:: The Wendy House ::

Kevin the Canadian wonder plummber stopped by.  Some people have implied that my unreserved praise of Kevin may not be motivated by plumming necessities.  Heres a summary of our November rendezvous at The Wendy House:

1) 2 weeks ago to fix the hot water hose on my washing machine.

2) 1 week ago to fix the leaking bathroom sink plughole pipe.

3) this week to unblock the bathroom drain.

After unblocking the drain Kevin gave me, for free, his spare set of rods and tuition on how to unblock the drain myself.  Awesome,  with Kevins thoughtful tution I am gradually learning the basics of how to look after my home.  Kevins outstanding full service cost less than the basic call-out charge of any of the online drainage services.

says the Very Nice Lady (VNL) from the highways and drainage specialists at Reading Borough Council freephone information.

VNL:  if I don’t have any joy I’ll get back to you in just one second

Wendy: thankyou

VNL: I didn’t have any joy

Wendy:Oh

I had the pleasure of paying BT to listen to the Indesit messages below for a full 20 minutes before dropping the receiver with a thunk that ended the call.  A thunk not dissimilar to that made by my washing machine before it too resorted to silence….

…We are encountering an unusually high level of calls to our company, but are working to connect you shortly…

…thankyou for calling,  you call has been placed on hold and you will be attended to as soon as an operator becomes free…

…your call is important to us and we are attempting to connect you to the person or department you require…

…thankyou for your patience, we will connect you shortly…

…Our operators are aware that you are holding and wiull connect you as soon as possible…

…we apologise for the delay…

An email to Indesit support describing my problem resulted in them giving me this link to a list of their error codes.  Hmmmm….

For the luxury of John Lewis’s service I’m tempted to buy a new machine…

Words of wisdom from a personal grooming specialist, 

normally a hairdresser, 

mainly Alan the outrageously expensive and handsome, former professional-brick-layer, young product-dispensing hairdresser, and

occassionally Lucia the scissor happy hairdresser.   

This month Alan’s tip is bought to you courtesy of Lulu, a downtown Reading manicurist:

treat yourself,  buy a TV for christmas

Shop assistant (Sa):  have you got a [name] card?

Wendy:  No,  what type of card is it?

Sa: Its like a Nectar card

Wendy:  I don’t know what a nectar card is,  what type of card is it?

Sa: its like a Tesco’s card

Wendy:  I don’t know what a Tesco’s card is

Sa: raises eyebrows…

Wendy: is it a customer loyalty card?

Sa: yes…

I do enjoy a good list,  closely followed by that wonderful feeling of achievement that follows ticking things off lists, or striking them out as ‘done’.  I’ve found a list provided by the BBC,  a fabulolus service,  that lists shops and eateries in Reading that sell fairtrade goods.  How fabulous is that?!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/berkshire/features/2004/03/fairtrade_shops.shtml

I will tick-tell-myself off if I use any other Reading shops and cafes. Naughty girl. 

Hip Hip Hoorahs all round

Homebase Till Operator (HTO):  would you like me to help you carry this to you car?

Wendy:  I don’t have a car, or a fitness club subscription

HTO:  …

IT support:  hello,  this is [name] in Salt Lake city  (US Accent)

Wendy: Oh!  I hope its sunny in Salt Lake city

IT Support:  it’s 4am in the morning

Wendy:  Ah,  gosh,  well,  not sunny then,  I’ve got this problem…

[problem fixing conversation and Wendy starts falling asleep then wakes up when]

IT Support:  Wonkey,  I’m even talking British now,  wonkey

waiting room receptionist:  are you being seen to?

I had my cats ’seen to’ as a condition of adopting them from rescue centres.   

Wendy:  someone has been notified of my arrival

Cunningly avoiding providing information on the impending existence, or not, of my reproductory organs. 

Phew,  near miss!

Some snippits from recent cell-phone conversation with the fellow coordinating the builders (occassionally) working on The Wendy House kitchen roof replacement.

Wendy: not having a kitchen roof is very inconvenient.
Foreman: Not for me its not.

…

Wendy: so the slates will all be in place by end of day tomorrow?
Foreman: yes
Wendy: That’s Autumn!
Foreman: more like gruesome
…

Wendy: Cheerio
Foreman: Bye Darlin’

<long sentence warning, take a breath now>

Combat cleaning’s monthly stop-by to put their duster, vacuum, or wet-wipes in all those places that spiders congregate, to make sure that I don’t drown in the discarded natural insulation produced by the fluffballs, is a particularly pleasant luxury.   

<long sentence over, you can relax now>

Pleasant because they

• ask about the building work then giggle endearingly at the answer.  
• don’t complain when my tap (US = fawcett) handles fall-off (if twisted at the wrong angle) in their hands.
• take the drapes diving for the floor, because the super-glue holding the drape-hangers up just isn’t quite as super as the advertising would have me believe, in their stride.

The Wendy House kitchen is currently camping under canvas in the September rain,  ruthless.

Much to my surprise the self-mutilating builders turned-up.  I wasn’t expecting them because there have been more false starts than a particularly rusty old Fiat Panda on a frosty morning.

On a website called ars technica Joel Hruska points out that a Lloyds bank employee took offense at a customers online banking password ‘Lloydispants‘ then changed the password to ‘noitsnot’ .  When the customer tried to change the password again the Lloyds employee told the customer that several, slightly insulting to Lloyds, suggested passwords were also unacceptable. 

On discovering this story Lloyds officials declared that customers can have any secure password they want and added that the employee in question is no longer with them. 

With that pluck and sense of humour Lloyds should have promoted the employee into a position of influence.

Wendy:  Can I have my washing machine damaged phone replaced please?

insurance agent (IA): what time did this happen?

Wendy: about 7.30pm

IA: how was it put into the machine?

Wendy:  it was in the breast pocket of a fleece jacket,  I had checked the side pockets and forgotten to check the breast pocket

IA: was it in a large load or just a single item being washed?

Wendy: scooped up in a large load just after I came home from work,  I took it off and put it in with the load

IA:  When did you notice?

Wendy:  I heard a strange clunking coming from my washing machine immediately and thought,  oh dear,  sounds like I need to get my washing machine looked at.  About an hour later I needed to make a phone call and realised what had happened.  After and hour in the washing machine I decided to wait for the cycle to finish.  Then got the phone out,  took the back off and dried it with a hair-dryer then plugged it into the power supply.  Nothing,  no lights on the phone,  nothing.

IA:  did you try later?

Wendy:  yes,  about 2 days later I plugged it in again,  no lights.

The day after laundering my phone I trundled along to the Orange store where I loitered with the other customers who stood and waited. I listened to a lady being attended get gradually more agitated with the assistant as she learned that the assistant could not retrieve her phone contacts

“but those are my business contacts’‘

The assistant frowned,  her companion said they could try and use the home computer to try and retrieve the contacts from the SIM.  She appeared inconsolable,  her voice gradually raising as she made it clear that she had no back-up of these vital contact numbers, no way of even telling people that she had lost their numbers.  Tension, amongst those who only stood and waited, grew.   

As time passed the bald fellow in black gradually became more agitated, shifting his weight, checking his watch, glaring at the busy assistants. After about 10 minutes a new assistant joined the beleaguered pair on the floor.  She looked at me stood by the desk and I pointed her to the bald man in black.  An inaudible conversation between them, lasted less than a minute before I heard him loudly announce

“you clearly aren’t interested in what I have to say so I’m going elsewhere” 

He marched out of the store, the assistant stood watching him for a moment then came over to me. She was clearly upset…

Assitant:that was so embarrassing, he said I was spaced-out, that I wasn’t listening to him,  that I wasn’t even trying to help, he was so rude.

Wendy: he’d been waiting a very long time.  We all have.

Assistant: but that doesn’t give him the right to be rude to me.

Wendy: no. it doesn’t.

Assistant:  (continues to enumerate all the ways that the bald man had treated her inappropriately while she tests my SIM in another phone and finds me a cheap replacement and back-up phone)

I left happy,  SIM intact,  cheap-new phone,  my phone numbers previously backed-up on Darling and my work-supplied computer.  There are times when tendancies towards geekyness make my life so much easier than those people who have not ventured into the pain that can be involved insynchronising their phone contents with their computers

wandering through an empty mall, alone,  wearing fitted jeans and t-shirt, I stopped at the information centre for some vital information:

Wendy:  Excuse me,  can you tell me where the restrooms are?  (Soprano voice)

I still haven’t sufficiently re-adjusted to England to actually say the word ‘toilet’ out loud in a public place without sniggering.

Mall Information lady (MIL):  Toilets?

Wendy:  Yes (smiles, manages not to giggle)

MIL:  Womens? (no hint of a smile,  a stern facial expression)

Wendy:                     …..Yes?…   (stops smiling and listens to the directions from the seemingly grumpy looking MIL)

The Ladies toilets were next to the mens toilets.  The directions to find either of them were the same.  Why do you think the MIL wanted to establish with me whether I was asking for womens or mens toilets? 

My outline form in said Jeans and a t-shirt (flickr photoshare)

Excerpt from BBC article:

A woman who was seen being punched by a police officer in CCTV footage has said she is disappointed after it was confirmed he will not face charges.

Punching a female suspect (guilt undetermined) five times while the suspect is on the floor after having fallen down a flight of stairs, while colleagues watch, is legally acceptable according to the ‘Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC)’ who stated that the police officer being investigated used

“justified and proportionate force”  

Watch the BBC video footage which includes a brief explanation of legitimate subdue techniques that include punching.  I had naively believed that the Police are trained to act in concert to restrain suspects using a range of effective techniques prior to resorting to punching.  

The BBC article is at pains to state that the victim boes not think she has been racially abused.  Unsuprisingly, whether this is an act of hate against females is not raised.

Builder: you must want to shoot me,  let me explain …[5 minutes creative explanation]

I wonder why he assumed I would choose a gun in a country who’s weapon of choice this summer is the knife.  That aside,  his cute Reading accent,  entertaining excuses,  with the lack of urgency for the renovations made the whole situation mildly amusing.  

Removing the darkness and the dampness

The helpful builders

when they turn-up*

will replace the original, rotting, leaky, kitchen roof 

The roof does provide a home for many forms of damp-loving wildlife,  most notably moss,  but I’ll be sacrificing thier habitat for a dry kitchen with sky-light. 

Luxury!

* an English colleague has informed me that ‘not turning up on schedule’ is the sign of a highly professional English builder. 

A castle isn’t complete without a moat. 

In April I booked builders to install a moat in June.  In mid july I haven’t yet seen them. 

Without a moat how can the Wendy House remain defended from being undermined?

In paper letters English service providers have more than once assumed that I am a ’sir’.   Yet another example of the multiple daily affirmations of womans’ ‘in’ and ‘out’ of approved place.  

This is the first letter that has assumed that I am actually a group of men.  The letter is from Her Majesties Customs and Revenue (HMCR).  It is addressed to an accountancy company who are trying to complete my tax returns.  It was sent to my home address rather than the accountants address.  The person dealing with my tax return is a woman,  not a group of men.  I am disappointed, sadly not suprised, that the default assumption for letter addressing here in England appears to be - if you do not know a persons gender assume male rather than use the addressees personal or company name.

In the letter HMRC ask why I want to make a self-assessed tax return.  If they can’t get my gender and single status correct,  they cant get my name matched with my address,  and my accountants name matched with her address,  they haven’t given me confidence in their ability to accurately complete the complex mathematical calculations necessary to estimate how much tax I should pay them.   

Completing a self-assessment is a double-check of HMCR calculations. 

windows support answer to my query

No curmudgeonist moments for me today.

In less than a 24hr turnaround I got a response that was concise and useful.  I also tried to report my ‘bug’ to Google,  I couldn’t find a way to report it,  I used their ‘questions’ section and,  to my knowledge, no-one replied. 

in less than one hour of excited pre-holiday preparation I called the:

• credit card company to check on how to deal with a lost or stolen card while out of England and gave them the dates and location of my travel to make sure they didn’t cancel my card when used in GREECE.
• medical insurance company to verify my coverage and what I should do when I fall over in GREECE.
• home insurance company to order a copy of my policy and check on what’s covered if taken out of the country (to GREECE) and find out if I need to replace my locks*.
• Water authority** to check some billing details.
• mumzie to let her know that I’m ok,  haven’t fallen over today,  yet and I will be safe when abroad.

* Apparantly, my contents are insufficiently valuable for them to require that I upgrade the Wendy House stable-door bolts.

** This has nothing to do with my HOLIDAY,  but I was on a roll with the phone-calling and wanted to keep the momentum going.

burring-bring….

buurrrrrrring-bring……..

Buuuuurrrrrrrrinnnng-bring………………

Wendy:  HellooooOOHH,  Wendy speaking,  how can I help you?

Automated message (AM):  This is Lloyds Bank calling to leave a message for [name of last occupant of the Wendy house, nolootwh],  if you are [nolootwh] press any key

Wendy: (not being nolootwh I pressed no keys and waited in the silence pondering what to do next,   after what seemed like days I decided to press any key out of sheer noseyness)

AM:  please call (number I didn’t write down and can’t remember,  then silence,  I waited a few minutes then I hung up and searched the internet to discover why Lloyds were using such an odd method of contacting their customers.  They aren’t,  this was a phishing call)

The Foriegn and Commonwealth Office (FCO) provides helpful advice for British travellers.  In a weekend moment of pragmetism I checked-out the FCO advise for travellers to Greece.  They report that of the 3 million British people that visit Greece in a year. 

main types of incident for which British nationals required consular assistance in Greece in 2007 were: replacing lost or stolen passports (nearly 500 cases); hospitalisations (over 400 cases); dealing with arrests and detentions (over 270 cases); and deaths, mostly from natural causes (over 140 cases).

You should maintain high standards of public behaviour in Greece.  The Greek police will not accept rowdy or indecent behaviour, especially where excessive alcohol consumption is involved.  Greek courts impose heavy fines or prison sentences on people who behave indecently.

Hoorah! 

Can we borrow some of these Greek Police?

Once I’ve applied for a free ‘European Health Insurance Card’ (EHIC) I will be entitled to medical treatment and services in Greece equivalent to those provided to Greek Nationals.  Splendid.  Though the FCO aren’t to impressed with the service standards compared to the NHS,  they caution ‘The standards of nursing and after care, particularly in the public health sector lag behind what is normally acceptable in the UK. The Public Ambulance Service, which will normally respond to any accident, is rudimentary.  There are severe shortages of ambulances on some islands.’

The Scottish NHS,  thats not English or Welsh,  publishes vaccination and travel health advice.  I’m assuming that the Scottish advice would align with the English so I’m covered. 

Excitedness levels are still Amber.

Feeling pleased with myself for first discovering how to create a useful survey in Microsoft Office Sharepoint 2003,  then created one,  I finally sent a link out to some colleagues asking for feedback on the survey content. 

Colleague:  Do you want feedback on all the typing, spelling, grammar and spacing errors?

 The words ‘wind’ and ’sails’, (or sales),  with a liberal dose of ‘removed’  colons; semi-colons, commas and apostrophes galloped around my mind as I wondered whether ‘discrete personal editorial coaches’ is a job description gaining momentum in the service industry …

A new, imitiation, old phone arrived to replace the genuine 1930’s BT compliant phone that somehow disappeared during my relocation.  When plugged into my phone socket,  no dial tone,  it didn’t work. The BT support operative was extremely helpful as she talked me through various in-house tests then finally succumbed to a request to send an engineer around.  The engineer was scheduled to arrive sometime between 8am and 1pm.  at 12.58 I recieved a phonecall from him to say he was only streets away.  He turned up and then disappeared again for 2hrs. 

Apparantly he’d tracked my problem to a green box outside Palmers park. 

He explained this was human error

its always human error

the technology works fine

people are stupid. 

Can you see any problems in this reasoning?   

The free Thames Valley Park bus service is outstanding.  It not only provides free wireless internet access,  it also provides signs to let you know where the internet access might be a bit buggy.

BT Support Engineer:  Mrs. House…

Wendy:  …my mother isn’t here

BT Support Engineer:  can I talk to her?

Wendy:  I don’t see why,  its my phone,  my home,  my internet connection and I’m 44,  why do you need to talk to my mother?

BT Support Engineer:  Ms. House?

Wendy:  Yes?

Words of wisdom from my outrageously expensive and handsome young product-dispensing hairdresser:

“I picked up a newer model of my current phone,  after one night’s use the pictures were terrible,  all fuzzy.  I took the phone back and they said they couldn’t exchange it because it was working probably properly*,  I asked what should I do? and they said,  Vodaphone support said, change to another service provider they even recommended one!”

He certainly knows a thing or thirty-two about almost everything.

*editted multiple times post-publication to remove the superfluous, random, and just darn wanton spelling mistakes

I’m just going to put you on hold while I reboot my computer,  it will be quicker

I fell off my chair with stomach rippling laughter.  Clearly I’d misinterpretted the true meaning of  ’hold’