wendy house

Fabulously orange brick dust swirls around the wendy house and out the open windows and doors.

The builder wears a facemask as he powerhammers through the brickwork to widen the fireplace enough to to fit the woodburner.  He lends his oversized hammer to the gasman removing the supply to the fireplace.

Gasman “The conservatory wasn’t here when I last came round, how long have you been here?”

wendy “2 years”

Gasman “Did you buy the place from Claudia?”

wendy “Yes, she added the conservatory around 5 years ago”

It feels like all the service providers that come to my home have been here before and remember the previous owners.  Very homely local feel.  The gas man took a while to sit with me on the K2 snowboard garden bench, enjoy the spring sunshine in the garden, talk about what a lovely secret spot it is and how the kitchen skylight has transformed the kitchen.

I like that people like the wendy house, so far that seems to be everyone who visits. NICE!

Ordering food in a pub while sat on a stool at the bar, during the Wales-Scotland six nations match

wendy: can I have a burger?

publican: I’m not serving food

wendy: When I came in I asked,  And the man who gave me the menu said that you are serving food

publican: well those guys want to eat too so I suppose I could put the oven on

publican: is there just you?

wendy: I came in alone,  is that alright?

publican: where are you sitting?

wendy: here, is that alright?

I wasn’t made to feel welcome, until I left to a wave of hearty cheerios

drinker: how much is that?

publican: a nicker

drinker: how much is that?

publican: a nicker (giggles), a pound to you

The wendy house has spent 4 years together with wordpress. This is one of the longer technology-service relationships that I’ve participated in. 

Still feels good

Happy valentines day

brrrrrrriiiiiiiinnng brrrrrrriiiiiiiinnng

wendy house:  Hello!

BT operative (BT-OH!):  Hello,  is Mr or Mrs House available

wendy house: my parents don’t live here

BT-OH!: Do you pay the bills?

wendy: Are you selling me something?

BT-OH: this phone number is a BT phone number and we have a special offer on Broadband

Phone sales people often want to talk to my mother, dad or to-be-arranged-husband.  It will be sad when my reply is ‘my parents are dead’ until then it’s mildly comical.

British Gas sent a comedy duo round to deal with my Sparky sockets, 

The conversation quickly turned from morbid diagnstic

British Gas Electician (BGE):  how do you know this socket is the problem?

Wendy: the cascade of sparks that came out of it when the fuse blew

BGE: what time of day was this?

Wendy: dusk

BGE: Sparks always look worse in the dark.  Oh, now THAT is BLACK!  Simon,  come and look at this

Simon: You wouldn’t BELIEVE some of the things we see….

BGE: the socket’s not earthed

Simon: Once we went into this house where…

British Gas sent a comedy duo round to deal with my Sparky sockets. 

British Gas Electician (BGE):  My cat died yesterday,  he was 15,

Wendy: Matrix is 15

BGE: he looks it

Wendy:  (silence)

shingle, shingle, shingle, I hear footsteps on the Wendyhouse approach as I walk to the gate to put my handful of weeds into the garden waste recycle bin.  The gate opens

Sky Rep:  Oh my,  you’re not supposed to come to the gate to meet me

Wendy: coincidence (waving my hand of groundsel, grass and dandelions before placing them in the bin)

Sky rep: I’m from Sky,  do you have freeview or anything like that?

Wendy: I have freesat

Sky rep: OOOO,  Baby sky!  Would you be interested in more channels?

Wendy: I’m very happy with the free service, I rarely watch the channels that I have…

Sky rep:  OH,  you’re one of THEM

He closes gate and shingles aways while I wonder what ‘one of them’ means….

Not train line

BT phone line

The Wendy House was positively brrrrrrringing  with the noise when I cam home.  The cats were hiding in cupboards.  Poor tortured fluffballs.  Emotionally scared and scarred.

I lifted the reciever,  the noise continued in a muted form. 

 I tried to ring BT.  Hah!  Then used my mobile phone.  My mobile phone service plan (t-mobile) charges me for the free-phone number.   

Unlike trainline faults,  BT didn’t feel the need to apologise, and offered a reimbursement of less financial value than the cost of their line being faulty.  In the spirit of sharing feel free to experience a snippit of the BT pain by listening to this….

Windows Vista provides problem reports and solutions. That  is helpful for people who want to try and fix something now, cheaply.  We don’t have to pay for a service specialist or spend hours fiddling in the depths of the control panel. This is quite nice of them.  Or is it? 

All Neverland’s 169 reported problems are atribbuted to Windows rather than other applications.  Should I be alarmed by Windows?  Or, iIs this because other programs don’t use the Windows problem reporting system or is it because Windows has an infinitely higher problem rate? 

On planet wendy there are no problem reportsbecause the program causing the problem would receive the report, fix it then make me a cup of tea and compliment me on my choice of frock.

In the UK an MP’s income is a salary plus expenses ‘necessarily incurred for the performance of a Member’s parliamentary duties’ .  MP’s understanding of expenses appears to be equivalent to my notion of a salary, that is,  spent on anything that supports your preferred lifestyle.  Expenses have been paid to conservative MPs to cover moat cleaning,  buying chandaliers, mending tennis-court water-pipes, Piano tuning,  gardening,  Island homes for ducks,  changing lightbulbs, and swimming-pool servicing.  

Newspapers covering the Bill Cash expenses exposure have avoided commenting on his name,  so I’ll avoid it too.

Wendy: t-mobile’s colours are almost the same as HMV’s  – pink and black

t-mobile assistant: Magenta

Wendy: Oh (signifying recognition that the assistant’s correction was blunt),  I’m sorry,  is Magenta a technical term for pink?

t-mobile assistant:  There’s been an SQL error entering your details,  I don’t know what SQL is but its not your fault.  

Wendy: Sequal Server? Maybe it needs a t-mobile technical specification,  like magenta instead of pink? 

In some circumstances computer systems can deliberately stop people from making ‘Errors’.  This is an example of a system preventing the people that use it from making ‘errors’ by trying to do rather useful things:  

Wendy:  can I move the car insurance start date back by one week?

Car Insurance Agent (CIA):  No

Wendy:  Oh (signifying complete suprise at this rude treatment of a potential non-customer)

CIA:  you will have to cancel the whole policy and then open a completely new one with a different start date

Wendy:  Computer system makes you do that?  It wont let you just change start dates?

CIA:  Yes

It took us 30 minutes to cancel,  then re-apply for the same car insurance with a different start date.  2 sets of documents are in the post.  

Wendy:  Are you from Hull?

CIA:  Leeds,  its quite near to Hull

Good weather in Leeds.

Stopping at the AA approved dealership with the low mileage Mini One D for sale:

Sales:  there’s virtually no difference between the old and new model Mini D’s,  except the styling and I prefer the styling in the old model. 

Wendy:  they have different Engines,  the old one is a Toyota Yaris,  I don’t know what the new one is.  A different engine seems like a significant difference.

Sales: Coopper Diesel has a Peugeot engine

Wendy:  My last car in the UK was a 5yr old Peugeot 309  1.9 Diesel in 1992, an awesome Engine, the car took me for 46,ooo miles in 1 yr with nothing other than standard wear and tear.

Sales: [silence]

Later,  while driving the Mini

Wendy:  that is a VERY clunky gearbox, 

Sales:  is it? 

Wendy:  No I was lying to get the price down, have you actually drivien this car?  its clearly clunky

Later,  on the forecourt after no beverage has been offered and no-one has asked to take my name, phone number,  other contact details or manage the conversation:

Wendy:  what sort of discount would you give me for having no car to trade-in part exchange?

Sales:  none

Wendy: what sort of discount would you give me if I could arrange a cash purchase

Sales:  none

Wendy:  do you actually want to sell this car,  I know its been on your books for at least 3 weeks

Sales: we can’t get enough good quality second hand cars,  with the recession the second hand business is good

Wendy:  I’ll look at the other Mini’s on my list and talk to the dealers and might get back to you if this one is still a possibility

Wendy:  Hello

AA Approved Car Dealership Sales Person (Sales):  Hello

Wendy:  My name’s Wendy and I’m interested in the used Diesel Mini advertised on your website.

Sales: Yes

Wendy:  It has suprisingly low mileage, do you know why?

Sales: The owner has 4 other cars and spends most of their time abroad,  its mainly sat in their garage, its in excellent condition.  I’ve known them for 25 years.

Wendy: Oh (signifying impressed by people with sufficient funds to buy a car to store it)  could I book a time to test drive it?

Sales: Yes

Wendy:  I live 21 miles away, in Reading

Sales: If you tell me when you arrive I can pick you up from the local train station

Wendy: to catch a train I’d have to go into London and then come out again,  it would take more than 90 minutes, and at least 2 train rides.  Could you possibly bring the car over to Reading?

Sales: No, we don’t do that

Wendy: Oh (signifying suprise at the sales person’s lack of conversational charm or any effort put into actually attempting sell the car)

Sales: we can’t leave the office unstaffed. 

Wendy:  I can get there on (date/time) would that work for a test drive?

Sales:  Are you interested in buying it then?

Wendy:  No, I just fancied a day trip out and a free drive in someoneelses second hand mini for the hell of it

Wendy:  yes

WES©™:  Wendy Experience Scale*

What is this?

This is a tool for assessing product and services experiences.  The tool uses a questionnaire developed with the help of Excel and 84 pots of tea.  The WES ©™ can be administered to any Wendy that uses a product or service that you want to assess.  The WES ©™ will tell you whether that product or service meets the stringent, to be published, Wendy International Standard of Experiences (WISE).  Unlike assessment tools such as the SUS which focuses merely on usability with Likert scales**,  the WES©™  focusses on product and service relevant experiences including usability with 9 semantic differential scales*** .   The scales tap into the following experiences:

1. Fabulousness
2. Aesthetics – Visuals
3. Fitness for purpose
4. Financial value
5. Aesthetics – Tactility
6. Usability
7. Complexity
8. Engagement
9. Predictability****

 Also known as ‘ FAFFAUCEP’  (pronounced faff-Oh-sep)

The WES ©™ is currently in a Beta release stage and is available for use* by product and service developers on condition that they ask advance permission and provide me with a full report of the product, service, assessment conducted including the results which will be used to build the WISE standards.

Administering the WES ©™

Let a common all garden Wendy use your product or service to complete a common task that it was designed to enable.  Provide a unbroken supply of tea during use.  Observe the Wendy complete the task collecting usability style observational data.  When the Wendy has completed the task,  or given up provide her with a copy of the WES©™ and ask her to mark an X on the line between each pair of experience descriptors that indicates her experience on this continuum.  There is a practice item that you should encourage the Wendy to complete then discuss her answer to make sure that she understands how to use the scale.   As the Wendy completes the scale ask her to describe examples that have lead to her reporting this experience.  This information will be extremely useful for either developing marketting materials or deciding what to change to improve the experience.

Below is an example of a WES©™ completed by my marking X’s on each scale item describing my experience of my wireless radio.  You can make your own practice scale that covers some dimension of the Wendys or the product being assessed.  In the example below the practice item asks about whether the Wendy considers the product a worthy conversation piece.

Practice by identifying where you are on this scale:

Where is the Wireless Radio on these scales?:

Analysing WES©™ Results:

Allocate the location maked on the line with a weighting number between 1 and 10.  

For even number questions the weightings increase towards the left,  for odd number questions the weightings increase towards the right.   Sum all the weightings.    The total possible score is 90.  Higher scores indicate better Experiences. 

Coding the example provided above looks like this

 Total score = 62/90 = 69%

The average of multiple WES©™ scores can be used to provide overall Experience score for the product. 

The  normalisation data to enable comparision across different products and services and  indicate the value of the score relative to a benchmark will be published as part of WISE.  Note that without the normalisation data it is possible that all procucts receive scores in the 80’s (a roof effect) or below 20 (a floor effect).   Our expert, on-site, Wendy (me) recommends that prior to the publication of WISE we should assume that any score under 60 is at best a mediocre product or service and any score under 45 is an experience that should be avoided.

For in depth analysis each item should be verified with the observational measures taking during the use phase and the comments made by the Wendy’s when completing the questionnaire. 

In this example we can clearly see that the tactile aesthetics (score = 5) provided the biggest opportunity for improving Wendy’s experience.  Wendy talked about the radio being a bit too big to put in her pocket,  she liked the bouncy rubber bits but all the little buttons were a bit too small and pointy to enjoy pressing them,  she prefers rubber-buttons (who doesn’t?!) and the industrial-safety feel for portable.  

Next Steps

The WES©™ development team haven’t decided whether to gather normalisation data on the vo version, refine the item labels before collecting normalisation data or just chuck the semantic differential format and develop WES©™ (v1) based on a creatively cunning perverison of Kelly’s Repertory Grid technique. 

* Use is permitted by prior agreement with the inventor (me,  Wendy!)

** the linguistically pedantic should note that Likert scales tend to use split infinitives such as ’strongly agree’ which can irritate those completing the scale undermining its efficacy in cases where people choose not to select any options that include split infinitives for purely curmudgeonly reasons.  This makes the scale unreliable for responses from educated people from Yorskhire.

*** The semantic differential is based on the assumption that everyone interprests the scales in the same way.  Unfortunately,  this assumption is not true rendering the WES©™ useless to anyone other than Wendy.

**** For some products or services predicatability is not a positive experience quality (e.g. games).  Administrators are advised to either scope the item to refer to the service or product controls. 

This is a summary page from a UK Equifax credit report on me.  Accurate and incomplete.    

Equifax credit assessment covers 6 years in the UK,  US excluded .  Having been resident in the UK for just over one year  means that I don’t have a visible credit history for 6 years. 

I was unpleasantly suprised that neither my recent UK Morgage  nor credit card payment history were evident in the report. 

I requested a copy of my credit report online and received an email confirming receipt of the request:

Your incident has been successfully received

A request is a subset of incident?  Successfully received as oppose to received unsuccessfully?  Do humans really write this stuff?  How long does it take those humans to loose the skill of communicating with people as if they are people rather than logical systems.  

I will take to using this language whenever anyone asks me for something…

Wendy House guest:  can I have another mug of that yummy Earl Gey?

Wendy: your incident has been successfully recieved.  Version 2 tea will be downloaded from the pot then installed in your waterproof receptical.  Do not unplug your enthusiasm or press the ‘I’ve changed my mind’ button.

Occassionally I enjoy a wee excursion to a local high street bank.  Today was one of those special days

Wendy: are you concerned about your job security? the news says there will be redundancies in your bank…

Finacial Specialist (FiSp):  NO!  I’m not worried,  we haven’t done anythong wrong, customer facing staff like me are doing a good job its the managers, people earning over 60K that are going to be made redundant, at least that’s what they’re telling us.

She continued with this perky attitude that  lacked discernable compassion while telling her stories of the credit crunch

FiSp:  I had one 82 year old in tears here yesterday,  her pension has been ruined by the fall in interest rates.

Her advice to me was:

FiSp:  In October we had 6 investment products,  in December we had 4, now we only have 2,  if you don’t invest now there may not be any products left.

Hairdresser Business Owner (HBO): you’ve been in before haven’t you?

Wendy: yes, only once several months ago,  its grown a lot and kept a very good shape, it was a good cut

HBO: yes,  I remember. Lucia, the Phillipino lady, cut your hair really short.  She’s in the Phillipines as the moment,  she owns a bed and breakfast there and its their peak season,  its alright for some!

HBO: your scalp is a bit sensitive,  do you have a stressful job?

Wendy: (giggles) Sort of because…(unpublishable)

While the assistant washes my way-past-its-cut-by-date mop the HBO checks her records. 

HBO: you came in here last September, no wonder its grown so much

Wendy: I’m impressed that you recognised me

We talked about her business,  she hasn’t been hit by the credit crisis because ‘everyone needs a haircut’  and her business has been established for over 9 years.  We both agreed that we liked Reading a lot because of the nice people we’ve met here.  She was born in Reading,  studied in London with Vidal Sassoon,  travelled the world then came back to Reading to set-up her business. 

It’s the best haircut I’ve had in over a decade. 

I’m a very happy bunny

Wendy: Hello

Car rental person (CRP): Hello Wendy

Wendy: Oh (signifying surprise)!  you remember my name,  that is impressive, I’ve only been in once

CRP: It took me a moment (smiles)

While booking the car I ponder on why this chap should remember my first name and decide that it must be because I am slightly different from his other customers.  For example, when I picked up the last car I was fascinated about the business and wendy-terviewed him about how it worked (type of clients, size and make-up of fleet etc).  This kind of interest in the workings of a car rental business is probably unusual from renters and he clearly enjoyed demonstrating his knowledge.

CRP:  that’s the last car available, I’m glad you wanted it

Wendy: good to hear that your whole fleet is in use during a recession

CRP:  the fleet is much smaller than last time you visited,  we’ve streamlined.  We got rid of the Hondas.

I continued to Wendy-terview him about how the recession is impacting his business.   The irresponsible behaviour of the *ankers touches everybody in so many ways.

Words of wisdom from a specialist*.  This tip is about industrial strength white cotton bedding and is bought to you courtesy of the outstanding sales staff in Frere Jacksons Linens and haberdashery department:

Iron them while they are damp because its impossible to get the creases out once they’re dry.

I don’t plan to follow this tip because Ironing is a theoretical concept I’ve not yet fully grasped.

* past tips provided by Alan the hairdresser.  Lucia the hairdresser, an anonymous manicurist and Reading Police

 I explain my computer problem to IT Support  Guy (SG) and ask if the two separate support teams dealing with my problem can talk to each other directly, rather than use me as a tennis ball, sort my problem out then contact me when its fixed.   Support guy is unsure and needs to investigate whether this is possible.

8 minutes of twangy music later:

SG:  I’m sorry for having left you on hold for over 2 minutes, I’m going to have to put you on hold for another couple of minutes, can you put me on speaker phone?

Wendy: I’m in an open plan office, the people near me might not like the twangy music. 

8 minutes of twangy music later:

SG:  I’m sorry for keeping you on hold so long, I’m going to have to escalate this to tier 2 support, hang on a while…

8 minutes of listening to typing on the phone later:

SG:  I have escalated this to Tier 2 they will phone you later

About 15 minutes later tier-2 phoned me to tell me the problem was fixed. 

Hoorah,  no twangy music, no hold, no extra questions.  I like tier-2.

This weekend Kevin popped around with his supped-up white van and extensive De-Walt toolkit.  Kevin replaced the stop cock under the kitchen sink,  replaced a couple of washers,  showed me his toolkit and van customisations, offered me a half-price radiator, discussed replacing my kitchen, explained about the Canadian plummer training system,  and told me about his courtcase against a tap manufacturer because their tap design is just so silly it breaks within 6 months and he’d installed 26 of them in a rich client’s house. 

Kevins weekly visits are definitely one of life’s luxuries.

The combination boiler rattles in the kitchen,  warming water and pumping it around the Wendy House 5 radiators. 

Outside,  water on the patio has already frozen.  Temperatures of minus 3 centigrade are predicted tonight.

Inside, the radiator-free kitchen releases a trickle of water from beneath the kitchen units.  A leaking pipe?  A phone call to Kevin. 

I discover that the mobile phone service doesn’t work when my head and mobile phone are both in the cupboard under the chilly kitchen sink while I try to answer Kevin’s questions,  to determine how many millimetres thick are the pipes that lead to and from my suspiciously rusty stop-tap.  

Will the pipes survive the predicted below freezing temperatures of the night?  Stay tuned for the leaky-pipe fly-on-the-wall,  phone-under-the-sink, real life potential plumbing drama.

while waiting for a train

wendy: a medium sized mocha please

cashier: £2.45

Wendy Hands over the cash and waits

barista:  medium Latte

Wendy:  is that for me?  I ordered a mocha,  are you making a mocha next?

barista: I don’t have an order for a mocha

man in queue behind me:  actually, you ordered a Latte

Wendy:  checks receipt,  it clearly states Mocha £2.45, shows receipt to man in the queue behind me to verify that I remembered correctly, checks cost of Latte (£2.35)

cashier:  she did order a mocha

train pulls into station

Wendy:  I’ll take the Latte, keep the tip 

Kevin the Canadian wonder plummber stopped by.  Some people have implied that my unreserved praise of Kevin may not be motivated by plumming necessities.  Heres a summary of our November rendezvous at The Wendy House:

1) 2 weeks ago to fix the hot water hose on my washing machine.

2) 1 week ago to fix the leaking bathroom sink plughole pipe.

3) this week to unblock the bathroom drain.

After unblocking the drain Kevin gave me, for free, his spare set of rods and tuition on how to unblock the drain myself.  Awesome,  with Kevins thoughtful tution I am gradually learning the basics of how to look after my home.  Kevins outstanding full service cost less than the basic call-out charge of any of the online drainage services.

says the Very Nice Lady (VNL) from the highways and drainage specialists at Reading Borough Council freephone information.

VNL:  if I don’t have any joy I’ll get back to you in just one second

Wendy: thankyou

VNL: I didn’t have any joy

Wendy:Oh

I had the pleasure of paying BT to listen to the Indesit messages below for a full 20 minutes before dropping the receiver with a thunk that ended the call.  A thunk not dissimilar to that made by my washing machine before it too resorted to silence….

…We are encountering an unusually high level of calls to our company, but are working to connect you shortly…

…thankyou for calling,  you call has been placed on hold and you will be attended to as soon as an operator becomes free…

…your call is important to us and we are attempting to connect you to the person or department you require…

…thankyou for your patience, we will connect you shortly…

…Our operators are aware that you are holding and wiull connect you as soon as possible…

…we apologise for the delay…

An email to Indesit support describing my problem resulted in them giving me this link to a list of their error codes.  Hmmmm….

For the luxury of John Lewis’s service I’m tempted to buy a new machine…