midnight for the start of the party. Dancing between the traffic. I remember kissing the policeman who lured me back to the pavement with the promise of a chance to wear his helmet.   

The Psychedelic furs sang ‘Heaven’

In my day,  before personal cell phones,  there would be one phone in any household, if you were Lucky.  All incoming calls came through this one, shared, phone.  In our house the parents answered the phone until, as teenagers, our friends started to call us (rather than their parents calling our parents). 

Shared phone

Skillfullly avoiding parental or sibling interview of people calling-in was tricky.  It is a skill today’s youngsters have not had to learn.    The role of phone sanitizers has also been reduced by the relative lack of phone sharing.  I can’t remember the last time I called a number then asked ‘Is [name] there?‘

Department S sang Is Vic there?

John Peel once described ‘another girl, another planet’ as an artful little caprice.

I’ve always rather fancied that the other planet is planet Wendy

Planet Wendy is definitely a good place to be another girl

the only ones sang another girl, another planet

In 1979 I realised the full implications of an electric friend.  Charged with excitement and a six pack of batteries I wasn’t too sure where I could get my hands on an electric friend.  I settled for some curling tongs instead.  This probably explains much of my subsequent love life.

Tubeway army sang ‘Are friends electric‘

An outstanding little bouncy song with an optimisitc message for people who are near the bottom.

Yazz sang The only way is up

My nieces look like they’ve escaped from Bananarama.  Having mislaid their dictionary during the breakout they are now tackling the ravages of teenage boredum.  Dedum. 

Grunting and liberal misuse of the original anglo-saxonisms helps alieviate the condition.  I’m thinking of trying it,  small doses.  But, as yet, I can’t bring myself to part with my 1982 Collins concise.

Banarama sang ‘Robert DeNiro’s waiting’

The Wendy House has a novel coil-spring doorbell circa 1960’s. For some reason it isn’t working.  WD-40 and a bit of fiddling hasn’t yet fixed it. I do enjoy a personally relevant, memorable, chorus delivered with passion.  Ring my bell!

White Stripes sang Doorbell

On Holiday!  Out in the country!  Sheep, cows, fields, tractors, all the advantages of rural living.  Anything could happen…

The farmers boys sang in the country

Before metro-sexual, with the aide of Niel Innes,  people like me imagined urban spacemen.  I grew-up with a crush on Niel Innes.  He wears hats, plays the piano, and has eyebrowse that raise towards the centre of his brow.  Excellent.

Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band sang I’m The Urban Spaceman

The lines ‘hey you, you’re such a pedant, you’ve got as much brains as a dead ant, as much imagination as a caravan site…  …but I still love you’  have a touching brilliance that appealed to me as a child and are still poignantly pertinent

Niel Innes sang how sweet to be an idiot

Magnus Pike’s arms, face, and language worked like a symphony.   Together they could explain and make  memorable complex science.  They could add unexpected, playful, dimensions to music videos. 

Thomas Dolby sings she blinded me with science

My favourite 6 ft blonde bar staff in the ’sack of potatoes’ used to call me his favourite Cher.  Cher after Sonny and before her substantial body resculpture.  I suspect the nose, attitude and hairstyle were the main points of similarity.

Meatloaf and Cher sing Dead ringer for love

Term of endearment or insult?  Sometimes it can be difficult to tell. 

The first time my college roomate from Sheffield called me a ‘Mardy cow’,  apart from having to ask her what ‘mardy’ was, I was a tad offended.  No-one had ever called me a  ’cow’ , to my face, before.  Clearly I’d had a sheltered youth.  My Sheffield room-mate quickly put my right on this one,  cow is a term of endearment.   Apparantly ‘Mardy Cow’ was an affectionate expression to convey her extreme disappointment that I wasn’t going to be joining her for an evening of heavy metal music appreciation.  Not really my bag. 

I’d rather be a crazy sheep listening to the likes of curiosity killed the cat,  I can’t help admiring the lyrics and behatted lankey body movements of the rather charming Ben.  But not my room-mates cup of tea.  I called her a mardy cow and she replied by demonstrating how her long hair accentuated the head-banging experience.  Excellent.

Curiosity killed the cat sang Misfit

Angst in penguin suits,  with plummy accents,  on plucky ukeleles, by post-teenagers.  Despite all the apprarant innapropriateness, it seems to work quite well. 

The Ukelele Orchestra of Great Britain sing Smells like Teen Spirit

While studying for my Doctorate I saw the talented Dr. Robert and marvelled at his ability to complete a Doctorate so young.  In those days I used to confuse optimistic love songs with optimistic political songs.  

Still do

Nursing a heavily chaffed-heart under a recent piercing, a 100% cotton vest and an outsized mohair jumper.  Yet I still managed to believe this song was a rallying call to vote against Margaret Thatcher rather than an optimisitic love song.  Planet Wendy can be pretty twisty at times. 

Most times

The Blow Monkeys sang It doesn’t have to be this way

When your self esteem is in hiding, when you are looking for a way out, remember that maybe you’ve been brainwashed too…  

the new radicals sang  ‘you only get what you give’

Several years later, in America,  far away, I had found my self esteem,  I found a way out.   Lost on the roads of a driving culture.  

From your home that I shared you send me CD’s with lyrics about moving to America, lyrics about flying away, lyrics that echo my words to you.  Before I left.  You haunt me through songs and the mailbox.  Distance in time and place are no distance at all. 

For a while I tried to reconjur why I left,  then found peace in just forgetting

the new radicals sang ’someday we’ll know’.

The soulful behatted pianist who does not sell his songs to product advertising, and does proactively support peace and respect for fellow human beings.  I was lucky enough to see him perform live in 2004 on the Real Gone tour.  Hero.

Tom Waits sings Tom Traubert’s blues

Living in windy Birmingham I quickly learned that my umbrella management skills were inadequate. The high turn-over of umbrellas was too burdensome for my student income. I started wearing hats, getting wet.

Walking through fountains.

Specifically the fountain infront of Birmingham museum and art gallery.  A summer night in a fountain, a wonderful temporary innoculation againt the pain of a lost heart. A fountain and The Blue Nile’s album  ’A walk across the rooftops’ took me to the places I needed to be. When they later released ‘Hats’, naturally I was thrilled by their unknowingly knowing insight.