wendy house

3pm. Somewhere near Didcot. 21st December

How sensible am I,  starting my journey back to Reading?
Unbeknownst to me, Reading had already come to a standstill
The Reading Chronical had already published the standstill*

6pm. Pangbourne. 21st December

This is where I encountered the full car neige,  the tail end of the traffic trying to get into Reading.  The traffic standing still,  sliding sideways, not yet abandoned.  Local radio traffic news talked 50 yards taking 2 hours to cover.  Urrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhh……

Across the next hour I called and consulted with multiple friends. The phone network was often too busy to connect my calls.  Despite the presense of many car drivers I felt very alone.  My calm sensible friends and I agreed that I needed to get off the road quickly and get shelter for the night. 

wendy: do you have any spare rooms for the night?

receptionist: stranded?

wendy: yes, well, um, yes

receptionist: we have one room left,  would you like a toothbrush with that?

wendy: OH! (signifying relief at getting a room and supportive receptionist) Yes please, thank you, I was turned away from the hotel down the road, a toothbrush!  how thoughtful

Handsome Other Guest (HOG): we’re stranded too,  I’ve only got a hammer and some ski poles in the boot of my car,  maybe we can do a deal over the toothbrush?

wendy: I’ve got a blanket in my car, we could build something like a tent with the poles and hammer.  Not sure where the toothbrush comes in

HOG: (Huge smile then turns to receptionist) table for 6 please

receptionist: we’re waiting for the chef to get in before we finalise the menu,  we’ll try and feed everyone

HOG: Table for 6?  Can you put me on the waiting list

Clearly the snow car chaos called for some serious parking-up and a pint of Butcombe.  My party for one joined a few other party’s for one and we all shared stories of family, cars, hills, walking, the IT industry and other topical faerie tales. 

* the exceptional Number 17 bus was still on the move, albeit erratically.

Angel is a young (late 20’s) local boy who reminds me of the ‘Charles’ character in the film ‘4 weddings and a funeral‘. 

Angel:  Yes….Yes…my home was broken into 4 years ago….they took everything….everything small….small enough to carry……mobile phones…..DVD player……they didn’t take my Cello….it is portable,  in a case with a handle, you can carry it….they didn’t take it.

Wendy:  Oh (signifiying acknowledgement of the value of a person’s Cello)

Angel: Yes.  Good thing really

Wendy: Yes……..    I’ve got a friend whose sister is called Hilary, like Jacqueline du Pré

Angel:  Yes…….     ………Yes……..  ……..must go……     got a train to catch.

Bros 1957: Wendy, do you remember what we were doing at this time on September 11th 1979?

Wendy: Errr…..um…  …not really,  what were we doing Bros 1957?

Bros 1957:  Oh!  You don’t remember!

Bros can produce an ‘Oh’ packed with emotional messages.  It’s a family trait.  He was genuinely very suprised that I didn’t remember what we were doing at a specific time on a specific day nearly 10 years earlier

Wendy: Nope.  I can guess but it would be based on probablities that things I remeber happened at that time.  What were we doing then?

Bros 1957: We were having a family sauna at a ski resort in Inari, Finland 

Wendy:  I remember the Sauna.  How do you remember the exact date and time?

Bros 1957: because it was exactly 10,000* days ago (huge smile)

Bros 1957 has a fantastic ability to remember time and events together, he’s published an eponymous moon-based calendar.

* dates have been changed because I can’t remember them

Wendy:  I want Oxblood red please!

Conkers footwear facilitator (CFF): You can have any of these colours, you can have different colours for different feet, different colours for different sections of the boot, what would you like?

Wendy: Oh, Oh, OH,  purple, no green, no this electric blue,  no brown.  Oh!  …  um,  Oxblood red please..

I discovered Conkers shoes in the summer of 1986.  discovered after having been sent there by a bouncy student friend from Newton Abbot who’s boots I couldn’t help but admire.  By the time I found Conkers they were 9 years old and had a small shop at the top of Totnes High street. 

They now have a larger shop half way up Totnes High street. As a student I couldn’t afford the luxury of a well made, durable, easy to repair, natural tree-rubber soled, funky coloured, personalised pair of shoes. I sulked and promised myself that when I had a job I would come back and treat myself.  I’ve had one job or another for nearly 20 years.  This week I went back to Totnes and now I have a pair of boots being made-up to fit.  I suspect I will be back again…  for purple, or green, or…

Wendy:  Do you remember Rod Stewarts haircut in his early years? When he was in The Faces?  about the time of Maggie May?  No.  Silly question. You are clearly way too young.  It’s an early ’70’s cut, short on top and longer at the back,  it was called a feather cut

Alan: like a mullet

Wendy: Yes! That’s what I want,  a 70’s kitch mullet

Alan:  you’ll need a lot of product

Wendy: Oh <mindful not to argue with the hairdresser before he starts cutting>

I got exactly what I asked for.  Hoorah,  it certainly turned heads on the street

Rod Stewart sang the first cut

After a few minutes silence a new conversation starts

male: I’ve got a new horn

female: Oh?

male: Yes,  it’s no longer ‘MOOOOOOO’  now it’s ’MOOOOOOEEEEW

female: that’s nice

male: do you want to see my horn?

Wendy: Teeeeheeeehheeeeheeee he wants to show you his horn

Returning to the UK has reinforced my ability to regress the age of 12 without the aid of a parachute or hypnotist. 

How cheap is that?  Bargain basement cheap! 

friend: you’re wearing a skirt, I’ve not seen you in a skirt before

I pull open my cosey warm cardigan to reveal that the skirt goes all the way up to my armpits

Wendy: a dress

friend: Oh!

Wendy: t-mobile’s colours are almost the same as HMV’s  – pink and black

t-mobile assistant: Magenta

Wendy: Oh (signifying recognition that the assistant’s correction was blunt),  I’m sorry,  is Magenta a technical term for pink?

t-mobile assistant:  There’s been an SQL error entering your details,  I don’t know what SQL is but its not your fault.  

Wendy: Sequal Server? Maybe it needs a t-mobile technical specification,  like magenta instead of pink? 

Waiting for a local bus,  for local people, locally, my other brother skipped up to me with a big smile and HELLLOOOOOO Wendy HaHaHa.  I jumped up to hug him (he’s 6 ft 4).

skippy:  Here’s the bus,  three busses at once,  OooooOOOOoo HaHaha

I walked toward the first double decker

skippy:  WRONG!   we want the single decker, Hahahahaha

Wendy:  Oh (signifying disappointment at not getting the double decker)

Skippy is on the bus and has placed himself in the centre of the back row of 5 seats by the time I’ve joined the line and paid for a ticket.  I look down the bus too see him at the end of the isle,  he shows me all of his teeth and claps his hands,  then raises one hand and waves it at me, as if I might be leaving, while laughing.   I show him my recently cleaned teeth and run down the bus to take a seat next to him.  We chat loudly during the journey.  I laugh everytime Skippy talks because his enthusiasm and volume is brillliant.  He is clearly happy to be with his little sister and I with him.

Skippy is looking forward to the Easter special Dr. Who episode,  he tells me about it.  I posit that maybe this bus is a TARDIS and one of the passengers is a time lord disguised as a local,  the conversation deteriorates from here on. 

Hoorah!

 A fairly typical secondary school conversation about my brother in the late 1970’s:

Secondary School Peer (SSP):  you know your brother?

Wendy:  yes, I know both of them,  do you mean [name]?

SSP: No,  the other one,  what’s wrong with him?

Wendy:  What do you mean ‘what’s wrong with him’

SSP:  well,  you know he’s not normal…

Wendy:  how is he not ‘normal’?

SSP:  you know,  skipping down the corridors, laughing to himself and clapping his hands

Wendy:  Oh (signifying acknowledgement that my other brother does all these things), yes, he does that when he’s happy

SSP: he’s happy in the corridors at school?

Wendy: yes,  he’s always been able to entertain himself and find things to make him smile

SSP: He’s weird

He  is still a happy soul, able to entertain himself and skip down the street when he’s happy.  It’s as cute in a man in his 50’s as it was for a boy in his teens.  I just bounce,  I find that the less complex up-down movement reduces the likelihood that I will fall over. 

A deficit of skipping must be a very sad thing,  as indeed the beautiful, be-hatted, talented, lip-synch-averse, wiggly, much missed Billie MacKenzie recognised:

The Associates sang Skipping

Wendy:  Hello

AA Approved Car Dealership Sales Person (Sales):  Hello

Wendy:  My name’s Wendy and I’m interested in the used Diesel Mini advertised on your website.

Sales: Yes

Wendy:  It has suprisingly low mileage, do you know why?

Sales: The owner has 4 other cars and spends most of their time abroad,  its mainly sat in their garage, its in excellent condition.  I’ve known them for 25 years.

Wendy: Oh (signifying impressed by people with sufficient funds to buy a car to store it)  could I book a time to test drive it?

Sales: Yes

Wendy:  I live 21 miles away, in Reading

Sales: If you tell me when you arrive I can pick you up from the local train station

Wendy: to catch a train I’d have to go into London and then come out again,  it would take more than 90 minutes, and at least 2 train rides.  Could you possibly bring the car over to Reading?

Sales: No, we don’t do that

Wendy: Oh (signifying suprise at the sales person’s lack of conversational charm or any effort put into actually attempting sell the car)

Sales: we can’t leave the office unstaffed. 

Wendy:  I can get there on (date/time) would that work for a test drive?

Sales:  Are you interested in buying it then?

Wendy:  No, I just fancied a day trip out and a free drive in someoneelses second hand mini for the hell of it

Wendy:  yes

why I love England #8:  flippancy

Liberal indulgance in flippancy.  Often there is no apparant effort to dress-up,  or dress-down, conversations to be anything other than a wee bit of mutual indulgence in minor entertainment.  No nonsense nonsense.  In my experience flippancy is more common, valued, in England than in the NW US

Mary:  Wendy?  that’s easy,  we don’t have any Wendy’s here.

Wendy:  Oh, (signifying surprise that I’ll be the first and only Wendy here) I’ll be your first Wendy!

Gill:  everyone is called Gill or Mary…  …I don’t know why….

Wendy:  Even the Simons and Geoffs?

Simon:  What?

Geoff:  Leave me out of this.

Emergency exit from a Northern English office building. 

Using the helter skelter is an anytime activity, not reserved for emergencies. 

I didn’t check if there was a helipad on the roof for emergency entrances.

I accidentally deleted my blog database when trying to back it up.  

How silly is software that enables that accident?

CRAPPY CRAPPY CRAPPY SOFTWARE

My last back-up was Dec 17th.  All your lovely comments and my fabulous thoughts between now and then have just become a figment of our imaginative memories…

As a youngster I was unaware that my Bristol accent was amusing until I went to University where complete strangers with strange accents would ask me to sing Wurzels songs, say ‘Oooh AaarrrrhH’  and offer me cider.   I do know a few people that can handle a combine harvester….  ….I would quite like to drive a combine harvester, for fun…

The Wurzels sang ‘Combine Harvester’

The Wurzels sang ‘I am a cider drinker’

Since repatriating to the UK I have not been the lucky recipient of any spontaneous exclamations of ‘cute accent’.  It has been pointed out that I sound foriegn.  I attribute this ‘foriegn accent’ accusation to remnants of my regional, Bristol, burr.   It is possible that the following comment counts as an English equivalent of saying ‘cute accent’,  it is also possibly something different:

English person in open-plan office (EPIOO):  I heard your dulcet tones nearby and thought I’d take the opportunity to talk to you

Wendy:  Oh (signifying a double message of I wonder if that means cute accent? and what does the EPIOO want?)

says the Very Nice Lady (VNL) from the highways and drainage specialists at Reading Borough Council freephone information.

VNL:  if I don’t have any joy I’ll get back to you in just one second

Wendy: thankyou

VNL: I didn’t have any joy

Wendy:Oh

chap:  I have to smoke in bed,  I wake up at 3am every morning regulalr as clockwork just to have a fag

wendy: oh (signifying:  failure to segue effectively into another topic)

chap:  I can’t give up,  I have a fowl temper if I do (his hand is shaking as he scrunches his face while taking a long deep draw from his hand-rolled, warped, filterless cigarette)

wendy: oh (recalls him slamming doors, stamping his feet and throwing things all with a fag balanced in his mouth)  I’ve locked myself out,  got to go and pick-up my spare key.

chap:  do you want a lift?

wendy: no, I’m alright (signifying: no way am I getting in a car with a chap demonstrating signs of emotional instability)

chap: where are you going?

wendy: not far, bye  (signifying: no way am I letting this chap know where I store my spare house key)

chap: it’s not easy being a poof over 40

Wendy:  oh!  (signifying: suprise at being informed of sexual orientation)

chap: my boyfriend’s an artist,  he’s built like a brick shithouse, 6 foot 5, paints the same pictures again and again,  never makes any money, I’m getting tired of it.

Wendy: Oh  (signifying: the height is suprising)

chap: last night he smashed a chair on the bed right next to me

Wendy: OH  (signifying: violence is suprising and concerning)

chap:  he’s always been such a gentle giant before now, he says its my fault, but I don’t know what I’ve done

Wendy: oh (signifying: I am not qualified to help), I’m off to homebase to get some cheap loft insulation from the sale (signifying: BYE)