wendy house

Forty-eighth post in a Wednesday  series where Wendy fails to meet  someone that  drives singleness out of the House

Reason #48: uninvolved

 When I saw the title of this book,   I suspected that I needed a book on  how to ‘get things done when people are involved’ because:

Firstly,   I have noticed that people can stop me from getting things done.   For example,   the bus driver stopped me from driving my car,   the lady in the Diner stopped me from cooking my breakfast,   and other more shocking things

Secondly, being single is being uninvolved so this book might help me to get involved.    

Meetings  are much more complicated than I realised.

forty-seventh post in a Wednesday series highlighting some of the pollutants that promote Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 47: emissions tested

Wendys can produce unfiltered, untested balderdash. In Washington State gas emissions are subject to production constraints and testing, but alas, not Wendy’s balderbash. Boys ill-equipt with their own balderdash filtering mechnaism are unlikely to survive pre-dating balderbash emissions.

forty-sixth post in a Wednesday series  highlighting some of the messages that direct Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 46:    wrong way moose

I have never been inside one of these big Moose buildings.   I’m curious about the happenings within.   But, just as curiosity bites, a serendipitously placed road sign tells me this is the wrong way.    

forty-fifth post in a Wednesday series  highlighting some of the trivial reasons that all add up to explaining  Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 45:    not scared of garden spiders

They’re cute,   they are fluffy,   they entertain the fluffballs,   they catch buzzy irritating flies and weave beautiful webs.   What is not to like about them?   All this ‘scream’ & be pathetic over tiny little garden spiders is a construction of the feminine that somehow didn’t work its way passed my sensible judgement but may have done a confident spider-remover out of a boyfriend job.

forty-forth post in a Wednesday series  detailing the technical basis of Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 44:    untechnical nails

My nails do not protrude beyond the tips of fingers,   they are not coloured,   they are not technical.   If my eyes pause on a persons  nails that protrude beyond the end of the finger I immediately guess that this person is

• dexterous
• not a brain surgeon
• disabled
• noisey, if using a keyboard
• a woman

This advert arrived in the Wendy House to remind me that I can save 20% in my unceasing quest to achieve clean, professional, femaleness:

forty-third post in a Wednesday series  detailing the fluffy contributions to  Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 43:    natural fluffines

I was 17 when I realised that some adult females shave their legs.  

It was a hot summer day in the  sixth form  between classes.    A new girl in the school had almost transclucent skin and  bleached hair cut to look like Kim Wilde whom she resembled.    Her legs were covered in   black stubble,   like George Michaels permanent  5 o’clock shadow.      The hair on my legs was more sparse than her stubble.    Being  unshorn rather than root-stump,    my leg hair  was soft in a downy  fluff,    pleasant to touch.   My fluff gently faded in the  summer sun.    My leg, armpit and head  fluff  coincidentally resembled that of another fabulous adult female,   Patti Smith.

I remember the moment clearly because I felt so stupid for not having known that this is expected in  some constructions of feminity.   Maintianing an illusion of  pre-pubescent, child,   hair levels.   I wonder if any USA post-pubescent females, other than  Patti Smith, dare demonstrate this natural fluff in public.

forty-second post in a Wednesday series  detailing the illnesses that cause Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 42:    shopping allergy

Shopping is defined as either:

• time spent in shops, physical or online, with the  intent to purchase.   Unlike the Wikipedia definition of shopping this definition does not require making a purchase as a necessary outcome of  the shopping process.   Intent to purchase something is suffcient.
• Purchasing.   In this case you can be in the shop,   physical or online, without the intent to purchase.   An impuls purchase  converts the pre-shopping activity temporarily into full-blown shopping.  

In an advanced consumerist society owning a shopping allergy is  just darn  inconsiderate,  but then so  are the hyperventilating or temper tantrums that shopping can induce in a Wendy.   Luckily,   singleness  provides major relief by enabling me to minimize and sometimes avoid typical couple-shopping trips to places like  IKEA,  garden centres, DIY shops.    For reasons that are completely unclear music and book shopping  are not included in my allergy.

forty-first post in a Wednesday series  detailing the etiology of   Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 41:    hot darling

The virtues of darling are difficult to match:      

• doesn’t sulk
• no snoring at night
• warms the bed for me
• doesn’t frown when Flat Eric comes out to play    
• is always awake in the morning to join me for a cup of tea  
• is always awake at night when I get in to join me for a beer  
• doesn’t drink, smoke, burp, diet, fart, dribble, wobble  or watch TV
• is an excellent source of navigational information especially when the GPS reciever is connected

Darling, ready for an early night with me:

fortieth post in a Wednesday series  detailing the etiology of   Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 40:    I blame the parents

They’ve been married for 50 years with no obvious big problem areas,  a bit of an outstanding example,  a skill-set that’s not generally available in my generation.  

thirty-nineth post in a Wednesday series  revealing boyfriend requirements that lead to  Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 39:    outstanding stunt double

My boyfriend has to pose with all sorts of things,   people and animals,   from national monuments through flower blossoms  to china tea-cups.    My current,   outstanding boyfriend stunt-double is more than many a  newcomer dare take-on:

thirty-eighth post in a Wednesday series  revealing the Brownian motions of  Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 38:  random shyness attacks

Random attacks of shyness can happen:

• during professional presentations.
• in the supermarket check-out queue.
• walking along a street.
• chatting over a pot of tea.
• during parties.

Random attacks of shyness can result in behaviours that are not considered socially desirable,   such as:

• stuttering.
• temporary memory loss (scattiness).
• falling over.
• drivelling.
• hiding behind the furniture.

people have been known to challenge the validity of this singleness reason, prior to their chair collapsing,  with variations of the following sentiment:

“HA! You?   SHY?   Rubbish!   Hahahahahaha”

thirty-seventh post in a Wednesday series detailing the food-centric truth’s behind Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 37: food-centric conversationally challenged

Often I find food a rather dull conversational topic.   It can be made interesting by  focussing on the  social,   political, environmental and cultural practices that  influence what is produced  and how it is eaten.   I sometimes find myself in the company  of people who converse about food quality, production techniques, and  restaurant reputation.   Let’s call these people ‘foodies’.  I am not sufficiently well equipped to deeply engage in a conversation with these foodies.    

I’m not particulalrly interested in the varied subtle differences in the quality and preparation of various food-types or chefs.   I have rarely if ever watched the food channel, or read the substantial dining section in the NYT.   I have watched Jamie Oliver but that’s got nothing to do with my cooking or eating its about the political social cultural dynamics of eating.  I am shamefully disinterested in learning about the differences between  wines or paying to experience a subtle taste-difference.   I’m happy with cheap plonk.     I’m happier still if someone who does study and care about wine  chooses  it on my behalf so I don’t have to make a decision.  

By contrast I do care about who I’m dining with and the way the place that I dine works to support our conversation.   I’ll happily go to the same restaurant several times in one week to be in the company of gorgeous people where the background noise is sufficiently low to enable conversation.   I’ll happily prance  into a greasy spoon for a good giggle with a couple of rowdy friends,   often this is preferable because it doesn’t dent my budget so badly.   Foodies, eating out,  are often expensive friends.

To help overcome my glaring social  disability I have worked on  the ‘Tea’ thing,   you’ve seen this happen through  the taking tiffin plog posts.      It’s proved a popular series.  I have been introduced to people as the freak wench   lady with a blog about tea.   I don’t get introduced as the crazy  spinster lady with a blog about why she’s single.    People even ask me about tea as-if I’m a specialist,   very flattering,   not really true, maybe that’s part of being a foodie conversationalist.   People strike-up conversations with me about things that I’ve written-about in   my tea series.    Yet.    A peak at my blog statistics clearly implies that snoopers are more interested in why  I’m single.    Few if any people actually strike-up a conversation with me on this topic.   My tea theme is a socially acceptible conversation topic the reasons why I’m single seem less conversationally acceptable.

thirty-sixth post in a Wednesday series detailing the frightening truth’s behind Wendy’s singleness.

Reason # 36: fear of failure

Friend:   Did you know [Name]* wanted to go-out-with** you?

Wendy: No.   Why didn’t he let me know?

Friend:   he thought he wasn’t good enough for you

Wendy:   a self fulfilling prophecy if ever I heard one

According to Psychology Today corporate Amercia, which employs most of the boys I meet,  focuses on rewarding actual success rather than the type of activities that lead to innovation and success, including effectively dealing with inevitable failures.   This puts the social forces in place that enhance fear of failure.  

*Names have been changed to protect the wussy.

** ‘go out with’ is a British euphamism for girlfriend-boyfriend specific type activities.

thirty-fifth post in a Wednesday series detailing couture reasions  ”why wendy’s single”.

Reason # 35: the wrong trousers

  Apparantly I need to secure some boyfriend trousers before I can achieve a boyfriend.  

The trousers appear to be of a similar kind of that worn by many local USA males;   the pants of the cargo khaki.   Now that is actually rather scarey.

 I have developed an allergy to these cargo pants of the khaki.   I may have to seek out some form of therapy so that I can,   with an absence of bile or attitude, pick-up and embrace the pants of the cargo khaki.

thirty-fourth post in a modular Wednesday series detailing “why wendy’s single”.

Reason # 34: active sarcasm module

thirty-third post in a Wednesday series placing “why wendy’s single”.

Reason # 33: miss placed attachments

Apparantly I put more effort into maintaining favoured articles of clothing than maintiaining boy-naughtiness activities.   For example,   I annually re-darn, similar but different, holes in these two jumpers:

thirty-second post in a Wednesday series of the inevitable “why wendy’s single”.

Reason # 32: the way things are

Roger McGough’s explanation  draws the context well.

thirty-first post in a standard setting Wednesday series of “why wendy’s single”.

Reason # 31: entrance fee

The entrance fee for the wendy house boudoir toilette facilities includes  at least one elegant pull-up.  

tall people are required to duck when passing into this room or to wear their bruised forehead with pride and aplomb.

thirtieth post in an happening Wednesday series of “why wendy’s single”.

Reason # 30: happen and happenstance

My computer at work was being a bit uncooperative:

Wendy: I need some help troubleshooting

Manager: I’m in meetings for the next 2 hours, I’m late now, I’ll come round at 5pm

A tall slim young fellow happened to  wander in  from the office next door

slim: I can help now,   I need to get out of my office,   I’ve been looking at my computer for too long

Manager:   OK (looks suprised)

Wendy: wonderful!  (jumps up and down a little bit,   brings a full set of yellow toothipegs into the cloud filtered  daylight)

The tall slim English man did all sorts of fancy things to my computer while I watched. I  had discovered a critical problem.   He mentioned all sorts of undecipherable jargon that sounded really impressive.   I guessed that he knew what he was doing.

Wendy (swoon)

Swooning  just happened.  I do not proactively follow-up on such happenstances arising  in a  work context.  

twenty-nineth post in celebrity-crush-confession  Wednesday series of “why wendy’s single”.

Reason # 29: Cave’d in

the love cupboard is crowded
I’m communing with the creations
of Mr. Cave and the Bad Seeds  
They’re there for  my soul.

twenty-eight post in  a post-patriarchal Wednesday series  of “why wendy’s single“.    

Reason # 28: below the feminiity bar

I do not conform to cultural norms of ‘girliness’,   feminine-ism.   It takes an exceptional male to recognise and appreciate the value of a female that does not display the culturally acceptable cues of girliness.   Such men are few and far between.   Sigh.

twenty-seventh post in  a computer analgesic Wednesday series  of “why wendy’s single“.    

Reason # 27: not parallel processing potential partners

Recent discussions with local boys and gals and last year’s indepth insomniacal analysis of an internet dating service suggests that the  predominant  local approach to securing  mutually enjoyable naughtiness involves parallel processing.   I don’t think that I am either sufficiently inspired or skilled to  use this approach.

twenty-sixth post in  a metaphorical  Wednesday series  of “why wendy’s single“.    

Reason # 26: like owning a dog

Talor Mali produced a wonderful poem that draws a recognizable analogy between being in love and owning a dog.     Oh yes,   dating me is like owning a dog.   Not everone is ready for the responisibility…

twenty-fifth post in  a  confusing  Wednesday series  of “why wendy’s single“.    

Reason # 25: discombobulating

My use of the English English language,   sentence construction,   grammar and idiosyncratic spelling can prove just too discombobulating for many local boys.   Should I start conversing in standard conversational American?

twenty-forth post in  a  self-entertainingly Wednesday series  of “why wendy’s single“.    

Reason # 24: self entertaining system

It seems that I’m fairly adept at entertaining myself.   This includes the fabulous skills of talking to myself and blogging  for you,   oh yes,   it’s all about you,   really it is,   absolutely.   Some boys apparently prefer their partners to demonstrate a ‘need’ for them otherwise they feel redundant…     …Hmmmmm…… …should I develop a disability?  

twenty-third  post in  a  size-ist  Wednesday series  of “why wendy’s single“.    

Reason # 23: penchant for petite

Excel collected evidence on my previous relationships that

• lasted longer than 1yr
• lasted less than 1 yr, near misses.
• didn’t get beyond preliminary dating.  

Based on a chart infested detailed examination of this data Excel has informed me that my relationship success  (lasting for more than 1 year)  predictors include  the boy being under

• 5’10″  
• 135lbs
• 32″ inside leg
• 32″ trouser waist

According to Excel,    size does matter.   In the US,   boys of these proportions that are also over the legal age  for consenting naughtiness  are not common.      Looks like I’ll have to work on aligning my attitudes with the  ’big is beautiful’ philosophy or volunteer to take some social deviant treatment lest I  become susceptible to commiting a social  crime akin to another local gal, LeTourneau.        

twenty-second  post in  a  bi-nominally distributed  Wednesday series  of “why wendy’s single“.    

Reason # 22: its classic

A classic single is the alternative to a combo  in yet another large fast food chain  with the same name as myself.

twenty-first  post in  a  pg-13-rated Wednesday series  of “why wendy’s single“.    

Reason # 21: borrowing clothes

Due to an unfortunate accident aged 17 (1981),   with  a track (into you like a train) on the second  Psychedelic Furs album,  I like to wear other people’s clothes.   This raises a number of challenges which may, or may not, be publishable in subsequent posts.   Luckily,   quite a few English chaps* have found it rather amusing when they discover that I literally want to get into their trousers etc. and have been indulgent of my little proclivity.   Since arriving in the US there have been a few minor  outbreaks of Wendy in  street camoflauge,  but nothing too PG.

* male gender specific usage

twentieth  post in  a  biologically determined  Wednesday series  of “why wendy’s single“.    

Reason # 20:  it’s in the jeans

no unattached elder brothers in the excellent gene pool of my  fabulously tasteful witty  young friends,   at least none that my not insubstantial nose  has whiffed….      

n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nineteenth post in  a (not) touchy-feely  Wednesday series  of “why wendy’s single“.    

Reason # 19:  empathy  blockage

a strong mutual empathy is a highly desirable part of coupling.   Empathy can happen all over the show,   its not constrained to mutual naughtiness,   but it is a pre-requisite.    I suspect I’ve got a bit of an empathy-blockage when it comes to the local males.   Perhaps  I should consult with a  plumber?